I last self harmed six days ago. Then I attempted to xxx - I mentioned that in another thread, and I feel like a terrible person and an attention ***** for making a new thread about it, but it is haunting me, and I am afraid I will not get a response if I post in the same one. I keep cutting and pasting this message and wondering where I should put it, as if I ought not say anything at all. I feel like I should just sweep my attempt under the rug and then go on with life. I don't want to go on, I just want to xxx myself over and over again until I get it right. And I HATE that I come online to talk about it - I shouldn't be whining about it to all of you, I should just slink away and DO it, I don't know why I'm telling you about how I feel. I am just wasting people's time! If I'm going to kill myself, why should I come and announce it to you all? I should just commit to it, even if I fail again. You all have crises of your own, and I am selfish asking you to help me, and I am truly sorry. But I am so scared, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, and so I try to find ways to go on. And I don't know what else to do but come here for help. Anyway, I have been rambling. My point was, I have been afraid to cut or xxxx myself since my failed attempt, but I am craving it so much! I don't know why I can't do it, either. I want to xxxx so I don't have to think, but my boyfriend has asked me not to. He hasn't made me feel guilty about it - no, my ex did that to me, and I was always so afraid to self-harm with him because of what he might to do me and to himself. My current boyfriend just seems concerned. I want to hold back for him, but I hate being awake, being conscious, being forced to be inside this body every second and feeling trapped and unable to scream. I could also cut, but for some reason I feel frightened by that idea now. I am afraid to even pick up my razors, and yet I want the pain. I want the pain, the blood, the relief, but I can't do the deed!! I have no idea what to do with myself....do I just give in and choke? Say screw my resolve and my word to my boyfriend and choke myself unconscious? Try to kill myself again? I'm so confused, and I feel literally sick to my stomach at the idea of going to class tomorrow. I'm even afraid to go into the chatroom, where I will have to speak to people, and I feel uncomfortable just listening. I am alone, but I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone! I need to self harm, but I can't! I feel like my mind is tied up but my body is free to move, and has no idea what to do with my useless limbs. I want to shout "someone please, help me!" but I don't want to have to demand any of your attention...there are so many more important things you could be doing than focusing on me. I'm so sorry! This ended up much longer than I intended. I just didn't know what else to do. I'm so sorry. I...I guess that's it.