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if Its just a matter of when, then why should people care If its now?

TheChimeraMonster

You're special, sweet child
#1
Everyone is going to die anyway, it doesn't have any preorder, reason, plot or anything, you can be living for two days and die, or you can live for 80 years and see everyone else die. So why should you care? Why should I care? Its meaningless, tiring, hopeless and, in the end we will just end up gone anyway.
I know that, and yet, here I am, hopelessly waiting for a miraculous courage, to be able to do it, as if there would be an angel who would come from the heavens and just pluck me away from this existence. As if the devil would ever care enough about one more soul, to come and take mine.

Thing is I alone, can't do this. I am too weak, I am too coward. So all I can do, is maintain the maximum of possible ways out ready. And wait, alone, wait and wait and wait, for an accident, an illness, an heart attack, or just wait for me to die from depression. I always ask myself, why should I be alive today? and 90% of the time, it just doesn't have any reason whatsoever, not a single dream, not a single person, nothing. I am so fucking useless that not even I can handle myself anymore.

And then, in the morning, i go and look at myself in the mirror. Everything I see is a fucking ugly face, of a damned person. A person I hate so much, but so much, that even the idea of them being alive is enough for me to want to kill them. So I go, I prepare myself all over again, take what i need, lock the bedroom im in, so no one can rush directly to try to save me, aaaaaaand.... I sit there, with an empty mind, looking at my reflection at the sharp edge. I cant think, I cant move, I can't.

its almost funny isnt it? being so desperate to go, and not being able to do it.

then I wake up, once again, without being able to do anything. My mind so up in the clouds, that even my body doesn't seem to be my body anymore. With every connection with reality being that thin, almost if I could blink out of consciousness, forever. I try to make people think that I am okay, so they cant discern my plan, I try to be at least the minimum of social, so my familly won't think I have any problems. I fake smiles, I fake interest, I fake my life one more day. So I can go and sit down on bed, seeing my reflection once again, at the edge. But there Isn't anything, its just an empty husk.

... Why I am writing this? After all, why should you care? at the end, we are just one more soul.
 
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#6
I really empathise with your post....up until recently I was leading a happy life then out of the blue I get a serious eye complaint that has left me with poor vision and constant discomfort and pain.it's ruined my life! ., ...so all I can think of now is the only way to escape my misery is to leave this earth...but its hard because the welcome release is not guaranteed....but I can't life everyday like this...! as I appreciate you can't either !
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#7
Everyone is going to die anyway, it doesn't have any preorder, reason, plot or anything, you can be living for two days and die, or you can live for 80 years and see everyone else die. So why should you care? Why should I care?
What you typed remind me of this Latin phrase Memento mori (Remember, you will die), and this trendy one YOLO (You Only Live Once). They are both meant to tell people about how short their lives are and that they are supposed to make their most of their days on Earth, seize the day or carpe diem.

I guess I care about others' death because of my empathy. I have my own experience in the losses of the people I care, so I can understand how others feel when they lose members of their family. Though, I don't express all that in my face and words but I can listen.

I know that, and yet, here I am, hopelessly waiting for a miraculous courage, to be able to do it, as if there would be an angel who would come from the heavens and just pluck me away from this existence. As if the devil would ever care enough about one more soul, to come and take mine.
I am doing the same but I guess I'm just bored of waiting so I go for random stuffs at the mean time, like a hobby of sort.

Thing is I alone, can't do this. I am too weak, I am too coward. So all I can do, is maintain the maximum of possible ways out ready. And wait, alone, wait and wait and wait, for an accident, an illness, an heart attack, or just wait for me to die from depression. I always ask myself, why should I be alive today? and 90% of the time, it just doesn't have any reason whatsoever, not a single dream, not a single person, nothing. I am so fucking useless that not even I can handle myself anymore.
As far as I know, no one really dies from depression. This is a disease which wants us to do the dirty work for it.
I guess you are alive for that 10% of the time.

My recommendation is staying away from mirrors when you are in bad mood.
Being fake is how we survive in the society until the discovery of a relief method that is not death, obsession nor addiction. That is a beauty, a mystery and a riddle of life.

Well, I mean "meow".
 

