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If my business dies then I must die

#1
I to have financial problems which is the vehicle to my suicide attempt and the reasons why I keep thinking of trying again. I sit here at my desk on January 29th wondering how I going to raise nearly £30,000 in one day so I can pay my staff who have worked hard all month and pay bills to keep my business alive. Unfortunately my business has been hit by brexit but it is improving however the loans I have had to take out to keep us going and keep my staff in jobs are crippling me and I’m on the brink now. I go home to my wife and 2 young children and get angry and some fight comes in me to stay alive but I feel that if my business dies then I have to die with it.
 

Gonz

Knock Knock Knockin’ on 40’s Door
#2
I go home to my wife and 2 young children and get angry and some fight comes in me to stay alive
You need to hang on to this. They need you. And I don’t mean you as a provider, because too often we see that as the only way we have value. I mean just being there as a husband and father. If your business dies, and you did say things are improving, you and your family can survive that, I promise you. But if you were to die with it, you’d be doing them severe emotional damage that they’d have to carry around for the rest of their lives.

Focus on them. Get your self-worth from how well you treat them, and the love they show you, rather than the success of your business. Financial struggle is no joke, I know, but it is nothing next to the loss of a husband and father, much less a loss by suicide. And ultimately, your loyalty needs to lie with your family and not your business.
 

Walker

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SF Social Media
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SF Supporter
#3
If you die then your staff still don't get paid, right? What good does your death do them then? They all immediately lose their jobs without notice and they are still as broke as they were last week, right?
 
#4
You need to hang on to this. They need you. And I don’t mean you as a provider, because too often we see that as the only way we have value. I mean just being there as a husband and father. If your business dies, and you did say things are improving, you and your family can survive that, I promise you. But if you were to die with it, you’d be doing them severe emotional damage that they’d have to carry around for the rest of their lives.

Focus on them. Get your self-worth from how well you treat them, and the love they show you, rather than the success of your business. Financial struggle is no joke, I know, but it is nothing next to the loss of a husband and father, much less a loss by suicide. And ultimately, your loyalty needs to lie with your family and not your business.
Thank you for your comment and I know your right deep down but it hurts. It hurts to not be able to provide and it hurts watching my family when I’m so so unhappy because of my financial situation. I feel if I die, they will eventually move on and my wife will meet someone else who will then replace me. This will break my heart if there is an afterlife and I’m somewhere watching this but I cannot live like this much longer.
 
#5
If you die then your staff still don't get paid, right? What good does your death do them then? They all immediately lose their jobs without notice and they are still as broke as they were last week, right?
Thank you for your comment and yeah in that light your right about staff not getting paid. This is why a good captain should go down with his ship.
 

Gonz

Knock Knock Knockin’ on 40’s Door
#6
This is why a good captain should go down with his ship.
Okay, so what would you think of a captain who said to his crew “Fuck it, you guys figure it out!” and jumped ship the moment they entered treacherous waters. Because that’s what you’re talking about doing to your family.

I know the thought of not being able to provide hurts, but you are so much more than that to them.
 

Walker

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#7
I get what point of view youre thinking of this from and I think what you are getting here is "shame".
If this was *you* who was working somewhere and you had this badass boss (I'm assuming here because what kind of boss would rather fricking DIE than not pay his employees, right?) and the company is circling the drain and you know that's happening but you're hanging on because you believe in him. Yeah? So you hang in there with him and you work your ass off to revive this sinking ship and you bail water out of the boat all this time and then one day you wake up and ---- he's dead. How do you feel then? I'm serious. Do you feel bad? Sure you do. But you also feel like he fucked you because he left you behind without even letting you guys know what was up. I realize that you want these people to succeed within the business and you want to pay them. That is perfectly reasonable and the expectation may not get met and that's total shit. But to say to them - look, this is what it is - I'm sorry, if you want to bail off here then I get it. If you can hang in there with me and keep swimming then that would be great too. See if a few of those people are willing to stick it out with you. What then? You've got some people who are really playing hard with you there and potentially you can really reward them in the future when or if things get back together.
 
#8
Okay, so what would you think of a captain who said to his crew “Fuck it, you guys figure it out!” and jumped ship the moment they entered treacherous waters. Because that’s what you’re talking about doing to your family.

