If the blade wasnt here Id deeply miss it

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by KittyGlitter, Jan 2, 2014.

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  1. KittyGlitter

    KittyGlitter New Member

    Growing up in a broken home is not easy. Instead of being loved as a good little girl, The only way to feel loved was if I hurt myself.
    The only way my family would care for me was if I did bad things to myself.
    I wasnt allowed to show any emotions because emotions were seen as a weakness.
    I would cry myself to sleep at night or hide somewhere alone, if they saw my tears I would have to face my biggest fears.
    Daddy wasnt there and mommy needed care.
    It all started by holding in my emotions for years and then suddenly anger stuck me.
    I was angry at myself for not being good enough to be loved by my parents.
    I am now a perfectionist and I must do everything perfectly or else Im not good enough.
    Cutting is a way for me to feel.. To me, cutting is the only thing that is truly real.
    Cutting is self punishment, if I made a mistake then is it pain that I must take.
    I cant stop this addiction, it feels so good to hurt not because I want it but because I need it.
    If no one will punish me then I must do it myself.
    If I am emotionally numb inside then I must create emotion it myself.
    I know my mind is very twisted but if the blade wasnt here I know I'd deeply miss it.​
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    very sad your post but you can replace the blade you can with something postive that will help you to feel good abt yourself not bad hun i hope you reach out and find postive ways ok You deserve only kindness and care and understanding not more pain hugs
  3. RESTurtles

    RESTurtles Well-Known Member

    I can relate, I feel somewhat the same.

    I'm here if you need to need to vent or talk anything out.
  4. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    When you quit you miss it alot. Its like not being able to something essential like laugh or talk or blink and it always sits in the dark corners of your mind tempting you. Like other addictions you have to find a substitute
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