If the world hates you.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Jan 1, 2015.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    keep in mind that it hated me before it hated you. It taught me to hate myself. It painted me the darkest shade of black. It made me green with envy. Ive been hurt by so many, loved by so few. The world, everyone elses opinion of me turned into a reflection in the mirror. A funhouse mirror, a distorted view. But the only one I see clearly. Who do I believe. Them, or my lying eyes. I am what I am. What I was born as. My height, weight, color, size, face. I hate it all. Cos you hate it all. But its not my fault. God had the audacity to rip my soul from somewhere and throw it into this rotten piece of flesh. I never asked to be born or to live. Im not good at being human. Im not good at life. Why am I here. What is my purpose? What is the purpose of any of this. I don't have a choice. Being born in a shallow and vain world. I was doomed the minute I was conceived. And now trapped in a life I never asked for, a body I don't want, a face I detest, a person I hate, and a world that despises me.

    Im sorry. :'( Im sorry for the way I look. Sorry for the way I am. Sorry for the way I was made. Sorry Im not as strong or beautifully made. Sorry im not smart and talented. I wasnt given much to work with. Its not much I can do with a 5'10 pile of sh*t. I wish I was born different. I wish I could be someone else. Please forgive me. Im sorry I look so ugly. Im sorry im so afraid and shy. Forgive me. Please. Can you still be my friend? A troll asking to befriend the Gods. I just don't want to be alone here anymore. Im sorry im ugly. I swear im a nice person. I have a heart too. I have heart. :'( ... What about my heart? Can you find a way to love me too? Can someone please look past the outer beast. I have a heart too. I deserve to have love.

    Im sorry. Life has so much. So much beauty. So much to experience and feel. And to have none of it is overwhelming. It is overwhelming. It is unbearable. Like choking, gasping for love as if it was air. Starving for a friend as if they were food. Thirsty for a life, but my life is one endless drought. Its torment. Infinite torment. To sit and watch so much happening, so much love, happiness, and joy all around me. I can only dream what it is like. I can only imagine what it feels like. I would give anything to be anyone else but me. Such lucky and happy people. So lucky. So lucky. Your all so lucky. You won the lottery. Your lives are so beautiful. So amazing. I can only sit in awe and anguish. Your joy is my misery. Cos the world hates me. You hate me. I hate me.

    I have nothing. Nothing to love. Nothing to hold. Nothing to see. Nothing to touch. Why give me a heart. Why give me hands. Why give me eyes. If I was never meant to use them. Why? Why did you bring me here. What do you want from me. You just need me to be. I need to exist. I know what I am. I know what I was meant for. You cant have light without the darkness. You cant have beauty without ugliness. You cant have success without failure. I was meant to be mentally ill. I was meant to look like this. Cos my purpose is to be the opposite of good. The opposite of light. The opposite of beauty. The opposite of success. The opposite of sane. The opposite of strong. The world needs me as the example of what it looks like to be an ugly, lonely, unintelligent, loser. You need to look at me to appreciate what you have. You look at me to remind yourself it could be worse. You look at me to define what is attractive and not. You use me as your example of what not to be. But lucky for me, you cant have life without death. And soon I wont be here to be slave to this world. We will all be nothing. And only then will I find happiness. We will all be nothing. We will all be the same. We can all be friends in death.

    I think about dying so much. What will it be like. Will I sleep forever or will my consciousness float around this world or another. What am I, where do I come from, how did I get here, why couldn't my mother have a abortion if she didn't want me? I don't want to be here just to envy the world and live in misery. What was I suppose to be? Huh? I was a pretty dumb kid but I think I finally realized it when I was 15. After being verbally and physically abused and rejected, it finally hit me. Children are the most honest. They don't have an agenda. They told me what I am. They beat the truth in me. Adult just confirm it, they just do it more indirectly and subtle. Oh your a nice guy but, not my type. Imagine, being no ones type. People treating you as if your carrying a deadly virus.

    That person in the mirror. I hate you. I hate you so much. Don't come near me. Don't touch me. Why wont you leave me alone. Leave me alone. What are you. Hes attached to me. Im carrying a dead body. I have to get rid of it. I hate him. One day I swear, I will find a way. I will. I will. This cant last forever.

    If the world hates you, keep in mind it hated me before it hated anything. Im the opposite of loved. I was born to be hated.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2015
  2. Kadoosh

    Kadoosh Member

    Every single word you typed applies to me....