I know the thought of not being able to provide hurts, but you are so much more than that to them.
Okay, so what would you think of a captain who said to his crew “Fuck it, you guys figure it out!” and jumped ship the moment they entered treacherous waters. Because that’s what you’re talking about doing to your family.

I know the thought of not being able to provide hurts, but you are so much more than that to them.
Okay, so what would you think of a captain who said to his crew “Fuck it, you guys figure it out!” and jumped ship the moment they entered treacherous waters. Because that’s what you’re talking about doing to your family.

I know the thought of not being able to provide hurts, but you are so much more than that to them.
Its so selfish I know that but the pain is so so bad and I can't take it much longer. I'm so ashamed that when I tried it last time it failed as I planned my death and it still didn't work. I was so happy to be alive some days and then other days I was back to square one. I back in that horrible hole now and its worse than ever. These positive messages are great but I know my own mind and its nothing I have not come up with myself so far. I do not deserve to stay alive and I cannot live with the shame of a failed business and a lifetime of debt I racked up trying to save my business. The only thing that I feel can save me it more time and better terms from my debtors but thats not possible in the current financial world we live in.
 
#9
I get what point of view youre thinking of this from and I think what you are getting here is "shame".
If this was *you* who was working somewhere and you had this badass boss (I'm assuming here because what kind of boss would rather fricking DIE than not pay his employees, right?) and the company is circling the drain and you know that's happening but you're hanging on because you believe in him. Yeah? So you hang in there with him and you work your ass off to revive this sinking ship and you bail water out of the boat all this time and then one day you wake up and ---- he's dead. How do you feel then? I'm serious. Do you feel bad? Sure you do. But you also feel like he fucked you because he left you behind without even letting you guys know what was up. I realize that you want these people to succeed within the business and you want to pay them. That is perfectly reasonable and the expectation may not get met and that's total shit. But to say to them - look, this is what it is - I'm sorry, if you want to bail off here then I get it. If you can hang in there with me and keep swimming then that would be great too. See if a few of those people are willing to stick it out with you. What then? You've got some people who are really playing hard with you there and potentially you can really reward them in the future when or if things get back together.
I get you totally and I have employees that back me. I tried to kill myself in March last year in similar circumstances and they helped me through it but we are just hanging on all the time and I have tried to get better funding but I just can't. I have spent 11 years working my ass off my business have grown and was getting stronger and stronger but after bad times it has been destroyed. For almost a year it have been re-growing and thats what hurts because its always 2 steps forward and 1 1/2 back. I need more time but its just not possible. I need a magic wand or more reasonable rates of finance. The finance I have taken out to save my business is at such a high rate because these are the only lenders who are out there willing to take a risk. I'm so so unhappy and if I lose this business it will screw the rest of mine and my families life up! If I die, my debts die and my wife will also receive life insurance money (as out policy pays on suicide). My screw ups can be fixed but only with me not here which breaks my heart because I don't want to lose my wife, 2 little boys and my business.
 

Gonz

Knock Knock Knockin’ on 40’s Door
#10
Ok, I really don’t mean to be harsh, but fuck money. Do you really think that’s all you are to them? And is money really more important to you than they are? Really? How do you think they’ll feel when they find out that they meant so little to you that something as small as financial struggle could cause you to abandon them?

I get that you’re in pain. I do. But what you want to do is inflict far worse pain on your wife and your little boys because you can’t handle a little shame. And make no mistake, even if they were better off financially, this would fuck them up for the rest of their lives in ways no amount of money could make up for.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#11
I get you totally and I have employees that back me. I tried to kill myself in March last year in similar circumstances and they helped me through it but we are just hanging on all the time and I have tried to get better funding but I just can't. I have spent 11 years working my ass off my business have grown and was getting stronger and stronger but after bad times it has been destroyed. For almost a year it have been re-growing and thats what hurts because its always 2 steps forward and 1 1/2 back. I need more time but its just not possible. I need a magic wand or more reasonable rates of finance. The finance I have taken out to save my business is at such a high rate because these are the only lenders who are out there willing to take a risk. I'm so so unhappy and if I lose this business it will screw the rest of mine and my families life up! If I die, my debts die and my wife will also receive life insurance money (as out policy pays on suicide). My screw ups can be fixed but only with me not here which breaks my heart because I don't want to lose my wife, 2 little boys and my business.
Now that it's a case of life or death for you, surely there must be some way of renegotiating your loans? I'm not in the least business minded so this may not be helpful but it must make sense even for lenders to have your business succeed. Can you not get together with them or the bank and draw up a new contract or business plan? I know bankruptcy is the last thing anyone wants to do but I think if I was your wife, then it would be a no brainer - she faces a lifetime without you and your boys without their father. No-one ever gets over the suicide of a loved one. Please for their sake, just don't even consider it. At the end of the day it is just money, you will have tried your absolute best, there is no shame in that.
 
