If you can help me, please do...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Oloriel, Nov 25, 2010.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I last self harmed six days ago. Then I attempted to xxx - I mentioned that in another thread, and I feel like a terrible person and an attention ***** for making a new thread about it, but it is haunting me, and I am afraid I will not get a response if I post in the same one. I keep cutting and pasting this message and wondering where I should put it, as if I ought not say anything at all. I feel like I should just sweep my attempt under the rug and then go on with life. I don't want to go on, I just want to xxx myself over and over again until I get it right. And I HATE that I come online to talk about it - I shouldn't be whining about it to all of you, I should just slink away and DO it, I don't know why I'm telling you about how I feel. I am just wasting people's time! If I'm going to kill myself, why should I come and announce it to you all? I should just commit to it, even if I fail again. You all have crises of your own, and I am selfish asking you to help me, and I am truly sorry. But I am so scared, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, and so I try to find ways to go on. And I don't know what else to do but come here for help.

    Anyway, I have been rambling. My point was, I have been afraid to cut or xxxx myself since my failed attempt, but I am craving it so much! I don't know why I can't do it, either. I want to xxxx so I don't have to think, but my boyfriend has asked me not to. He hasn't made me feel guilty about it - no, my ex did that to me, and I was always so afraid to self-harm with him because of what he might to do me and to himself. My current boyfriend just seems concerned. I want to hold back for him, but I hate being awake, being conscious, being forced to be inside this body every second and feeling trapped and unable to scream. I could also cut, but for some reason I feel frightened by that idea now. I am afraid to even pick up my razors, and yet I want the pain. I want the pain, the blood, the relief, but I can't do the deed!! I have no idea what to do with myself....do I just give in and choke? Say screw my resolve and my word to my boyfriend and choke myself unconscious? Try to kill myself again? I'm so confused, and I feel literally sick to my stomach at the idea of going to class tomorrow. I'm even afraid to go into the chatroom, where I will have to speak to people, and I feel uncomfortable just listening. I am alone, but I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone! I need to self harm, but I can't! I feel like my mind is tied up but my body is free to move, and has no idea what to do with my useless limbs. I want to shout "someone please, help me!" but I don't want to have to demand any of your attention...there are so many more important things you could be doing than focusing on me.

    I'm so sorry! This ended up much longer than I intended. I just didn't know what else to do. I'm so sorry. I...I guess that's it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2010
  2. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi oloriel
    im glad you took the time to post this ive been feeling the same all day but i have self harmed to my shame
    youre not wasting anyones time here you can post anything and your helping someone
    isnt it better to post threads rather than hurt yourself?
    the ache of the blade i read on wildcherrys site for self harm
    you are important i just wish i knew how to help but your not alone keep posting and im here on pm if you wanted to chat?
  3. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thank you. ...I'm not sure what else to say, I just feel like I ought to thank you. >.<
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi oloriel
    I too think you made the exact right decision posting how you feel. It was not too long, if you need to say more, say more. I am in respect of how you are trying so hard to not self harm. I can tell by your words you are trying so hard. Please dont feel that you are taking peoples time here. Because you are worth my time, and the time of others.

    Please know that there are many people here who want you to come here and write your feelings. Its so important to not feel so alone. And I sure do know the feeling of feeling alone. As so so many others here.

    I am glad you are reaching out. Keep doing it. Proud of ya for speaking up.
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    its ok, we are here for you!!!
    yes we have common problems, but that doesnt take away the need for you to be listened to and understood.
    i can asure you that there are many here who are just like you.
    no problem is too small!!!
    take care of yourself and post as much as you feel as it is a type of therapy too, by letting thing be typed it lightens the burden on you.
    we are all here for you through good and bad times. share!!!
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad you are posting...I was also seemingly obsessed with these things because I wanted to rid myself of the shameful and painful parts...I have found that therapy did help me understand this and now I have other strategies to get out what I am feeling...you are not whining and are never a waste of time...please continue to let us know what is going on...big hugs
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Oloriel. Sorry to hear that things are still really hard for you. Don't feel bad for asking for help. That's what this forum is here for and we enjoy helping. I hope that you can find the strength to hold on and resist the urges to cut or attempt. Please don't harm yourself again and please don't give up. :hug:
  8. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone. ...I' m still kind of lost inside myself, and I am scared...but I wanted to let you know that I was listening, and I am still here.
  9. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi oloriel i am glad your still here
    being lost is very scary but as long as you can find something to write here your not lost to the rest of us
    continue listening and writing
    andi xx
  10. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member


    You need to be brave because you are in very dark and scary times. You need to get all the support that you can get. And you need to know that all of us cared very much about you.