    I'm black so everyone hates me. Huge nostrils, big lips, ugly/nappy coarse hair. The black race has to be cursed. I have no idea what I've done to deserve this. I'm also short, have been called ugly, family treated me poorly from day 1, the whole nine, etc
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Im surprised someone actually read that and replied....
  4. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I dont want to really reply. But i am compelled to do so. I i dentify with what you have so courageously shared and yet i sense a cowerdice utter hoplessness qualities i know i posses in abundance...Blame! Its such a toxic mechanism of survival because it just makes everything worse! Because there is nothing i can do about my cruel fate when its everyone elses fault it gives me permission to just construct my own personal hell and yet deep down i kmow there not to blame and that its me is the real truth that tourchers every fiber of my existence. Why is it i cant just stengthen up and take responsibility for my existence and take it on the chin and get on with the cards i have been dealt? I once saw an old man in a 3rd world country and he was carrying a massive bail of hay on his head. And i just knew he had done better than me with the cards he had been dealt and wasnt a victim of them. He was just getting on with it. And i knew in that moment i was doomed. What I give I get. What I beleive I received. You remimded me of the elephant man film to an extent. In respects to the perceived ugliness. Nobody ever told me i was ugly. Tell a lie actually they have and it hurt on a cosmic level. The point is i felt ugly. Uglier than the elephant man. Because like the old man with the bail of hay the elephant man done the best he could with the cards he had been dealt and i knew that and so the suffering progresses and deepens until i choose to face the pain of living x
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Ive always been stunted by fear. I am a coward. But im also ill. My anxiety disorder is too irrational and paralyzing. Yes I could of, would of, should of done more. I guess my biggest mistake is when I dropped the hay and looked around me for the first time and started to question why am I carrying hay on my head. As long as I carried it I was somewhat oblivious to everything around me. A narrow sense of awareness. Was content. When it fell, what I saw overwhelmed me and I realized there is more to life than this hay on my head. And I could never go back to the way I was. But found out too quickly, I could never have the things I seen and dreamed of. Your right. Im not a victim. Im just mentally ill. A nobody dealt a bad hand. A zebra raging because he cant change his strips. I wear this face, it is my Scarlett letter. And no, it is not fair. Life isn't. But, you can play with the hand dealt, sacrifice and be denied so many things that make life worth living and just accept it. Accept living a life less meaningful. Some do, and they find their own meaning, and survive. Some don't. I guess im at the point where im trying to decide what I can salvage. Can I accept it. Is it worth it. Or is the misery, pain, sickness and loneliness too much to endure for the rest of my life. You only get one life. This is the only hand you get. That's why its so painful. I just want to fold. Not cos I don't want to face the pain of living. I just cant justify my existence.
  6. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    Good to hear you holding on to what seems like a thread of hope...Just the fact that your expressing yourself alone is a proactive attempt at deciphering the discombobulated quandary you find yourself in... where there is life there is hope... And you strike me as. An above average intelligent individual with a astonishing clarity of your condition...What i have found is that it happens to the best of us...And that as deep and as broad is your suffering. ..so shall be your comfort but more importantly the comfort of others...There are those who have no reference of the depth of suffering you have experienced. .. There are those who will never have the tools to verbalise the depth of their inner turmoil and will get great comfort from your aruodite expressions. ..I truly believe from my own experience that the only escape from my biblical agony was to focus my attention on helping others unconditionally and helping them to discover a solution or just being able to empathise and make them feel heard and that they matter...It was only then that my unearthy suffering became a priceless comodity and meaning and purpose revealed itself to me in abundance...x
  7. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Don't really think I have hope. I don't really know how to hope or what hope is. Its vague, much like faith. The only things ive learned about this dark cloud that ive lived in for the past 20 years is that it a perfect, efficient and merciless assassinator of life, hope, and dreams. I am fluent in describing it, yet I know nothing about how to overcome it. Neither does my psychiatrist. I wouldn't know where to begin to try to use my empire of misery into something useful or to help others. As long as im at the bottom of this river I don't mind laying next to an army of bodies. I don't want to be alone.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    I don't know if it's just me but I do see beauty in all people of all sizes/shapes. I appericate the diversity that humanity can create. I've always been that way since I was little. People are amazing and the more diverse next to one another is breathtaking.
  9. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    You are not alone in feeling alone and hopeless. I can garentee you that. I wish i had a magic wand and i could grant you a wish. Make it all better. I have no real chance of helping anybody with my crippled ability to love and accept myself. Could you imagine that it could be worse? I couldnt until it did and i asked myself am i the culprit?
  10. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    You cant really blame yourself if you genuinely suffer from mental issues that compromise your ability to like yourself, feel confident, make sound decisions, and feel good in general. But saying its not your fault doesn't help or make it better. Sometimes I wish it was my fault. It would be easier to explain and maybe easier to overcome.
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