I'm tired. I am honest when I say there have been rare days in my life that I have felt joy, content, or gratitude for life. I have seen the dark side of everything for as long as I have memories. I often wonder if I deserve suffering for some reason. I have had extreme anxiety over the simplest things. Of course, how I grew up created many issues, but the past is gone. All of it shouldn't matter anymore right? I'm too tired to even try to post much. The only reason I keep going is because I have 2 children, one is still home with me, just started high school, and he would be in turmoil if I left. If I could write everything it would be very long, so this is just a vent of some things. I had an abusive husband, 18 yrs,, he basically watched me attempt to overdose a few times and did nothing. The names he called me I can't repeat, or can I ....what difference would it make now, they are stuck in my head. I felt worthless as a child. My mother called me horrible things, and I just ended up believing all my problems were because I was no good, useless, lazy, she called me gross and a dirty pig. My husband repeated things like that to me when he wanted me to feel hurt. He knew how I felt about myself. Having been hospitalized several times during our marriage, he knew using my mental illness to hurt me was the worst. I was bipolar shizoaffective at times, after having the kids, and at times of extreme stress. He said more than "psycho", combined with alot of other nice labels. He finally left me after cheating and lying for years. He has told me how happy he is with this new woman, how great she is, how he loves her and won't lose her over anything. Our son needed something from him, his gf didn't agree, and he put his gf before the needs of our son. My ex gets angry with me bc our son won't talk to him, and says our son only knows my side of things. It is not true. Our son saw the abuse, and also knows I was abusive back at times, getting very angry and couldn't take it, I did try to hurt him back too. I know it doesn't make sense but I have cried lately, seeing the failing of our marriage as all my fault, wishing I could still have our marriage. Yes he blames me for it. He said I was cruel to him, put him down for years, so I deserved being hit and told I was all those horrible things. He said the one time, after me begging for months for an answer as to why he slapped and pushed me, that "you have to admit you were acting extremely nutty for days". I remember not being able to sleep and worrying about meetings at the school because they were pushing add meds for our son. I wasn't mean, just talking too much to him and he wanted to sleep. Well it is all in the past. But I'm left here alone. I have no friends. When I was married to him, he was basically all I had to rely on. And I don't know how to make friends at this point. My health is bad, I'm of no use to anyone so I don't see how I could have any friends... After all to have a friend you have to be a friend, and I have nothing to offer. I'm too depressed to move, my apartment is a disaster, and I barely can look after myself or my son. I also have tinnitus, it has gotten to the point where I can't take much more of it... Thanks for letting me vent here, and to anyone who reads this. I'd just like to have hope but I can't find any right now.