if this is everything life can offer then i dont want it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blendersick, Jan 19, 2008.

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  1. blendersick

    blendersick Member

    Ok, so im new here. My name is Monica, I am 15 years old, live in mexico city (which sucks to me like shit and it’s a big part of my problem)

    So here it goes:

    I'm not sure when this started but I have never really liked myself, I just want to die, I have been considering it lately and I don’t doubt I can do it someday, but if I really wanted to die that bad I wouldn’t be asking for help, so I guess I still wanna live.

    I really think I am disgusting, I think everyone hates me (I even made a list of people who hated me and I'm sure they do), most of my friends are men so I cant really talk to anyone; the girls aren’t that close to me so there's not the trust enough to talk about something serious like this. I'm sick and tired of faking and pretending everything is fine when it is getting way worse, I'm tired of being someone I'm not.

    I have depression, I go to therapy but it sucks cause I cant even trust the therapist; I don’t like her, she tells everything to my parents so I don’t think she is reliable. I'm supposed to take meds for that but I hide them instead, I hate the psychiatrist also because shes crazy and she says nonsense like she can see I'm better because of the shine of my eyes (that’s so stupid , they were shinny cause I was crying), in resume, I don’t want my parents help. I HATE THEM, I HATE ALL FAMILY EVEN THOUGH ¨THEYRE TRYING TO HELP ME¨ , I would really kill them even though I get what I want most of the times.

    I'm not sure if I wanna die or if I wanna get better because I feel bad if I don’t feel bad (ironic, I know). I'm so used to crying, cutting, screaming, suffering and barfing all I eat. I always thought that I would accept myself If I lost some weight even though I wasn’t overweight, since I have been barfing all the food I eat I have lost some but I still don’t like it, maybe my brain distorts my image, I don’t really know but ive heard sometimes I'm not ugly but I feel worse than that, maybe I shouldn’t care about looks but that’s what our society is based on and I just wanna feel ok with myself. I also stopped looking in the mirror for a year, I can do it now but still hate it.

    I guess I just need someone to be with, I want someone to talk to me, and internet does that part most of the times but it aint enough anymore. To stop thinking of suicidal thoughts ill take music lessons and go out with friends even though I'm not in the mood, but its better than being home with overprotective parents.

    I also feel jealous of internet friends who say that someone added them and they got in love with them and bla bla bla, its stupid but I just wanna stop feeling this way.

    Thanks for reading this if you did.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Monica. Sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now. You're so young and in so much pain and suffering. I wish I could make it all better. Don't give up hope that things may get better. Keep on going out with your friends and try to enjoy yourself. Life is worth living and it is a precious gift.
  3. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    hi, i hate my parents too. i know theyre trying to help me, thats what makes it so hard to hate them. i completely understand how you feel. i dread looking in the mirror, because no matter how nice i dress myself im still ugly. a couple of months i flipped out and made my room as dark as possible, put tape on the mirror so i couldnt see myself anymore, locked myself in and cried all night. i didnt get any sleep till about 6 hours later. i know how it is to feel like you do. i cry, scream and yell, suffer and punish myself as well. parents want you to magically F******g change but they don realize its not that simple. Ive had to hide mine from my parents because my if i revealed it to them, my parents would most likely end up getting a divorce, making things harder on the younger ones, and i would end up in a mental hospital somewhere. at least your parents are trying to help you and understand that youre sick. i just get called stupid and a moron..etc.. by my dad. point being i know how you feel, so if you ever need to talk, just msn me..^_^
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