Growing up in a broken home is not easy. Instead of being loved as a good little girl, The only way to feel loved was if I hurt myself. The only way my family would care for me was if I did bad things to myself. I wasnt allowed to show any emotions because emotions were seen as a weakness. I would cry myself to sleep at night or hide somewhere alone, if they saw my tears I would have to face my biggest fears. Daddy wasnt there and mommy needed care. It all started by holding in my emotions for years and then suddenly anger stuck me. I was angry at myself for not being good enough to be loved by my parents. I am now a perfectionist and I must do everything perfectly or else Im not good enough. Cutting is a way for me to feel.. To me, cutting is the only thing that is truly real. Cutting is self punishment, if I made a mistake then is it pain that I must take. I cant stop this addiction, it feels so good to hurt not because I want it but because I need it. If no one will punish me then I must do it myself. If I am emotionally numb inside then I must create emotion it myself. I know my mind is very twisted but if the blade wasnt here I know I'd deeply miss it.