#12
Now that it's a case of life or death for you, surely there must be some way of renegotiating your loans? I'm not in the least business minded so this may not be helpful but it must make sense even for lenders to have your business succeed. Can you not get together with them or the bank and draw up a new contract or business plan? I know bankruptcy is the last thing anyone wants to do but I think if I was your wife, then it would be a no brainer - she faces a lifetime without you and your boys without their father. No-one ever gets over the suicide of a loved one. Please for their sake, just don't even consider it. At the end of the day it is just money, you will have tried your absolute best, there is no shame in that.
Thank you for your comments and when its put like that and from what Gonz says it does seem stupid ending it all over money but its so much deeper than that. I have worked hard for my family to have a home and I work long hours to give my family what is only a basic level of living. I just feel like a failure and this failure will be on my shoulders for life and that is why I can't carry on. I know my family will be hurt and devastated but losing everything financially will be like living in hell for us but my death can solve that.
Ok, I really don’t mean to be harsh, but fuck money. Do you really think that’s all you are to them? And is money really more important to you than they are? Really? How do you think they’ll feel when they find out that they meant so little to you that something as small as financial struggle could cause you to abandon them?

I get that you’re in pain. I do. But what you want to do is inflict far worse pain on your wife and your little boys because you can’t handle a little shame. And make no mistake, even if they were better off financially, this would fuck them up for the rest of their lives in ways no amount of money could make up for.
I would be abandoning them but they would be far better off long term without me. I feel cursed and this curse needs to end before I bring everyone else down with me. I have tried for 11 years and for 8 of them I have succeeded but in just a matter of twelve months 8 years of really hard work was flushed down the toilet. I'm struggling day to day and have been for the past couple of years now. Now things have got worse but I'm still giving it my all I just think its time to quit but I can't because all the loans due will still need re-paying but the only thing I have at the moment is a business struggling to hold its own to re-pay them with.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#13
Check this out:
This is an awful scenario but I'm gonna mind fuck you with it anyway because you need some truth here. I think finances are a real shit reason to kill yourself.
Look.
You wake up one day and you find that your wife has killed herself and left YOU with the kids. You start going through all her shit and you realize along the way that the reason is a whopping load of gambling debt. You had an idea that she was a bit of a gambler online but thought it was just a way she was blowing off steam, passing time. But no, she was apparently in over her head and didn't want you to find out so she killed herself rather than tell you about it. She wanted you to get the insurance money rather than admit what happened to her, suck it up and do whatever needed to be done with you to get to a place you guys would be okay again.
How does that sit with you? Feel absolutely like shit? If it doesn't then you're just *reading* and not *feeling*. You aren't really imagining how that feels to wake up and get that picture. The loss she feels. The way the kids are asking where she is every single day for months and months on end. She way every Christmas isn't the same and you have to tell those kids why. You aren't picturing, then, how fuckin angry you are that she made a conscious choice not to figure it out with you instead of taking that option away for MONEY. Money was more important to her than YOU were.
Now turn it around. Talk to your wife, man. Tell her what is going on here. Tank the business. Fuck that business if you need to. File paperwork on it. Let the employees go their own way. Get another job. Do whatever you need to do but don't let your wife and kids go on without you. They need you whether you realize it or not right now. I get you're feeling helpless and ashamed and scared and pissed at yourself for letting it get to where it is. They don't want fricking money though - they want YOU.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#14
@UK34Male I don't think it's stupid at all, I know what you're saying. I'm just focused on your wife and your sons. As I'm writing Walker has said what I'm thinking. Your death may solve a financial problem but OMG, you have no idea what hell is about to happen to them if you go through with it. The grief, the confusion, the sadness, her having to deal with her own and the two boys pain. Then the ANGER she is going to feel. How are they going to feel about their mum going through that and what are they going to learn about you? How are they going to deal with knowing that you willingly brought this on them? It's unbearable to think about and I'm just a stranger on the internet. For everyone's sake, please get some advice, talk to whoever you can and get that business brain into gear. If you are 34, like your username, you have a lifetime ahead, your boys have a lifetime ahead with you in it. Hell, even the most successful people lose businesses and pick themselves up again. If your business fails, you will feel all those things you described but you will still have the most important things in life, your health and your family. (And I know how that sounds.) Just imagine, if you go through with it, your two sons in 20 years time, what would they say to you now? They need you, they are never going to stop needing you and they are certainly not going to give a stuff for insurance money.
 

