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If others could only guess.

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#1
I walk around and appear happy, normal (albeit a bit odd!) to those around me. No one seems to recognize how miserable I am. I make conversations quick because I want to avoid social interactions, but whenever I'm alone I just want to be with people. I just can't believe that anyone can enjoy my presence.

It's funny--I was talking with a friend last week and he mentioned that he thought so-and-so was depressed because of how he was acting. And yet, here I am, sitting right across from him, and he has no idea of my state of mind. He can talk to me, a person mildly obsessed with thoughts of suicide, and have no idea what I'm going through.

I get so frustrated by little things, I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I can't think of anything, at all. My weight has skyrocketed, as has the time I spend alone, and I sleep nearly as much as I'm awake. I long for three years ago, the last time I can remember being truly happy.

I don't think I want to die, I just want to feel fucking better.
 
#2
I think we all are in the same boat .. trying to show the world how normal and happy we are while we are just shrinking and dying inside. Good thing in your case is that you want to live. There is nothing more powerful than a resolute mind. I would suggest to take a step back, think about where you are in life today and where you want to go. Life is not easy and fun but we have to atleast make an effort.
 
#4
"Whenever I'm alone I just want to be with people" but feeling like people can't enjoy your presence. I totally understand. It's the kind of thing I could never say to someone I know. In my own case I don't know why I feel this way about myself but whenever I see two people chatting away and smiling I know that couldn't be me. I'd be worrying too much about what they thought of me.

Sorry to turn this on myself. Can I ask what was so different three years ago that you didn't feel like this? Do you know how you happened to slip into the way you feel now?
 

darkplace

Well-Known Member
#5
Hey, I too have been through constant conscious efforts to ensure that people don't think I'm depressed. On the last major downer I had I was living with a friend who I did not know very well at the time, and I just broke down in front of a stupid movie or something and tried to hide my tears. She saw and I had a heart to heart with her about things and how long I had been depressed. She told me I was very strong as she didn't even guess that I was in that place.
I channeled my energy into projecting a different version of myself to people so they didnt know I was depressed. But I also felt that if I talked to them they would think I was crazy. So I write in a diary, poetry and talk to a tomb stone in the graveyard sometimes when no one is around. Then gradually I channeled my energy into also taking care of myself. I find solace in books and poetry. Try and love yourself. Because in the end thats all that matters.
My point is that you are a strong willed person, for people not to guess of your condition. Keep going and you'll become stronger, and better over time.

Be strong my friend.
 
#7
Jeserai--I just don't tell many people. It's obvious to my family, but even around them I try to hide the extent of it. I can't describe how unhappy I am. I feel like everything I do to bring myself out of depression just blows up in my face to the point to wondering why I should try with any of this crap anymore.

Darkplace--Thanks for your support, but it is hard for me to love myself when I feel I am unworthy of love from anyone (including myself).

Thanks all.
 
#8
I've been praying on that too. That someday, people realize what I'm going through. I've met several persons here on SF, got to know them and realized that they're coping with their depression with the help of other people. Us, on the other hand, are probably having a harder time because no one's there to recognize what we're going through. But I guess, all these would disappear someday if just like you said it, we learn to get better.
 
#9
I walk around and appear happy, normal (albeit a bit odd!) to those around me. No one seems to recognize how miserable I am. I make conversations quick because I want to avoid social interactions, but whenever I'm alone I just want to be with people. I just can't believe that anyone can enjoy my presence.

It's funny--I was talking with a friend last week and he mentioned that he thought so-and-so was depressed because of how he was acting. And yet, here I am, sitting right across from him, and he has no idea of my state of mind. He can talk to me, a person mildly obsessed with thoughts of suicide, and have no idea what I'm going through.

I get so frustrated by little things, I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I can't think of anything, at all. My weight has skyrocketed, as has the time I spend alone, and I sleep nearly as much as I'm awake. I long for three years ago, the last time I can remember being truly happy.

I don't think I want to die, I just want to feel fucking better.




Everything is more complicated than
you think. You only see a tenth of
what is true. There are a million
little strings attached to every
choice you make; you can destroy
your life every time you choose.
But maybe you won't know for twenty
years. And you'll never ever trace
it to its source. And you only get
one chance to play it out. Just try
and figure out your own divorce.
And they say there is no fate, but
there is: it's what you create.
Even though the world goes on for
eons and eons, you are here for a
fraction of a fraction of a second.
Most of your time is spent being
dead or not yet born. But while
alive, you wait in vain, wasting
years, for a phone call or a letter
or a look from someone or something
to make it all right. And it never
comes or it seems to but doesn't
really. And so you spend your time
in vague regret or vaguer hope for
something good to come along.
Something to make you feel
connected, to make you feel whole,
to make you feel loved.

and the truth is I'm so angry and
the truth is I'm so fucking sad,
and the truth is I've been so
fucking hurt for so fucking long
and for just as long have been
pretending I'm ok, just to get
along, just for, I don't know why,
maybe because no one wants to hear
about my misery, because they have
their own, and their own is too
overwhelming to allow them to
listen to or care about mine.
Well, fuck everybody.
Amen.
- From Synecdoche New York
 

pancake111

Well-Known Member
#10
This exact same thing is happening to me. My best friend will say to me how depressed he is and how i don't understand, when really I understand exactly what he's talking about.

I also don't feel happy, and I really don't remember what it's like to feel happy. I want to feel better, but there's always a part of me that doesn't want to.

I don't really have any advice for you because i'm in the same position, but i wanted to say that i underatand, and if you want to talk, PM me anytime.:hug:
 
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