If you could get cavities from self pity and idiocy my post would rot all your teeth.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AbusedAbuser, Mar 21, 2008.

  1. AbusedAbuser

    AbusedAbuser New Member

    *******
    WARNING
    *******
    The following diatribe is full of self pity and probably really boring. I just haven't had anyone to talk to in a while and I've been getting so upset lately I just needed to vent and so here it is. I apologize if any parts are incoherent I know I rambled a bit. Feel free to not even read it. Really you don't have to. Even now I feel ridiculous just posting it.

    MY ATTEMPT TO JUSTIFY MY ACTIONS (i.e., BULLSHIT)

    The writer describes himself as an individual prone to extremist behaviour. Sometimes the writer will do nothing but laze around unable to bring himself to do anything productive. At others the writer will sit down and write thousands of lines of code for weeks on end. Most of the time the writer is really quite, isolated, off in his own world. Once in a while the writer can be outgoing funny, even charming. The rest of the time the writer is just really mad at something. The writer sees red and wants to run off a cliff, to beat someone up, to have the shit kicked out of him. To just express my rage in some way. Even though the writer goes insanely mad, so full of rage at the world, at something, at nothing, at anything. The writer just sit there fuming so full of hate for everyone and himself the most. The writer might walk around like a dark cloud en route to whatever necessity has forced the writer to leave his fortress of solitude, but he always retreat as early as possible. The writer has been the subject of everyone else's dark cloud and the writer has learned steer clear of them should they occur. When the writer bothered others when they were upset the writer would be the subjected to anger and yelling. Now apparently everyone knows better. Now apparently after all those years of yelling and hitting the writer. Of throwing the writer around like a doll. Now that the writer can not be intimidated. Now it's not in vogue to intimidate people for not leaving you alone when you're upset or any other slight provocation. How !#@$ng crazy is that.


    The writer's parents beat him and yelled at him for years and yet they always taught the writer not to hit the ENEMY. The ENEMY would tease the writer and taunt the writer knowing the writer was impotent to stop the ENEMY. The writer would bite his tongue in frustration. Yet the writer never raised a hand against the ENEMY. The writer would just sit there and take the abuse until the writer broke and yelled at the ENEMY. Sure the writer's reaction was violent but not entirely unprovoked. The ENEMY would run away and the writer would get yelled at in turn. Well we're older, the writer is bigger now and the writer has taken enough self defense to hold his own. Which the writer has proved on enough occasions, the writer is no Bruce Lee but you better know something if you're coming after the writer. No one hits the writer anymore and the writer can yell back as loud as anyone else. No more does anyone inflict terror on the writer. Now when the writer unleashes his rage they cower and the house trembles in sympathy. The thing is I don't want to get in a conflict so I'll avoid it until I can't take it anymore but then I'll go berserk. This is not a regular event for the writer it only comes out under extreme provocation. Which the writer justifies to himself as self defense and is at least the only way the writer has found to achieve temporary quiet (we won't say peace because that's not what it is).


    Regardless of the other's attempts to vilify the writer. They are all subject to as much distemperature as the writer. The others constantly engage in conflict amongst themselves. Word's like divorce, suicide, hate and others less pleasant occur in a regular basis and between any possible configuration.

    So here we go COLD WAR the parent's no longer able to intimidate the writer now give the writer a good berth when the writer is feeling unsociable and the writer returns the favour. The parents pay for school and the writer tries to get through each day.


    GRIEVANCES AGAINST THE ENEMY

    It's ridiculous how the ENEMY can do things to the writer, that that should the writer hint at reciprocating the writer is criticized for.
    For e.g., it has been deemed acceptable for the ENEMY to make unilateral decisions about permissible conversation topics; however, the ENEMY does not hesitate to continually bring up topics that the writer has laid of limits. When the writer tries to solicit some empathy in this regard, the writer is rebuffed and told that said occurrence is in the past and the writer should not hold the past against the ENEMY. The writer resents the fact that the past has always been an acceptable argument when used against the writer. Continuing in the vein when the writer has an issue with the ENEMY the ENEMY immediately ceases any conversation regarding said issue; however, the ENEMY has no compunction regarding talking about issues the ENEMY has with the author.

