if there was an easy way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by corral, Feb 1, 2007.

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  1. corral

    corral Guest

    hello everyone.
    i feel like sharing my story.. sorry if its boring.
    im 24 years old. born in russia, since the first day i hated it here, everyone is different, stupid, dirty, like 1000 years ago for normal countries, rude, poor.
    when i was a little kid i even realised it and wished i was adopted by someone from another country or something.
    i was born with wrecked legs, cause back then they didnt even have ultra sound so didnt do the job properly when i was born. because of that i was put into strings which fixed my legs after 2 years, but wrecked my back. so i have had bad back for all my life. its not super bad, but its just not perfect.
    but its not the worst.
    all my life ive been dreaming of a better life, and now when im 24 i realised its never gonna happen, ill always be this unlucky loser.
    i am a good person, that good girl everyone would pick on at school.
    my parents were physically and mentally abusive (my father), the worst my mother did was never believed in me, the worst my father did - hit me and yelled and all that.
    all this made me grow up into insecure weak person who finds it hard to deal with things.
    i had a dog for 10 years, it died last august, i had to put it down and watch it die, it was a huge shock for me.
    my bad luck doesnt end here.
    i have.. or had a long distance boyfriend. we met 5 years ago. we are from different countries and far apart. but we had something special. weird same things would happen between us and i did anything to make it work.
    now he is here visiting again, and something horrible happened.
    he has this ex in his country which seems to be his good friend. he is using her help alot cause he moved to that country not long ago. last time he was here she was calling and i found out that he probably cheated, he told me no and i believed just to stay with him, cause i love him to death and he is my world. we managed to meet again, and it was hard cause very expensive, everything was good.. he kept in contact with ex, but cause she helped him with some papers and a pet.. so i trusted him.. but then now and then id check his emails to see if everything is ok... it seemed to... last few days we talked about our plans and earlier today we sat down and wrote down a long term plan for us to be together, ahead for two years, how and when and how much its gonna cost.. so everything seemed perfect. we both were sick these days, i am better today so i was taking a good care of him.
    i saw him writing emails while trying to hide from me, so just to check if its ok i went to his emails. and i found something horrible. he was telling his ex he loves her and he would run to her if she called. and he regrets he didnt do that before when she was saying the same.
    i dont understand.. i was devastated.. again.. i couldnt believe, and he tells me he loves me, and he comes here spending money and being somewhere he hates.. how could i think any different.
    i had to talk to him about it... i couldnt just let it go.. so i mentioned.. he exploded.. never answered any questions.. he blamed me for spying and all my fault.. without explaining he said we are done.. he yells, even said he doesnt care if i go jump out the window as long as i leave him alone.
    and i never yelled at him, i just wanted to talk.
    i cried all my eyes out.. he is sick.. ive been taking care of him even though he keeps pushing me away.
    i dont know what to do.. we spent 5 years together and had years of the future to do.. he even bought us wedding rings.. i dont get it, i want to fix it..
    please any advice for any words i can find to fix this?
    please dont say to dump him cause its not what im looking for.
    im just so fed up with my life.. i really have no future without him. and if there was an easy way out of my life, i would end it. i really dont care if im dead or alive.. my life sux, always has and will always suck. the only piece of happiness i had was my relationship... but of course im aways the bad one and now he doesnt want me
    id appreciate any psychological help as to how to talk to him to get him back
    thank you
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2007
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Hey corral, welcome to the forum.
    Sorry i can't really tell you waht to do, i know that you shouldnt end it though, if you found happiness with him you can find happiness again. Remember that this wasn't your fault, don't let him tell you otherwise, and if he felt for someone else then perhaps it wasn't meant to be with you too.
    You weren't able to trust him, not in the end, and he was upset about that which shows that there is something you both needed to fix..
    I hope you are able to talk with him about everything..

    Stay strong,
    Ally _%
  3. Jodi

    Jodi Staff Alumni


    Wow, five years is a long time to be with someone and good on you for wanting to make it work out. Long distance relationships are a bit more difficult but never impossible. I wonder if him telling this other girl he loves her was just maybe a safety net for him because maybe to him he is afraid of loosing you and he felt he needed to have something to fall back on. As far as how to talk to him to get him back, I think you need to give him some space for now let him kind of figure things out abit for himself. Be open minded and dont try to push him into making a decision hes not ready to make. He obviously has feelings for you and cares a great deal for you if he was planning on marrying you. Maybe for now you can keep your conversations with him on more of a light topic. Try not to get into too much about how hes feeling and about his emails to this other girl. Let him come to you when hes ready to open up about it. Keep the lines of communication open, you dont want to push him away though eithier. I know it must be so very difficult for you to have found that email and it must have torn your heart up, and Im so bvery sorry for that. Let him know you care and dont be afraid to tell him you love him, just dont hold any expectations for him to respond in a way that you want, let him respond with whats comfortable for him. I dont know if you like to read or not but thier is one book I would suggest to you that I believe would be very helpfull is 'Men are from mars women are from venus" written by Dr. John Grey....it is really an eye opener into how men process things and how their needs are different from ours...in the end if this relationship is meant to be it is going to work out.....give it time and be patient...I hope that might have helped a little....please feel free to PM me or any of are wonderfull staff members if you ever need to talk one on one...I wish you the best of luck ....and remember to take good care of yourself......-Jodi
  4. corral

    corral Guest

    he doesnt want to talk at all. like if i did something horrible
  5. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Well as hard as it probably is to resist trying to get him to talk, the best thing is like Jodi said, just give him some time and space. Whatever is going on in his head, by being demanding right now about it, you're just going to push him farther away, unfortunately. I know it's corny, but I am thinking of an old saying that came out in the 1970's. It said: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." You are young and whatever happens with this situation, I can guarantee that you will meet someone again. That probably doesn't make you feel better right now but it's true. In the meantime you can talk to people here to help you cope and get thru the rough times. I wish you all the best!
  6. corral

    corral Guest

    there were so many times we got together and sorted out problems which made me believe we were meant to be.
    im in shock to see he loves someone else cause for 2 months while he is here he was telling me he loves me and we were making plans. there were arguments but mostly about being here,
    i dont understand his reaction and how he can treat me like that after all weve been through.
    i tried to find words but nothing helps
    i feel like trash
  7. corral

    corral Guest

    and also i feel so damn stupid for telling about us to my family and all other people, telling my mum i will move with him to his country and how happy and serious we are. i dont know how to talk to them anymore, theyd just make fun of me and think what a loser.
  8. I don't think you should dump him. Not at all, unless he's really being abusive or cheating on you, etc. My advice though, is that if you do split from him, try to maintain a friendship with him, don't lose him completely from your life.
  9. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    hun please listen to me.i wanted you to know that i care about you and i dont want to see anything bad hapeen to you .i really dont want to see you die.it would kill me if anything bad happened to you.please dont leave me.

    you can pm me anytime.i dont want to lose you.i dont want to lose my friend
  10. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    You need to get him to tell you his motives. Don't think you did anything wrong, he owes you an explanation. He's telling another girl he loves her and telling you he loves you. Why?
    I've got a relationship very much the same as you, apart from the cheating thing. I'm in love with a girl from America. I desperatly wish I could go over there to see her but I have no money. We help each other out when we're sick as well. I really hope he makes his mind up and sticks with you, and I hope he isnt still in a temper about this. Maybe he is confused about things. The only advice I can give you is to try and get him to talk about it, I know he pushing you away at the moment, just give him a bit of time maybe.
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