I'm a college Freshman and I don't see the point in any of this. All of this semester is paid for without the need for loans but I got my first exam grade and it wasn't impressive at all. At this rate I'll lose a scholarship. Why don't I care more? I hate college. I'm okay at it, but I hate it. I hate how everyone keeps trying to encourage me to do extra curricular activities when I can barely keep my head above water as is. I hate how every time I try to tell my family how I really feel, I end up smiling and making things up about how great things are going. I have friends here (the kind that brought me food when I was sick), I have work, and I have things to do if I want to but I still don't feel like being here. I'm just so tired and want to go to sleep and never wake up and life's just this constant headache that's not getting better. I get so scared when people talk about things getting a lot harder because they feel horrible enough now and I don't want to stick around for the "Real World" as they like to call it. I can't find the balance between happy and sad and it's killing me. Why can't I just be done? Why can't I accept that things will just never get any easier now, rather than dragging myself through a few more decades of this bullshit? It's not like I'm special or impressive. I'm just extra. I'm just a waste of space. When can I stop trying to justify my existence and just get on with throwing myself off something or overdosing on my sleep medication?