    For far too long the relationship between the ENEMY and the writer has been entirely dictated by the desires of the ENEMY. They meet on the ENEMY's time, they do what the ENEMY wants to do, they talk about what the ENEMY wants to talk about, they watch what the ENEMY wants to watch.
    For e.g., the writer downloads a new show and informs the ENEMY about the show and wishes to share it with the ENEMY. The ENEMY will refuse to watch the show (wanting to watch something else that could easily be delayed to a later date) and will later request to see what the writer has offered up after the writer has already seen it (this behaviour is repeated regularly any time it occurs).

    The ENEMY has a total lack of respect for the writer's personal space. Perhaps one of the most concrete examples of when the ENEMY has a total lack of regard for the writer's personal space is a more recent conflict where the writer requested (emphatically) to be left alone; however, the ENEMY refused to comply. Getting right into the writer's face when the writer (even more emphatically) requests to be left alone the ENEMY choose to insult the writer in an off handed manner to a nearby pet ("Don't go near the crazy guy"). It's not like I say "Stay away from the crack whore" (another really long but true story but not related to prostitution rather promiscuity [fair is fair an honest account is bad enough]). In fact the ENEMY was on the phone with the lesser ENEMY (which is another story all of its own) when the writer entered the area. The writer did not engage the enemy and ridicule the lesser enemy. Why must the writer suffer these relentless attacks and yet be disparaged for a minor and quick retaliation is beyond the writer. How someone could justify pushing and taunting and insulting someone over yelling at someone (to be left alone) in retaliation boggles and offends the writer.

    Too interested in its own perspective the ENEMY is unable to respect the writer's personal space. This was also evidenced in a previous trip where the ENEMY had offended the writer and the writer indicated a desire to be left alone. Rather than complying the ENEMY would subject the writer to fake affection in a situation where the writer could not repel such unwanted attention (not wanting to cause a scene in front of family). These behaviours included kissing on the cheek, touching, hugging and consistently engaging in conversation. Consider please this situation. I've met a woman and this woman has indicated that she finds me annoying and wishes to be left alone. I then continue to repeat the actions of the ENEMY (i.e., kiss on the cheek, touch, hug and consistently engage in conversation with the woman [a reverse order probably makes more sense but I guess I listed them in order of offensiveness]). There's no doubt that I would be running from some type of authority figure if not under restraint and facing legal repercussions for my actions.

    Since the beginning of the recent conflict with the ENEMY the writer has noticed an increase in unflushed urine emissions by the ENEMY.
    While technically it is a request and thus not something that the ENEMY must conform with. The writer is strongly opposed to finding the bathroom toilet full of urine.
    The write also feels that it's not fair to ask the writer to bend over to lift the seat and place his face within several feet of a pool of someone else's urine.
    The writer has expressed this feeling many times and has received little consideration in this regard. Often being told that the writer is over-reacting and said aberrant behaviour is acceptable to the public at large.

    The writer has paid attention to this subject when mentioned on tv and done a little research. While technically it is considered environmentally friendly to "let it mellow when it's yellow and flush it down when it's brown" the general consensus is that leaving urine standing in the toilet is distasteful and the writer's opinion on the matter does not deviate from the norm (probably only in this matter but at least they finally found something to agree on).

    Part of the writer understands that this is entirely unreasonable. I mean the ENEMY is the writer's sister. Why can't the writer just tolerate her offenses. Apparently the ENEMY is too slow to grasp anything that is of concern to the writer. So the writer should just make unending concessions for when the ENEMY steps on the writer's toes, violates the writer's personal space, harrases the writer, even assaults the writer. After all the writer is a guy I should be able to take whatever abuse the ENEMY dishes out. (The writer must note, that the sexist opinion expressed is not mine but those of the parents whose rule the writer has been subjected to). In the writer's house it's perfectly reasonable for almost anyone to insult the writer or call the writer rude names. Yet when the writer returns the favour (Not even instigates! We're talking a direct retaliation to an insult in the form of an insult) punishment would be summarily and immediately meted out. It's okay for the writer's female parent to hit the writer and call the writer a piece of shit because she's a female and thus not responsible for emotional outburst since she's unable to contain them due to her being female. But the writer MUST control himself at all times.

