If Only I Could Just Go To Sleep

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by just_me_again, Sep 19, 2015.

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  1. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    I'm a college Freshman and I don't see the point in any of this. All of this semester is paid for without the need for loans but I got my first exam grade and it wasn't impressive at all. At this rate I'll lose a scholarship. Why don't I care more? I hate college. I'm okay at it, but I hate it. I hate how everyone keeps trying to encourage me to do extra curricular activities when I can barely keep my head above water as is. I hate how every time I try to tell my family how I really feel, I end up smiling and making things up about how great things are going.

    I have friends here (the kind that brought me food when I was sick), I have work, and I have things to do if I want to but I still don't feel like being here. I'm just so tired and want to go to sleep and never wake up and life's just this constant headache that's not getting better. I get so scared when people talk about things getting a lot harder because they feel horrible enough now and I don't want to stick around for the "Real World" as they like to call it. I can't find the balance between happy and sad and it's killing me.

    Why can't I just be done? Why can't I accept that things will just never get any easier now, rather than dragging myself through a few more decades of this bullshit? It's not like I'm special or impressive. I'm just extra. I'm just a waste of space. When can I stop trying to justify my existence and just get on with throwing myself off something or overdosing on my sleep medication?
     
  2. Ekirkpatrick

    Ekirkpatrick Member

    You matter. You are worth something. I know that sounds hokey but it's true. You will hurt a lot of people if you go. And anyway, college will get better. It may take a while but you will find your niche. Don't worry so much about making straight As. Have fun with it! College was the best time of my life! I'm 38 now with two kids and I can still say it was the best time of my life. I had some rough patches too but got through them. If you need to talk to someone, don't be ashamed. Just pick up the phone and make a call. But don't end your life. The best is yet to come. Trust me on this!
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    There are councilors at your school TALK to them ok that is why they are there to help people who are struggling like yourself. First year especially the first month of college is crazy and stressful and yes in time it gets easier as you get to know the routine and what your professors are expecting from you.
    Time is NOW to reach out for the help the support you need so you stop feeling so overwhelmed there. YES YOU DO MATTER all of us do ok you have to find what your passion is for living and go with it but that also may take time to find. I agree don't take on more then you can handle with the job ok or outside activities but do talk to a councilor or doctor at your school so you can get feeling better
     
  4. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    Update: Ended up with a B in the class that I thought I was going to fail. Scholarship is intact. I'm doing far better now.
     
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