If this is the way life is...what if I don't want any part of it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TragicActor, Aug 21, 2015.

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  1. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    You know how you complain about something, and then someone's quick to jump on it and yell at you, "Well that's life!"

    Well, if this is the way life is...what if I don't want any part of it?

    What would happen if I were to just respond to "Well that's life!" with "Well, if that's the way life is, then I should just kill myself now, because I don't want to put up with the way life is."

    Would they switch it all around and try and bullshit me and try and convince me that this clusterfuck they wanted me to accept really has a whole bunch of positive stuff I should stay alive for in an attempt to sweep their recent nastiness under the rug? Or would they try and shame me for not being willing to accept that clusterfuckery that I was just complaining about that they tried to rebut at me was just an automatic part of life?

    Do I have to accept that I married a controlling wife who hates my every action and constantly uses emotional manipulation and abuse, not just manipulating me, but also manipulating our children to try and punish me, and that my only choices now are to let her keep doing it or get divorced (while constantly worrying she may divorce me whether I choose to be divorced or not), all the while seeing plenty of couples who are still on their first marriage and are completely happy with each other and wonder why the fuck I'm not one of them?

    Do I have to accept that now that I've finished my second degree, I have to go out and get a job and spend the majority of my day being bossed around and hounded over by an employer just because I need an income to live? Or even if I can struggle to be self-employed, it'll be clients bossing me around instead of an employer?

    Do I have to accept that God killed his favorite son as a manipulation tactic to get us to "humble ourselves" and "submit to his will" and fuck me around with "trials and tribulations" that are supposed to "give me experience and be for my good?"

    What if I say fuck all of that?

    Am I going to be able to kill myself and avoid all this shit? Or is someone going to try and stop me because my unwillingness to accept all this clusterfuckery is wrong?
  2. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    my sister used to be evil and impossible to get along with, so i can see how if you married someone like that it could really suck

    my sister changed as she became an adult, so she is a nice person now, but i don't think someone who is already an adult with an "impossible" personality is likely to change

    if i were you i would get out of that relationship. divorce isn't good for children but you made an honest mistake marrying this woman, no need to beat yourself up about it, just move on with your life. that's my advice

    edit: okay i read your other thread. i guess this is a little more complicated... or is it? it seems like you may have some issues as well. but i believe that personality disorders are a real thing so you should consider this possibility
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2015
  3. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    Are you implying I have a personality disorder, or she does?

    Either way, that's another reason life is not okay, and I should tell life to go fuck itself.
  4. Azathoth

    Azathoth Member

    Wow, TragicActor, you could have written a good part of my life's story. Please note that I did not say "Well, that's the way life is!" or "I understand how you feel" - that last one always pissed me off to the extreme, since it inevitably came from someone who was having a good life and few problems. Unless you're telepathic, how the hell can you say you know what I feel?

    FWIW, what you said about acceptance of bullshit is real - I've had the same crap hurled at me. "Life isn't so bad!", "It's a permanent response to a temporary problem!" and my all-time psychiatric response "tell me more about that" (what, so you can run out the clock, push me out the door and find some other poor bastard to suck money from?)

    I don't know if any of my experience will help, but here goes: I was married to a controlling, hateful, manipulative bitch like the one you describe. She was happy as long as she got the TV remote (no History Channel for you, we're watching Lifetime!), didn't give a shit about what I did ("Can I have the Reader's Digest condensed version - I'm busy!"), skipped holidays and my birthday constantly (we don't have the money; it's for the (her) kids) and generally made life miserable. She moved out while I was in the hospital (can you say spineless?) and I set about with a divorce. We tried to keep things on a good level but her old anger came back and I was the only one she could vent it on. Without going to far into details, her birthday came up and I didn't have much. I offered the usual restaurants: T-Bones, Applebee's, Outback, general steak-and-seafood ones, just not the five-star ones she wanted. She called up and bitched at me about her childhood, then hung up. Knowing that this was never going to end, I called the attorney and told her to drop the big one. It took a while, but she caved and moved on. I haven't heard from her in months, but sometimes I'm fucking lonely (try waking up in a completely dark room and not knowing where you are - you'll get a night light the next day). It can be pretty disorientating.

    Second degree and need a job? Someone will find a way to make their own day happy by pissing on yours. George Carlin said it best in his monologue "Who owns the country?" where he talks about the people with money who own just about everything: "They don't give a fuck about you. At all. At all. At all." This is true, and I've learned the hard way (ulcer, extreme diabetic hyperglycemia that could have killed me in another week, kidneys that shut down and are barely working now) that Going the Extra Mile won't earn you shit. You may give management some chuckles (Hey, free work! And we didn't even have to ask him!) but it ain't worth a goose's fart in a clap of thunder. Advice there: make an escape plan. I saw too many good people thrown under the bus where the suck-asses and boot-lickers kept on moving ahead. Watched three engineers that I would have killed to keep, driven out the door because they didn't agree to suck up to management, plus showed how bad the rest of the group was. The only person who cares about you in business is you - everyone else is looking out for themselves and wouldn't stop to piss on you if you were on fire (unless senior management was watching).

    Whether this is worth killing yourself is your decision and you don't need some metaphysical figure and the pretzel logic of his followers to decide. You can make things better, but there's a level which you won't be able to go beyond. Is this a good point to decide? Review your life and what it took to get there and choose. I'm not trying to be bitter or sarcastic in that last sentence, but the one who's going to make the choice is you. There will be people who are hurt by your decision; others will raid your office and take whatever they can get.

    >> Am I going to be able to kill myself and avoid all this shit? Or is someone going to try and stop me because my unwillingness to accept all this clusterfuckery is wrong?

    Can you kill yourself? Definitely - you can find just about anything on the net. Avoid all this shit? For what - more shit? If you choose a method and it fails, you're going to be in for a world of hurt. Take it from someone who's been there (not sure if you have or not): psych wards suck more that a Hoover. You'll be there until you can mouth the right words and attitude. Slip once, and it's another month. Get pissed - same. Learn to smile, even if you have to put fishhooks in the corners of your mouth. Is someone going to try and stop you? No, not unless you tell then and they give a shit. You're not alone in your unwillingness to accept this clusterfuckery - just learn to avoid it. Head down, stay off the radar, promise nothing, give something back. At home, find a good attorney. Some work pro bono, others want money ($3K in my case). Start putting money aside. If you go for groceries, take an extra $50 from the register when it asks if you want cash. Put it aside until you have something to give a lawyer. Any relatives with money? My $3K came from my mom.

    Bottom line: lie your ass off, have an escape plan (for both work and marriage) and start making them real. When you get enough, change. Suicide will always be an option, but whether you take it or not is solely up to you, not God, Buddha, Mohamed, The Flying Spaghetti Monster or Cthulhu. What happens after? Does anyone really know?
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