If there is no hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by desperate, Jun 27, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. desperate

    desperate Member

    I bumped into this site accidentally, as I was browsing on the net how I can end my suffering. I used to have a normal life, work, friends, plans...But all of a sudden I started to feel very sharp pains in my tummy so strong that I was just lay on the ground and prayed that it would go away. I thought it was just something temporary but not. I went to various docs, went through terrible tests but they cannot diagnose my illness. I can hardly move, my tears are flowing on my face when the worst attacks hit. As they cannot tell me what is wrong they think Im making this up. This whole thing has been going on for very long months. I was working abroad, and as things were going badly I thought maybe I should move home just for a few weeks to get diagnosis and everything will be back to normal. But months were passing without any result. I didnt close down my life abroad (bank, work, moving my stuff back to home) I left everything open as my dreams tied me there and hoped this nightmare will be over and I can continue where I was. But not...At the moment Im living with my parents, though Im nearly 30 in a small village. Every day I go to bed with the thought that my pains will disappear by the morning and I can live normally. I went every possible places for help but docs dont know what is wrong. Now Im at the point that I think it will be better if I kill myself. I had done so many things to get better but I cannot live longer in pain. For months I just went to docs then I came home,not even leaving my room. I lost my interest in everything. My friends even turn away from me as they think I cannot be in pain if there is no sure diagnosis for it. There are so many beautiful things in life, but I simply dont have the strength to fight in pain.
    I dont know why Im writing this down here. English is not my mother tongue, but here in my country I couldnt even find a website where I could share my thoughts about suicide.
  2. History

    History Well-Known Member

    since the pain is a physical one, you should continue to see docs, perhaps gastrointestinal specialists. I can empathize with you. I used to have frequent migraines and during those attacks, I wish I was dead.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you have had to suffer in this way. There must be an underlying reason for the pain so don't stop searching for the answer. I am glad you found us and now have a place you can vent and share your innermost thoughts. Please take care. :hug:
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are suffering from this pain so greatly. You don't deserve it but i'm sure that if you keep seeing a doctor they will find a cause for this pain and help treat it. Keep posting here if you ever want to vent or ask for advice. :hug:
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    It is often difficult to find the cause of extreme stomach pain as I know a couple of people who have gone through it. It took a lot of time so please have them keep looking. Maybe it's even some kind of parasite that you picked up when you were abroad. Sorry to hear you are in this position!
  6. desperate

    desperate Member

    Thank you all for the support.
  7. desperate

    desperate Member

    It is me again...Last night I simply couldnt sleep at all. My mind simply cannot rest. I think I really now at the point when I have to find solutions. I cannot live like this any longer. God is my witness how many docs I have seen so far and I simply cannot understand that why they cannot realise what is my problem. Every movement hurts as if somebody has stabbed me in my stomach. To live with this pain for such a long time exhausted me completely. There is not even a painkiller that could soothe my pain. One doc told me why Im nagging about you dont have cancer he said. I became speechless...I just want to live without pain!!!I live in my bedroom actually, I dont go out at all, I dont work, I dont have anything now...Today I was talking to my grandma about this and she said you have only one life, you have to appreciate it. And I said , I know, but if you live in constant pain, if you cannot live normally as others, if you cannot work, if I cannot add anything to the society then why is it worth?she couldnt reply...I think that I will give a little more time that maybe God will send me to the right doc but if not then I really cannot bear this longer.
  8. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi Sylvie,

    Have you tried contacting doctors from other countries? You could try to contact them to find out what are the possible causes. I'm glad to hear that your grandma seems like an understanding person.

    Best of luck..take care.
  9. desperate

    desperate Member

    I have tried to contact docs from abroad as well but with no success.
    Just a few minutes ago I heard my parents talking about me. They didnt know that I heard everything they said. They said that they had enough of what is going on with me and they cannot do this longer. Now I even feel a burden on them. :sad:
  10. the Hollow

    the Hollow Well-Known Member

    I dont want to assume but this sounds really familiar to me about 6 years ago after blood tests ultra-sounds etc my doctor diagnosed me with Irritable bowel syndrome,I was so angry when he told me this as I was made to feel like it was almost imaginary as its a syndrome,not a disease. This was also the first time I was prescribed anti-depressants (prozac) which made me even more angry. I couldnt take them so I looked up alternative medicines and treatment,I found that if I didnt eat refined food,or dariy products,kept wheat to a minimum and took up running about 3 times a week I could manage it myself.Of course you dont have to cut out all those foods just do it by process of illimination and monitor how you feel after certain foods and weather you feel better after say a week of cutting something in particular out.The exercise works wonders to kick start everything flowing,to flush out your system as your digestive system tends to be sluggish if you have IBS.You could just try this as it doesnt involve medicine and wont do you any harm,it'll also help get your endorphines going so maybe you can feel a bit more positive and like your day has a bit more purpose.
    I hope I havnt offended you as I know this can be very touchy and you feel like youre on the defensive but if nothing else treating yourself for IBS will do you no harm.I believe this worked for me so much that I went on to become a qualified fitness instructor with the intension of helping people with mild depression and IBS who dont wish to be medicated.
    Also sorry for my crappy spelling.
  11. desperate

    desperate Member

    Thank you for expressing your support and opinion. I have decided it is better if I close this thread. All the best for everyone.
  12. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Why do you think it is best for everyone if the thread is closed? We care about you and want to help you.
  13. desperate

    desperate Member

    Im saying it from the bottom of my heart that I really appreciate the support that I got here. I appreciate those work expecially who have gone through suicide attempts, managed to find meaning in live and now are here to support others. My problem is different than others.I havent had self harm or suicidal thoughts before as I always thought that we came to this life with purpose. But then I had this illness which made my life a hell. In life there are always options if you lose your job, you may even find a better one, if you were dumped by your love then you may even find the love of your life etc. But if you have health problem which cannot even be diagnosed and you struggle with your tears every day because of the pain, then I feel it is different.
    I simply cannot plan my life ahead, just to pray every day that maybe a miracle could happen and I will wake up completely healthily.
    Sorry for being long, but I just wanted to write it out from myself.
    Please keep on going with this site as it is a real treasure!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2009
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.