TheChimeraMonster

You're special, sweet child
#8
I am doing the same but I guess I'm just bored of waiting so I go for random stuffs at the mean time, like a hobby of sort.


As far as I know, no one really dies from depression. This is a disease which wants us to do the dirty work for it.
I guess you are alive for that 10% of the time.

My recommendation is staying away from mirrors when you are in bad mood.
Being fake is how we survive in the society until the discovery of a relief method that is not death, obsession nor addiction. That is a beauty, a mystery and a riddle of life.

Well, I mean "meow".
meow meow :c

I mean... just don't know, I wish I was dead every single time i wake up, I wish I had the courage to change something or just end it already.

And i feel numb. And this is the worst part. I cant cry anymore.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#9
meow meow :c

I mean... just don't know, I wish I was dead every single time i wake up, I wish I had the courage to change something or just end it already.

And i feel numb. And this is the worst part. I cant cry anymore.
I can't cry, as well. It has been 2 years or something since the last time I cry. Though, I think it's because of a different reason.
Anyways, there are many things you can do to change your life without ending it. If you need a suggestion, I'm planning to make rice milk tomorrow, simply because I want to drink it.
 

TheChimeraMonster

You're special, sweet child
#10
I really empathise with your post....up until recently I was leading a happy life then out of the blue I get a serious eye complaint that has left me with poor vision and constant discomfort and pain.it's ruined my life! ., ...so all I can think of now is the only way to escape my misery is to leave this earth...but its hard because the welcome release is not guaranteed....but I can't life everyday like this...! as I appreciate you can't either !
I never had a good vision, so i can understand, Im so sorry for your pain and your vision loss.
 

TheChimeraMonster

You're special, sweet child
#11
I can't cry, as well. It has been 2 years or something since the last time I cry. Though, I think it's because of a different reason.
Anyways, there are many things you can do to change your life without ending it. If you need a suggestion, I'm planning to make rice milk tomorrow, simply because I want to drink it.
I dont know, ending it would be easier, and i dont know if doing these kind of things would change anything.
what is rice milk? not my first language so, i dont know a reference.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#12
I dont know, ending it would be easier, and i dont know if doing these kind of things would change anything.
what is rice milk? not my first language so, i dont know a reference.
It has never been easy but you can always start with a small step, like cleaning a room or making a meal from online tutorials. It's up to what you are comfortable with to do that small step. For now, a small change is better than nothing.

Rice milk is just an alternative to typical cow milk but made of rice, water and spice. It can be found in the vegan section of your local supermarkets or stores. It's just that I preferred to make one but I forgot. Damn.
 

TheChimeraMonster

You're special, sweet child
#13
It has never been easy but you can always start with a small step, like cleaning a room or making a meal from online tutorials. It's up to what you are comfortable with to do that small step. For now, a small change is better than nothing.

Rice milk is just an alternative to typical cow milk but made of rice, water and spice. It can be found in the vegan section of your local supermarkets or stores. It's just that I preferred to make one but I forgot. Damn.

for a change... well, idk, maybe draw something? nah, its going to look ugly, and i will feel worse. Ehh... I could... play some music? i think... idk if it would make me feel better tho.
Im afraid i will feel like a failure when trying to do anything at all.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#14
for a change... well, idk, maybe draw something? nah, its going to look ugly, and i will feel worse. Ehh... I could... play some music? i think... idk if it would make me feel better tho.
Im afraid i will feel like a failure when trying to do anything at all.
As the wise and aggressive Shia LaBeouf said: "Just do it!", well, I mean you might also feel like a failure for not doing anything, right? Well, I have that feeling.
 