Gonz

Knock Knock Knockin’ on 40’s Door
#15
I know my family will be hurt and devastated but losing everything financially will be like living in hell for us but my death can solve that.
Dude, I’m really trying not to be too hard on you because you’re obviously in a lot of pain over this, but your priorities are way the fuck out of order. You have no idea what hell is, but you’re willing to inflict it on your wife and your two innocent little boys rather than deal with a little hardship yourself.

All this talk about how they’ll be better off is bullshit. Sorry, not gonna sugar coat. It’s shit, and I think you know it’s shit. You’re lying to yourself to make yourself feel better about doing what you want. You owe your wife and kids more than that.

You wanna talk about living in hell? Try coming home looking forward to holding your partner after a long day, and finding their dead body instead. Try waking up and rolling over in the middle of the night, trying to put an arm around them, and having to remember that they’re dead all over again. Try walking through the world, looking at all the happy couples, and knowing that your partner is a box full of ashes on your dresser. That’s what you want for your wife, and no, we’re not going to tell you that any of your excuses for wanting it are good enough.
 

Jayjay289

Jay Jay from the UK
Staff Alumni
#16
I to have financial problems which is the vehicle to my suicide attempt and the reasons why I keep thinking of trying again. I sit here at my desk on January 29th wondering how I going to raise nearly £30,000 in one day so I can pay my staff who have worked hard all month and pay bills to keep my business alive. Unfortunately my business has been hit by brexit but it is improving however the loans I have had to take out to keep us going and keep my staff in jobs are crippling me and I’m on the brink now. I go home to my wife and 2 young children and get angry and some fight comes in me to stay alive but I feel that if my business dies then I have to die with it.
Mate come on show some balls, your employee's need you, their familys need you because you have a responsability to them to make sure that they are paid etc, so if your business folds thats it you are just gonna throw the towel in on your life??? fuck me sideways I often feel like that I often worry about that but yet I am still here standing strong or as strong as i can be and fighting daily! okay your in debt but then so is everyone else yet they dont go on about ending their life, they just do what they can and seek help from the people that can help them!! I am sorry that this sounds harsh mate but its tough love bro!!! you gotta face this its your responsability not just run away and hide... if you can get through this, think of the pride and strength you will gain soldier!!! :)
 
#17
Check this out:
This is an awful scenario but I'm gonna mind fuck you with it anyway because you need some truth here. I think finances are a real shit reason to kill yourself.
Look.
You wake up one day and you find that your wife has killed herself and left YOU with the kids. You start going through all her shit and you realize along the way that the reason is a whopping load of gambling debt. You had an idea that she was a bit of a gambler online but thought it was just a way she was blowing off steam, passing time. But no, she was apparently in over her head and didn't want you to find out so she killed herself rather than tell you about it. She wanted you to get the insurance money rather than admit what happened to her, suck it up and do whatever needed to be done with you to get to a place you guys would be okay again.
How does that sit with you? Feel absolutely like shit? If it doesn't then you're just *reading* and not *feeling*. You aren't really imagining how that feels to wake up and get that picture. The loss she feels. The way the kids are asking where she is every single day for months and months on end. She way every Christmas isn't the same and you have to tell those kids why. You aren't picturing, then, how fuckin angry you are that she made a conscious choice not to figure it out with you instead of taking that option away for MONEY. Money was more important to her than YOU were.
Now turn it around. Talk to your wife, man. Tell her what is going on here. Tank the business. Fuck that business if you need to. File paperwork on it. Let the employees go their own way. Get another job. Do whatever you need to do but don't let your wife and kids go on without you. They need you whether you realize it or not right now. I get you're feeling helpless and ashamed and scared and pissed at yourself for letting it get to where it is. They don't want fricking money though - they want YOU.
Thank you for your honesty and I did have a tear in my eye when reading this as if the roles were reversed I don't know what I would do. I'm actually feeling a lot better than I did when I joined the site last night and I feel better since the above posts. In reality money is not as important as life but I do believe we need money to be happy. I want to be happy and sometimes I try just to hard to be happy and when I'm over trying the negative things in life just take over. My business has had a good day and although I'm unable to pay a couple of bills on time my employees will be paid this month now.

