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If only I could TLDR my issues.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dre, Mar 27, 2015.

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  1. Dre

    Dre New Member

    My life as a bullet pointed list
    • Physically/emotionally abused as a kid, oldest, protected my younger sibs
    • Went to college and thought life was awesome being out of my parents house
    • Discovered I'm not straight. On the one hand, yay! On the other hand, what extended family support I did have is now gone.
    • Went through a faith transition because of the not-straight thing (raised Mormon, so had internalized a lot of toxic messages about my identity)
    • Started working like crazy. Working hard, like I was running from something. I did it for 4 years, did really well in college. They're making a degree based off my work.
    • Was about to go to grad school, when I started suffering physical problems. Little things became big & chronic. I couldn't sit at my desk because of sciatic pain. I bike everywhere. I've always exercized to cope with the abuse growing up. I was very in shape, so why was this happening?
    • I chose not to go to grad school because my workaholism and physical problems were compounding
    • I read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Insanely triggering, but it dug up a lot of feelings about the abuse that I'd emotionally buried.
    • Worked through the Toxic Parents book with my siblings, leading up to confrontation where I severed contact with my parents.
    • Halfway through that ^^^ my knees started hurting. I'd been biking up mountains, across town, doing insanity workouts, running...and my knees started to give. I have no insurance.
    • It's been a year now and I can hardly walk. Exercise was a major coping tool for me. Suicidal thoughts have come and gone, but they've become a consistent feature of my life over the last few weeks.

    I can't walk right now. I haven't been able to walk in a year. My extended family revealed they never saw me as an actual human being when they rejected me because of my not-straightness. The god i believed in is toxic to my existence. Despite confronting my parents about the abuse, the feeling of relief was temporary. Internalized values of worthlessness still pervade my thoughts, despite all my efforts to prove otherwise. I've been a successful student. I'm innovative in my field. I've accomplished many things since escaping from the hellish house I grew up in. And nothing is ever enough.

    Right now, all I want is to go on a walk. To be able to walk outside. I walked half a mile earlier this week and have been down for 2 days because of it. I'm uninsured. I have no job. The depression has kept me pinned down with job hunting. I'm in a feedback loop where the abuse I suffered as a child haunts my psyche, I run away, my body has problems, and the worse my body feels, the less capable I am of dealing with the stress or getting the kind of employment that gives benefits. I'm in the coverage gap, there is no leniency with my situation. I'm self employed, so unemployment benefits don't apply to me. I don't have a car, so my options for employment and care are limited. I don't have a phone either.

    The truth is, growing up didn't prepare me for the real world. Simple things like getting a job, paying rent, or anything like that terrify me. I've been paralyzed for so long. It's hard to see a way out of any of it. I think about how little things would change in the world if i simply disappeared. <mod edit - methods> It would be rather effortless. Then the idea of suicide itself bores me. It doesn't matter either way. Nothing really matters. The path of least resistance is to keep existing in a numb hopeless misery.

    I know that won't always be my answer, not at this rate. The day will probably come where suicidal impulses will matter enough to seriously act on them. I'm fighting to get employed. I have skills in a job that could pay me 60k a year. I've only ever earned 8k, so that's a huge jump, but I have to do something. I've proven I can't self manage this, or my physical problems. They're all connected. Something's gotta give, and I can't see help anywhere. If there's one thing I've learned growing up being beaten, it's that no one will save you. Adults who seem like decent people will turn a blind eye because their lives are easier if they pretend your suffering doesn't exist. So you're left to save yourself. I've done it before. I can do it again. Even if I don't know how I can best escape this horrible loop, I have to keep going. I need relief, any kind of relief. The best way I see is get a job with benefits so I can actually get access to help. Because my knee problems, my mental health? I can't fucking self manage this. I've proven I'm incapable without assistance. I have to fake my way through interviews, pretend to be normal and stable, and get access to care.

    Sorry this is long, brevity isn't one of my strengths. If anyone's been caught in a similar loop of physical/mental/physical problems that compound each other, how did you handle it? Has it gotten better for you? Did you have external support?

    Thanks in advance for your replies.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  2. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    It's really the worse when your body betrays you. For me there is no coping: I have to heal completely or I can't go on in a compromised vessel.

    I kind of envy your numbness. My existence is constant anguish: it's sharp and always pressing.

    My mental state was always shakey. Now that my body is giving in I am at the very edge.

