If only I knew what was on the other side.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Joe1984, Mar 17, 2009.

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  1. Joe1984

    Joe1984 New Member

    Don't worry, this isn't a thread about religion.

    I was raised in church. And it's really the only thing that's kept me here this long. You know? I'm not sure if their is a god or not, but if there is, I don't want to go to hell for killing myself. But the way things have gone in my life, I really wonder if he even does exist.

    I told my parents when I was 14 that I thought I had depression, and they just said all teenagers go through it. It's normal. Blah blah blah. Anyway, after I graduated high school, I was completely lost. And about 3 or 4 months later, I decided it was time to go.

    I went out late at night and laid on the railroad tracks blaring music in my headphones hoping to go to sleep before a train came and I wouldn't have to hear it or know it was coming. But since the tracks weren't to comfortable, I never got to sleep. And when the train came, I felt it and my survival instincts kicked in and I moved out of the way. After the train left, I tried again, only to do the same and get up. That's when I realized I didn't have the guts to do so. Basically I failed at failing.

    That's when I knew I needed help. So I went to the doctor and told him I was depressed. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and prescribed me Lexipro. After taking it about a month, I started making irrational decisions and got myself into some trouble with the law. Which was WAY out of character for me. The doctor has a reputation for being a quack, so I just quit taking them.

    In the few years since, some good things have happened which made me glad I was alive. I was going to have a baby and I had a good job and life was good. But that soon withered away when I found out that my girlfriend at the time cheated on me and the baby turned out to not even be mine. And then I lost my job, one of the few jobs that I actually stuck with.

    I can't seem to hold a job when I can find one. I have few friends, and the ones I do have, I question how much they really consider me a friend. Most of my family don't seem to really care if I live or die anyway. I think my mom is the only one who does.

    I am just lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of constantly being depressed and seeing everyone around me happy as can be. I just want out. I feel like running away from it all. Which is what I seem to do with any problem that comes my way.

    I know I sound really emo right now. But I don't know what to do. No one I know has a clue how I feel, and I don't want them to. That's why I came here. I needed to get it out.
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey...i'm glad you came here. . .
    s.f. has been so supportive to me. .
    i hope you find support - feel free to pm if you want to talk. .

    here there are many others who have a similar situation. . . i know you will find someone to relate to.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Joe,
    Why don't you see a different shrink?? Have your self rediagnosed so you know for sure what is going on with yourself.. I highly recommend a therapist..But you have to tell all and give it time..It tokk me two years to tell mine everything and now on my third year I am seeing progress.
    You might check with your local hospital phsyc ward and find out if there are any group therapies in your area.. Sitting and listening to others with similar problems might shed some light on whats happening with you..Me personally I couldn't hang with group because one of my problems is socialphobia. But I have met several people when I was in the hospital that group helped them..Take care!!
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