I realize, it takes so many years of endless pain to finally make me break down completely. That makes me drown into a state of complete hopelessness and despair. Now, if I am given a chance to trade my entire life for a moment or two of true happiness, I will do it. I surely will and I know that for sure because death don't matter much to me anymore and I am not afraid of risking my life at this point. Cause even if I really have to end my life, I can say to myself that I have finally understood what true happiness is, even if its just for a brief moment, its still worthy. At least I can smile for real, knowing that at least one moment of my life is not of despair and heartache. I can't help but feeling so jealous of each and every happy person in this world because I am not them and I never will be, and there is no way I can 'just accept it or let it be'. How can I go on living everyday seeing happy people around me while I am screaming silently inside? Not to mention the fact that I got to fake a smile all the time knowing that its a sin to stand out because I won't fit in. Right now, I can't be sure how long more do I want to live but since I am hell bent that it won't be long so I will live only for the moment. There is no tomorrow for me now, I don't care if my lifestyle now will kill me in a short time because it will be the same anyway. If I was born to suffer and the only escape I have from this is death, then eventually it will have to end the same way whether or not I decide to do it with my own hands. Life wants me dead and death is inviting me. And this only mean I have no choice. Either I continue suffering or die. To put it bluntly, I 'have to' kill myself. Even if I don't want to, I must be made to commit suicide anyway. Yeah...what a waste. If there is a God, I can only wonder why does he/she even create some life thats only meant to be destroyed? Maybe I don't know shit cause I must be a piece of shit myself. But guess I don't care. If there is a God, he/she could've find me. If its so easy to believe in God, I would. If its true God made all of us, then its pathetic why must some people be made to suffer and some grow up in a loving environment all their lives, so happy they have no way of knowing what sadness really is! God is fair, holy, great, wise etc etc? Bullshit!!!! This is way too logical!!!!!!!!!!!! An imbecile can comprehend this for shit's sake! Yeah.....what do I say? I wasn't and still aren't one of the lucky ones, so I guess its easy for lucky people to talk about confiding in the Lord and shit like that. I am tired of having to fake around so much. If I choose not to fake around, then I can only choose to feel more unbelonging and let people show me so. And its most depressing for me to realize just how much I could have done if only I understood what love is, if only I know what difficulties I am to face today. Too late. Nothing I can do. Fuck you!!!!!!! Fuck you mum for treating me like shit!!!! Fuck you dad for being such an asshole!!!!!! Fuck you bro for making me feel like a loser when you know you should be helping me jerk!!!!!!!!!! And also, a fuck you to all my so called friends who fooled me and made me believe you are my fucking friend and that we were meant to be friends forever!! In the end....I still am so fucking sure I shouldn't have been born in the very first place. Why do you even bring me into this world if you want me to end up like that?? You could have changed your mind by having fate to get me killed long before dickhead!!!! Fuck you......and you know what I mean and you damn sure know I am talking about you and so if you ever read this, remember to go fuck yourself some more cause you deserve nothing but shit!!!!!! Thats one thing I know you sure deserve of all the things you don't!!!!