    It looks like you desperately need medical help for your physical condition first. That can be obtained without getting a job first. There are free medical resources. Once your body is fixed you'll be calmer and can deal with the mental side. The physical problem is primordial and urgent, can't do anything until it's eliminated
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Dre, first of all, congratulations on coming out and I'm terribly sorry it was at such cost. It sounds like you lost family and faith at the same time. This is terribly unfair - you should have been accepted and treasured for who you are and if one foundation was going to waver it would have been very helpful if the other had stood firm. I can only speculate at this, but it sounds terribly painful and confusing and I'm very sorry your coming out was not the happy event it should have been.

    As ramicule points out, there are some free medical resources out there, although it highly dependent on where in the country you are located. Right now you are in physical pain, which makes depression worse and is miserable in and of itself, and you are being denied your best coping mechanism, ie. exercise. To be in this kind of physical pain, while you are also dealing with the fallout from a toxic childhood is very tough. Hospital ERs can tell you where the closest free clinics are, so can hotlines or calling 211 (like calling 911 or 411 except for 211 provides info on community support resources - private and public). (I'm assuming you're in the US because you said you were brought up Mormon, please forgive me if I've jumped to the wrong conclusion). There is even free therapy and psychiatric care out there - I was astonished to find this in my own city just recently. I found it by calling a hotline. Again, the availability of free help varies considerably from state to state but it doesn't hurt to look.

    I think you are a very strong person, with a lot going for you. Although you don't think growing up provided you for the real world, I think you might be more prepared than you realize. Your role in your family as protector gave you strengths you mustn't discount. You have a good education and you know you're capable of working hard. Right now you just need the chance and the support. Please keep posting here, there are a lot of people who understand the kinds of things you are going through and are rooting for you.
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Have you figured out what triggers the knee pains? Is it more painful on one side or another or both same places?

    It takes courage to come out. Congratulations for being true to yourself.
  5. Dre

    Dre New Member

    Thanks for your replies everyone. Sorry, I have been offline since I posted this. It's painful for me to admit this stuff, so I tend to avoid.

    I agree. I have access to a free health clinic, but they require proof of income. Freelancing doesn't give you a paycheck like conventional jobs do, so I've been turned away until my taxes are done (turned away since last summer, that is). Fortunately, I got my last form in and I'm ready to print things out and give them another shot. I hope they have resources to help. The last time they let me in, the building didn't have power.

    ChestnutMay: Thanks for the kind words, they mean a lot. I'll look into free psychiatric care. I am in Utah (USA), and there aren't many resources open for people like me unless they are pregnant (which I am not and will certainly never be). I'm looking for jobs out of state to hopefully get me to a better situation.

    DrownedFish: I do not know what triggers the knee pains. The pain is delayed, meaning a mistake today means pain 12+ hours after the fact. It makes tracking things down exceedingly difficult. I will need scans and supervision to really know for sure. It is more painful on my left knee than my right. I have all sorts of guesses, but no real answers as to what is actually happening. Walking to bus stops has even proven problematic for me. Any surface that has an uphill slope (even slight) is a major ordeal. I have to walk very slowly, very deliberately, putting considerable thought into every motion. And to think a year ago I was riding my bike up mountains, haha.

    A bit of an update (good and bad):
    The good: I finally got a phone. Long story, but basically i've been battling to get this affordable pay as you go service set up for 2 weeks and nothing worked. Nothing in my entire life seemed to be working. Then, out of the blue, when it really shouldn't have technically worked, it did. I haven't had a day like that in so long. It made me so happy. Then, my brother took me to a park and I sat in the sun. I don't get out in the sun because I can't walk. I was brimming with gratitude. All in all, it put some wind in my sails. I've been able to do more job hunting. Things are still bumpy, but it's like seeing a tiny bit of sky in the middle of a storm.

    The not-so-good: My abusive mother was at the park. I wasn't able to move because I'd already done some walking and couldn't risk anything else. So I was immobilized and she talked very loudly so everyone could hear about how she wants to give me money to fix my knees. It's taken a year for anyone to take notice of my situation, FFS. It was a clear manipulative move. I'm desperate for any sort of relief right now and she knows it. If I accept her money, I involve her in my life once more (I disowned her last fall, completely cut her off; her presence at the park was regretable and probably very deliberate on her part).

    <mod edit - guidelines>

    Thanks again for your responses, it helps knowing other people understand.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 5, 2015
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