    Steven Siew
  11. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Hey Oloriel, i too encourage you to speak out whatever you want, whenever you can. Many people here really want to listen and understand you. Im sorry you find yourself alone in this trough of troughs. I hope you can pull on through but with the realisation that rather than being overcome, you too can gain control and knowing that when this illness speaks, its not you.

  12. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I think a lot of people feel that way.. I do a lot somtimes.. Ive got over a lot of the depression but somtimes it just comes back and we dont know what to do with the feelings and wanting that rush.. Maybe exercise might help.. idk.. everyone needs somthing diffrent.. and Ive wanted to do some stuff and feel the same before, because I didnt want the consequences.. just the rush of feeling alive..

    Idk if I helpped, but maybe think of somthing to get ur blood running, like taking a walk or somthing..
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Oloriel, you are doing great posting, reading and listening. I am glad you are still here. Please keep up the good work coming here. Do you think you might be interested in therapy? No pressure at all, I just thought it might be a good question to ask. So many people here are in therapy. Not all, but many.
  14. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I was in therapy back home - I didn't like it much, but I wonder maybe if I just hadn't found the right doctor yet. I'd like to see a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist for a change - someone who won't just prescribe me meds before talking to me for a full session. I have had counselors too, but they mainly just talked and then referred me to psychiatrists. >.> At the moment, though, since I am abroad I can't see any of my doctors, so I'm a bit stuck.
  15. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Hi sweetie, I am glad you are here to post. I have been very worried about you. :hug:
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Glad to hear that you are okay Oloriel. Keep posting and don't harm yourself. :hug:
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Oloriel, I am glad that you will be trying therapy with a therapist this time. I understand totally what you are saying about psychiatrists. Usually they are all about the meds, and not much about the therapy, for sure. Meds can be very important. But so is therapy for sure.

    Keep posting here though. Because, incase you didnt notice, there are lots of people who care a lot about you ( smiling while writing that):cheekkiss
  18. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    :hug: Thank you everyone, for believing in me. You all help me more than you know. And when I was prepared to carve myself up last night I thought of you - I don't want to let any of you down.
  19. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I want to be able to feel the need to cut and say No, I don't need that anymore. But I'm pathetic, and I know I do. After various diversions all day, I want to slash my skin more than ever, and I am so scared that I won't be able to handle another night without it. My sleep medication doesn't seem to have taken effect yet - I still feel awake and alert, and I took it three hours ago. I have been playing with a lighter and contemplating burning my flesh, and I want to try to hang myself again. Earlier this night I wanted to hang myself and I was actually ready to leave my boyfriend mid-conversation without even so much as a goodbye to do it.

    It's funny. I shyed away from attempting suicide for years because I was afraid of what it meant. What would happen if it didn't work? What would happen if it DID work? I wasn't prepared for it. Then came my first attempt, impulsive, calm, completely unexpected, even by me. Now it's like the floodgates are open, and if I am feeling trapped and terrified, cutting isn't the only option anymore. I could just kill myself. I don't feel that fear of what it means to try to kill yourself anymore - I just want the pain to end. If I weren't so lethargic, and for my promise to my boyfriend, I would attempt a hanging every day until I got it right. Whether I leave a note, or go while listening to my favorite song, or have made sure I'm wearing what I want to be found in...I don't care anymore, as long as I come out of it dead.

    So things are bad. I am afraid. It's as though the sheer will of resisting self harm MAKES me want to self harm, and the more it spirals out of control, the more I just want to end it. I want to scream. I want to cut my wrists and arms and everywhere until there's no blood left in my body, just to feel something that isn't fear so terrifying I can't listen to music or enjoy silence or do work or play games or read or talk with friends without stifling tears. I'm afraid of the light, I'm afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of what happens when I close my eyes, but I'm afraid to open them. I'm so helpless and I HATE it and I hate myself, and I just want to plead with myself - please, please let me cut, let me choke, let me die, let me do SOMETHING that will make this world go away, I can't stand it!

    I want to scream, but people around me will hear it. And when I do scream, no one's there to listen! My body's in chains and my mind is in shreds and I hate myself and Im worthless, and there's NOTHING I can do, what do I DO??? I'm broken and I can't fix myself! Am I even worth fixing? I doubt it. I'm so scared.

    I say the same thing I say every time, when I am curled up crying in the dark. Please, someone help me. But no one is there to hear me, and even if they were, I don't know how I can be helped.
  20. johnnyo

    johnnyo Member

    Hi Oloriel, just wanted to let you know that someone, me, is reading and listening. I'm in a pretty bad place myself today and can identify with a lot of what you are saying...for whatever that is worth. Take care...
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