If there is no hope what is left?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by toomuchreality, Sep 16, 2014.

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  1. I'm tired. I am honest when I say there have been rare days in my life that I have felt joy, content, or gratitude for life. I have seen the dark side of everything for as long as I have memories. I often wonder if I deserve suffering for some reason. I have had extreme anxiety over the simplest things. Of course, how I grew up created many issues, but the past is gone. All of it shouldn't matter anymore right?

    I'm too tired to even try to post much. The only reason I keep going is because I have 2 children, one is still home with me, just started high school, and he would be in turmoil if I left. If I could write everything it would be very long, so this is just a vent of some things.

    I had an abusive husband, 18 yrs,, he basically watched me attempt to overdose a few times and did nothing. The names he called me I can't repeat, or can I ....what difference would it make now, they are stuck in my head. I felt worthless as a child. My mother called me horrible things, and I just ended up believing all my problems were because I was no good, useless, lazy, she called me gross and a dirty pig. My husband repeated things like that to me when he wanted me to feel hurt. He knew how I felt about myself. Having been hospitalized several times during our marriage, he knew using my mental illness to hurt me was the worst. I was bipolar shizoaffective at times, after having the kids, and at times of extreme stress. He said more than "psycho", combined with alot of other nice labels.

    He finally left me after cheating and lying for years. He has told me how happy he is with this new woman, how great she is, how he loves her and won't lose her over anything. Our son needed something from him, his gf didn't agree, and he put his gf before the needs of our son. My ex gets angry with me bc our son won't talk to him, and says our son only knows my side of things. It is not true. Our son saw the abuse, and also knows I was abusive back at times, getting very angry and couldn't take it, I did try to hurt him back too.

    I know it doesn't make sense but I have cried lately, seeing the failing of our marriage as all my fault, wishing I could still have our marriage. Yes he blames me for it. He said I was cruel to him, put him down for years, so I deserved being hit and told I was all those horrible things. He said the one time, after me begging for months for an answer as to why he slapped and pushed me, that "you have to admit you were acting extremely nutty for days". I remember not being able to sleep and worrying about meetings at the school because they were pushing add meds for our son. I wasn't mean, just talking too much to him and he wanted to sleep.

    Well it is all in the past. But I'm left here alone. I have no friends. When I was married to him, he was basically all I had to rely on. And I don't know how to make friends at this point. My health is bad, I'm of no use to anyone so I don't see how I could have any friends... After all to have a friend you have to be a friend, and I have nothing to offer. I'm too depressed to move, my apartment is a disaster, and I barely can look after myself or my son. I also have tinnitus, it has gotten to the point where I can't take much more of it...

    Thanks for letting me vent here, and to anyone who reads this. I'd just like to have hope but I can't find any right now.
  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi toomuchreality, Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've been through a very tumultuous time particularly with the treatment from your husband which is undeserving regardless of the reasons. As for being a friend of someone, everyone has something to offer. You're a caring person which is evident by how you love your children. You're a tolerant person to have put up with your husband. You're a selfless person by thanking us for reading this post when you feel gratitude is scarce in your own life. So what we have is a caring, tolerant and selfless person. It seems to me this person can offer so much as a friend.

    I know it's hard at the moment but please try to persevere with your life. You're doing a great job by staying with your children and by looking after them and I hope you see that they're reasons in itself to keep persisting. I'm sure they love you for this too. Please post back with how you're feeling if you would like to. There's so many caring people like you on this forum who would be more than happy to help. Husky.
  3. Thanks so much for the response, Husky. You have helped me to see there are some good things, but I can't agree completely because I know myself too well, and I feel like a pretty bad mother. I just wanted you to know you have been kind to take time to help. My oldest texted me today that he loves me. My younger one tells me every day he loves me. (of course it is not all great, i get told to shut up often too when I try to help him)......anyways, for whatever reason I had an hour or so today where I felt somewhat better and the suicidal feelings left for a while. Here's hoping it will be better again tomorrow
    Thanks so much again Husky. I hope you are well
  4. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi toomuchreality, I'm so pleased that you had a really positive experience today. It's great to hear that you felt better too. As for being a bad mother, my mother sometimes thinks that too but I know she's a good mother. Your children tell you they love you and that tells me that you're a good mother too. There may be things that you may have done differently if you could do them again, but we are all the same in this regard. I think it's important to look at this from an overall view and the fact that your children love you and you love them is what matters.

    I hope that you have a great day and many more positive experiences. Husky.
  5. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi after reading your story, my first thought was what a strong female and caring mother we have here. Although you are quite sure you are not a good mother, I would see this as you are someone who hopes to become an even better parent to your children.

    Suicidal feelings can indeed come and go as you've shared here. Let your children's love soothe your pain and calm your mind. With a relaxed mind, you will slowly be able to see what needs to be done, one step at a time, to rebuilt a truly loving home for all of you.

    Along with Husky, I wish you have a great day and many more positive experiences. It will be a better tomorrow because your children will be there for you.

    Keep posting and take care.
  6. Just want to thank you snogo and Husky for your replies. I've still been struggling very much with loneliness and health issues, but I do know I have to go on for my kids. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and taking time to respond. I wish you both all the best too
  7. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi toomuchreality, Thank you for your well wishes. I think going on for your kids seems like a very good reason and it sounds like your children are great as well. Your worth going on for too though and if you ever feel alone or that it becomes too much, this forum will be good company for you. I think also the fact that your so gratuitous and selfless in your well wishes is again indicative of the caring person you are. This is particularly the case since you're going through such a difficult time. Take care and I hope that you have a great day. Husky.
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