    MORE RAMBLING AND SELF PITY (AND OMG IN THE FIRST PERSON)

    I always put myself on check when I walk out the door. I'm polite, courteous, I hold doors for people, I'll let anyone walk over me, step in front of me, you want you got it. I may not always wear a smile but I've never hurt anyone that didn't want to hurt me at some point. I never initiate a conflict and I never turn it down either. Living in a big city that's probably a death wish of it's own but it's a risk you kind of learn to relish. I just can't seem to contain myself against those that never felt they had to contain themselves against me when I was the weaker one.


    THANK GOD IT'S OVER

    Go ahead and flame me if you want, I've cared about other people's opinion for so long that I can no longer afford to care what anyone thinks.

    Some easy stuff is grammar, obviously I tried really hard, probably too hard. But I'm a computer engineer (I bet you're so shocked right now) and not an english major so what do you want from me. Go ahead make fun of that I don't care. If that's not good enough for you I'm jewish, if you can call me that not really jewish not really christian just nothing but technically I have the big nose, glasses and everything, I had a bar mitzvah ceremony at a Lubavicth which is an insane orthodox sect of judiasm. But no regular congregation, no jewish friends, no family close by. Just sitting in a sea of christians, muslims, atheists etc.... I am a pot head too that's a serious flaw. I've been on lots of prescription drugs and personally I think the pots a lot less harmful. Go ahead exploit that, only I'm too stoned to care.

    I don't know why I did that. It's probably against the rules to flame so don't flame me if it is. Cause I wouldn't want to encourage anyone to break the rules. I can't recall them myself at the moment so hold yourself responsible to following the rules of the site. Just because I told you to do it doesn't mean you should if it's against the site's policy.

    Fighting my urge to be lazy I looked it up. Yeah, I'm sorry about that but you're not allowed to flame people on the forum. I wouldn't want to cause you to lose your membership. Maybe next time.

    I'm lonely and pathetic obviously I'm just a fool who has to suffer through horrible day after horrible day for no purpose at all until I die from some self inflicted coronary brought on by frustration over the fact square pegs aren't round.

    I'm also really tired I've haven't been getting a lot sleep and it's just been so hectic in school insane in the house. Look I'm making excuses how pathetic is that. Have you ever been so tired you can't fall asleep? Hehe.

    Okay here this one is my favourite sources of personal humiliation. I can't seem to urinate in public bathrooms when other people are there. Or even when I'm in someone's apartment and the bathroom is right next to where people are assembled. If there's like a chance a mouse in the house next door will hear the stream I can't urinate (yes I'm exagerating for effect) . I mean I'll have to urinate in an extreme fashion. To the extent that I'm feeling pain. I'll do anything to avoid this. I'll use bathrooms for handicapped people or located in obscure locations. A couple floors up, in the basement where ever there's a chance to avoid traffic. It doesn't matter if I blast my headphones and try to pretend I'm alone. Once I get spooked that bathroom is effectively useless for me. I have to find a new one. It's ridiculous. Half the time I'm scared to death and half the time I'm trying to scare everyone else away.

    I'm kinda disappointed I thought I could be a little more sorry for myself. Well I'm due for a couple more years of repression but I guess I can try harder next time.

    Truth be told the five hours I wasted on this post have actually helped me to calm down a bit. So much so as I stated above I do feel kind of silly posting it. I guess I always try to hide my weaknesses that it feels weird to be announcing them on the internet which is a public forum. It could probably use some more editing I don't know how coherent it will be to anyone else or why I'm even bothering to post it.

    For the love of G_D though please don't post any poetry LOL.

    Seriously don't post any poetry, if you read the post above you can see that I am seriously deranged and I may put you on the list of people I track down when I go postal ;)

    [Disclaimer: The author is not expressing a sincere attempt at threatening individuals who post poetry, the writer respects an individuals right to express themselves as they feel necessary. Just remember I'll hunt you down.]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2008
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Re: If you could get cavities from self pity and idiocy my post would rot all your te

    Damn, I just read that whole thing, and I could have written parts of it myself. Try and hang in there, eh? :hug:
     
  3. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Re: If you could get cavities from self pity and idiocy my post would rot all your te

    You are very talented in literature writing!
     
  4. lifeisashedog

    lifeisashedog Well-Known Member

    Re: If you could get cavities from self pity and idiocy my post would rot all your te

    I once wrote to one of my enemies a sarcastic funeral speech in shakespearian language (and in rhymes) and posted it on internet. You may try that too.