I can't believe it's come to this, only that one part of me still holding on forces me to write this. Going through divorce, was married 15 years and I couldn't go on living a lie or walking on egg shells any longer. It's great to be free of that so called marriage especially when learning the truth. She never loved me at all. I was just a means to an end. I enjoy my new found freedom from this toxic relationship but that freedom may yet be short lived. I have my own faults and can see now just how serious they really are. Social anxiety, panic disorder, unable to even drive to new locations without map questing the direction 5+ times. This condition alone is far to debilitating to even function at all. I'm so out of place in this world, I don't belong here. I have a decent job and been at it for 11 years but what happens if I lose it. I can't even get to new locations for interviews. I'm paralyzed by fear, this divorce, and if I can't get the STBX to agree to a reasonable settlement what's left of my world financially will be destroyed by attorney fees and court costs in a matter of months. I used to be on top of everything financially, my only real strength in this life and now all the assets ROTH IRAs and everything else I worked so damned hard for over the years is being systematically wiped out. Because of this divorce annual income has gone from over $100,000 down to $38,000. Though I can hold the mortgage on my own what good is it when I may be forced to sell through the divorce proceedings anyway. I'm losing everything systematically month by month. Not much time left for me, maybe 3 to 4 months, after that then what choice do I have, it's over, hopelessly lost. I always thought if I lived a short life it would be due to something like cancer, I never foresaw this. All my waking days now are filled by terror, it's like a bad dream you can't wake up from, it just goes on and on. Yet I'm forced to fight on so long as I have the resources to do so, to at least have an answer on why to those I leave behind. Yet I don't even want to go on, I've lost to much, I just don't care anymore. I'm trapped for now, I must to go on for at least a little while longer, either way I'm running out of time.