My life as a bullet pointed list Physically/emotionally abused as a kid, oldest, protected my younger sibs Went to college and thought life was awesome being out of my parents house Discovered I'm not straight. On the one hand, yay! On the other hand, what extended family support I did have is now gone. Went through a faith transition because of the not-straight thing (raised Mormon, so had internalized a lot of toxic messages about my identity) Started working like crazy. Working hard, like I was running from something. I did it for 4 years, did really well in college. They're making a degree based off my work. Was about to go to grad school, when I started suffering physical problems. Little things became big & chronic. I couldn't sit at my desk because of sciatic pain. I bike everywhere. I've always exercized to cope with the abuse growing up. I was very in shape, so why was this happening? I chose not to go to grad school because my workaholism and physical problems were compounding I read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Insanely triggering, but it dug up a lot of feelings about the abuse that I'd emotionally buried. Worked through the Toxic Parents book with my siblings, leading up to confrontation where I severed contact with my parents. Halfway through that ^^^ my knees started hurting. I'd been biking up mountains, across town, doing insanity workouts, running...and my knees started to give. I have no insurance. It's been a year now and I can hardly walk. Exercise was a major coping tool for me. Suicidal thoughts have come and gone, but they've become a consistent feature of my life over the last few weeks. I can't walk right now. I haven't been able to walk in a year. My extended family revealed they never saw me as an actual human being when they rejected me because of my not-straightness. The god i believed in is toxic to my existence. Despite confronting my parents about the abuse, the feeling of relief was temporary. Internalized values of worthlessness still pervade my thoughts, despite all my efforts to prove otherwise. I've been a successful student. I'm innovative in my field. I've accomplished many things since escaping from the hellish house I grew up in. And nothing is ever enough. Right now, all I want is to go on a walk. To be able to walk outside. I walked half a mile earlier this week and have been down for 2 days because of it. I'm uninsured. I have no job. The depression has kept me pinned down with job hunting. I'm in a feedback loop where the abuse I suffered as a child haunts my psyche, I run away, my body has problems, and the worse my body feels, the less capable I am of dealing with the stress or getting the kind of employment that gives benefits. I'm in the coverage gap, there is no leniency with my situation. I'm self employed, so unemployment benefits don't apply to me. I don't have a car, so my options for employment and care are limited. I don't have a phone either. The truth is, growing up didn't prepare me for the real world. Simple things like getting a job, paying rent, or anything like that terrify me. I've been paralyzed for so long. It's hard to see a way out of any of it. I think about how little things would change in the world if i simply disappeared. <mod edit - methods> It would be rather effortless. Then the idea of suicide itself bores me. It doesn't matter either way. Nothing really matters. The path of least resistance is to keep existing in a numb hopeless misery. I know that won't always be my answer, not at this rate. The day will probably come where suicidal impulses will matter enough to seriously act on them. I'm fighting to get employed. I have skills in a job that could pay me 60k a year. I've only ever earned 8k, so that's a huge jump, but I have to do something. I've proven I can't self manage this, or my physical problems. They're all connected. Something's gotta give, and I can't see help anywhere. If there's one thing I've learned growing up being beaten, it's that no one will save you. Adults who seem like decent people will turn a blind eye because their lives are easier if they pretend your suffering doesn't exist. So you're left to save yourself. I've done it before. I can do it again. Even if I don't know how I can best escape this horrible loop, I have to keep going. I need relief, any kind of relief. The best way I see is get a job with benefits so I can actually get access to help. Because my knee problems, my mental health? I can't fucking self manage this. I've proven I'm incapable without assistance. I have to fake my way through interviews, pretend to be normal and stable, and get access to care. Sorry this is long, brevity isn't one of my strengths. If anyone's been caught in a similar loop of physical/mental/physical problems that compound each other, how did you handle it? Has it gotten better for you? Did you have external support? Thanks in advance for your replies.