If This Is To Be My End Then I Will Make It Such An End

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by So Much Destruction, Mar 6, 2014.

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  1. I can't believe it's come to this, only that one part of me still holding on forces me to write this. Going through divorce, was married 15 years and I couldn't go on living a lie or walking on egg shells any longer. It's great to be free of that so called marriage especially when learning the truth. She never loved me at all. I was just a means to an end. I enjoy my new found freedom from this toxic relationship but that freedom may yet be short lived.

    I have my own faults and can see now just how serious they really are. Social anxiety, panic disorder, unable to even drive to new locations without map questing the direction 5+ times. This condition alone is far to debilitating to even function at all. I'm so out of place in this world, I don't belong here. I have a decent job and been at it for 11 years but what happens if I lose it. I can't even get to new locations for interviews. I'm paralyzed by fear, this divorce, and if I can't get the STBX to agree to a reasonable settlement what's left of my world financially will be destroyed by attorney fees and court costs in a matter of months.

    I used to be on top of everything financially, my only real strength in this life and now all the assets ROTH IRAs and everything else I worked so damned hard for over the years is being systematically wiped out. Because of this divorce annual income has gone from over $100,000 down to $38,000. Though I can hold the mortgage on my own what good is it when I may be forced to sell through the divorce proceedings anyway. I'm losing everything systematically month by month. Not much time left for me, maybe 3 to 4 months, after that then what choice do I have, it's over, hopelessly lost. I always thought if I lived a short life it would be due to something like cancer, I never foresaw this. All my waking days now are filled by terror, it's like a bad dream you can't wake up from, it just goes on and on.

    Yet I'm forced to fight on so long as I have the resources to do so, to at least have an answer on why to those I leave behind. Yet I don't even want to go on, I've lost to much, I just don't care anymore. I'm trapped for now, I must to go on for at least a little while longer, either way I'm running out of time.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Many Many have been in your postion and have got through it ok You need to get some help a therapist to help you naviagate through the losses and the pain but it can be done
    You can start over and be free and on a path made just for you right now everything is overwhelming but with guidance you can pull through hugs
     
  3. I tried the therapist route, today in fact, I had an appointment set and everything because I knew how serious my situation has become. Now matters are far worse knowing the truth that I could possibly be this defective. The truth really shows how screwed I actually am. I couldn't even get to the location, had a panic attack while driving because the map coordinates were wrong and I got lost in city traffic. I called 5 times asking to please verify the location mapquest was wrong. Finally after getting a call back from the receptionist she stated that the therapist was held up in court and they had to cancel my appointment anyway. Ok so much for the therapy idea I'm obviously on my own. For those who say just find another therapist, if only it were that simple.

    I should have taken this as a sign, there is no help for me or this condition. No one cares and there are no therapists anywhere near me. To top it all off I'm in a financial war and will easily lose over 10K+ in the next few months. After that then what, I refuse to become some kind of useless burden to the US taxpayer. If I lose this war and all I have left in the months ahead it's over and I must follow through on my plan of last resort, at least that won't fail.
     
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