Thank you again for speaking straight to me.
 
#18
Mate come on show some balls, your employee's need you, their familys need you because you have a responsability to them to make sure that they are paid etc, so if your business folds thats it you are just gonna throw the towel in on your life??? fuck me sideways I often feel like that I often worry about that but yet I am still here standing strong or as strong as i can be and fighting daily! okay your in debt but then so is everyone else yet they dont go on about ending their life, they just do what they can and seek help from the people that can help them!! I am sorry that this sounds harsh mate but its tough love bro!!! you gotta face this its your responsability not just run away and hide... if you can get through this, think of the pride and strength you will gain soldier!!! :)
Thank you Jay Jay you are 100% right and I have honestly had the same conversations with myself about not throwing the towel in so many times over the past 2 years while my business has been on the rocks. If I'm honest I'm just sick and tired of fighting, sick and tired of looking over my shoulder. My business has fallen on bad times and we are slowly recovering but when I get set backs I just think what is the point? I go home and see my family and see what the point is but this hamster wheel I'm on at the moment is getting me down but I know I need to keep spinning as it will make me and my business stronger! Life is a bitch and I have always known that but when I work all the hours and don't see my family and don't see the results and I'm still struggling the make a living it really really hurts.
 

Jayjay289

Jay Jay from the UK
Staff Alumni
#19
Thank you Jay Jay you are 100% right and I have honestly had the same conversations with myself about not throwing the towel in so many times over the past 2 years while my business has been on the rocks. If I'm honest I'm just sick and tired of fighting, sick and tired of looking over my shoulder. My business has fallen on bad times and we are slowly recovering but when I get set backs I just think what is the point? I go home and see my family and see what the point is but this hamster wheel I'm on at the moment is getting me down but I know I need to keep spinning as it will make me and my business stronger! Life is a bitch and I have always known that but when I work all the hours and don't see my family and don't see the results and I'm still struggling the make a living it really really hurts.
You wil fnd a way through this!! you have said you have been in this situation so many times in the last 2 years and you have always come through, and you will do it again my friend!! have faith in your self and have faith knowing that tour family are behind you too....
 
#20
@UK34Male I don't think it's stupid at all, I know what you're saying. I'm just focused on your wife and your sons. As I'm writing Walker has said what I'm thinking. Your death may solve a financial problem but OMG, you have no idea what hell is about to happen to them if you go through with it. The grief, the confusion, the sadness, her having to deal with her own and the two boys pain. Then the ANGER she is going to feel. How are they going to feel about their mum going through that and what are they going to learn about you? How are they going to deal with knowing that you willingly brought this on them? It's unbearable to think about and I'm just a stranger on the internet. For everyone's sake, please get some advice, talk to whoever you can and get that business brain into gear. If you are 34, like your username, you have a lifetime ahead, your boys have a lifetime ahead with you in it. Hell, even the most successful people lose businesses and pick themselves up again. If your business fails, you will feel all those things you described but you will still have the most important things in life, your health and your family. (And I know how that sounds.) Just imagine, if you go through with it, your two sons in 20 years time, what would they say to you now? They need you, they are never going to stop needing you and they are certainly not going to give a stuff for insurance money.
You are right and I know I'm looking at things completely the wrong way. I just want to be happy but I can't find a way of being happy when my business is taking every ounce of strength from me! I tried to take my own life in March 2018 so I have had a snap shot of what pain it caused which to be honest doesn't help my state of mind one bit! I know I have everything to live for and I want to live but I want my family and I to live a happy life.
 

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