Anonymous ID

Well-Known Member
#15
I found myself with the courage to go through with it but I was revived from death. I saw first hand the pain it caused the people I cared about, the hurt. I will never forget that. Most of the time that is enough to stop me these days. I don't wish you to go through the same thing and put your loved ones through that. Yes I still wanna kill myself everday and yes sometimes I get selfish and don't care about anyone. But having these memories is enough to pull out before it goes to far. I think one day I will follow through with it but the longer you don't the better. The less it will hurt others
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#16
I found myself with the courage to go through with it but I was revived from death. I saw first hand the pain it caused the people I cared about, the hurt. I will never forget that. Most of the time that is enough to stop me these days. I don't wish you to go through the same thing and put your loved ones through that. Yes I still wanna kill myself everday and yes sometimes I get selfish and don't care about anyone. But having these memories is enough to pull out before it goes to far. I think one day I will follow through with it but the longer you don't the better. The less it will hurt others
Anything that has you saying, not today, perhaps another time but I will see tomorrow and go from there is a positive, one day a time.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#19
I found myself with the courage to go through with it but I was revived from death. I saw first hand the pain it caused the people I cared about, the hurt. I will never forget that. Most of the time that is enough to stop me these days. I don't wish you to go through the same thing and put your loved ones through that. Yes I still wanna kill myself everday and yes sometimes I get selfish and don't care about anyone. But having these memories is enough to pull out before it goes to far. I think one day I will follow through with it but the longer you don't the better. The less it will hurt others
Wow someone loves you. They want and value you. That is the best motivation to live. I had it for 38 years. Then when I had a breakdown from trauma there was no one. No one came. No one answered my calls. I literally was told that they have no sympathy for me so I might as well die. 😢. I wish I had that live again.
 

Winslow

My Toughest Problem Has Been Solved.
SF Supporter
#20
Everyone is going to die anyway, it doesn't have any preorder, reason, plot or anything, you can be living for two days and die, or you can live for 80 years and see everyone else die. So why should you care? Why should I care? Its meaningless, tiring, hopeless and, in the end we will just end up gone anyway.
I know that, and yet, here I am, hopelessly waiting for a miraculous courage, to be able to do it, as if there would be an angel who would come from the heavens and just pluck me away from this existence. As if the devil would ever care enough about one more soul, to come and take mine.

Thing is I alone, can't do this. I am too weak, I am too coward. So all I can do, is maintain the maximum of possible ways out ready. And wait, alone, wait and wait and wait, for an accident, an illness, an heart attack, or just wait for me to die from depression. I always ask myself, why should I be alive today? and 90% of the time, it just doesn't have any reason whatsoever, not a single dream, not a single person, nothing. I am so fucking useless that not even I can handle myself anymore.

And then, in the morning, i go and look at myself in the mirror. Everything I see is a fucking ugly face, of a damned person. A person I hate so much, but so much, that even the idea of them being alive is enough for me to want to kill them. So I go, I prepare myself all over again, take what i need, lock the bedroom im in, so no one can rush directly to try to save me, aaaaaaand.... I sit there, with an empty mind, looking at my reflection at the sharp edge. I cant think, I cant move, I can't.

its almost funny isnt it? being so desperate to go, and not being able to do it.

then I wake up, once again, without being able to do anything. My mind so up in the clouds, that even my body doesn't seem to be my body anymore. With every connection with reality being that thin, almost if I could blink out of consciousness, forever. I try to make people think that I am okay, so they cant discern my plan, I try to be at least the minimum of social, so my familly won't think I have any problems. I fake smiles, I fake interest, I fake my life one more day. So I can go and sit down on bed, seeing my reflection once again, at the edge. But there Isn't anything, its just an empty husk.

... Why I am writing this? After all, why should you care? at the end, we are just one more soul.
My thoughts and emotions are almost the same as yours but not quite. Because I don't hate myself to the terrible degree that you feel. Even though I'm an Outcast myself, I've grown to accept it. That's why I use "Siamese Twin" in my signature because I collect books on Real-life freaks such as the Siamese Twins whose bodies were conjoined into a single body. Back in the day, there used to be freaks with deformities such as the Elephant Man who endured their deformities and the persecution they suffered.

Even when people hurt us, we have to forgive them. The practice of Buddhist meditation has taught me to tolerate. As to why I sometimes feel suicidal, it's mostly for health reasons because I'm in my 60s along which comes the expected declining health due to the aging process. My main fear is that of dimentia where I would lose my mental faculties, in essence becoming a mental vegetable. Hopefully I will have died before then.

Let me ask you--- and also the others in this thread. Have you wondered about the youngsters and even the babies who have died? The Christians believe that newborn babies who die at birth go straight to Heaven, to Paradise. That is, they went to Heaven without having suffered at all. But the rest of us have to live and struggle for a whole lifetime. What is the fairness in that?? Can anyone explain that?
 

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