if you have bipolar, please respond to this.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ripx, Apr 16, 2007.

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  1. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    hello,

    i was just wondering if someone with bipolar can tell me if i might have it.

    firstly, I'm fairly confident i do have it, but i just wanted to get a second opinion instead of just going off if what i just read in wikipedia. pretty much everything on there applies to me perfectly.

    i go through these phases in my life. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm sad, the next I'm numb, and finally I'm happy again, and so on. it used to be that i would go a week of being happy, then id sense that I'm about to fall into a deep depression, and sure enough i do. It lasts for a month or so, then eventually ill accept my life for what it is, and temporally be relieved. after that I'm happy again, as the happiness degrades, this is where the numb stage sets in, just before the deep depression kicks in again. lately this has been all happening not over a month or two, but all in one day. one second I'm happy and willing to go out with my friends, 1 hour later when they call me to get going, suddenly I'm not in the mood to do anything. i cant function anymore because of this, not that Ive really ever been able to function.

    this is pretty much the reason i dropped out of high school a few years back. in grade eleven i began skipping class a bit, but never really let it get to out of control. prior to grade 11 i had never intentionally missed a day of school, looking back, i have no idea how i dealt with it, until now that is. after grade eleven came 12..... the year started off all right i suppose, but as the year progressed, things changed drastically for me - mentally.

    about half way through the year i began smoking weed. this, although an aiding factor in me dropping out, was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. you see, i don't know if its the same for everyone, but for me, marijuana effected me as follows....
    it made me very, very "enlightened" for lack of a better word. i was so happy, i was so smart, i was so aware of everything. i began to observe things in a third person prospective almost. i started to realize how FAKE everyone is. like when you say to someone "how are you" you don't really care how they are, its just a formality. this is why today, i am such a pathetic conversationalist, because i cant bring myself to fake interest in a forced conversation. this never used to be a problem, and although people perceive me as a weirdo when i isolate myself from them, I'm glad I'm like this.

    however, the marijuana began to make me turn things around and take a look at myself. i have always been aware that no sane human being would trade lives with me, but i was always able to shrug my problems off. the weed made me really look deeply into myself, and to see the extent to which my life was undesirable. i began to look at others problems, and i began to see that the things they complain about are absolutely trivial compared to mine. i would ask myself what would they do in my shoes? surely they would have long ago thrown themselves off the nearest building. i would begin to ask "well, why, why is it that these people are permitted to be unhappy when things for me are so much worse?"

    just recently in fact, someone i knew had committed suicide, apparently because he couldn't find any work. we live in Alberta, Canada, the fastest growing economy in north America, and he couldn't deal with his employment issues, or lack there of. if i had to describe myself without my disability, i am definitely not a naturally born whiner. i take after my dad, i have the heart of a lion. but where i don't take after him is physically. heart of a lion, but the body of a snail. i simply cant accept the hand i have been dealt. I (ESPECIALLY ME) don't deserve this.

    so as the school year progressed, i began to become more and more apathetic toward school. of course i wanted a good life, and i knew that education would provide this for me, but i was to depressed to do anything about it. people began to see me as lazy, voicing to me the consequences of dropping out of school, but i didn't care of course. so i spent the next three years doing nothing, trying to think of ways to make a living without having to face the responsibilities of "normal" society, like waking up EVERY DAY and going to work for example. i knew that no matter how badly i wanted to work and have a normal life, i would simply end up quitting because of my unstable emotions. i tried going back to school 3 times, all of which ended in the same manner, i simply didn't care anymore.

    today I'm back in school, and have been so since February. of course it started off fine, although i wasn't a happy person, i managed to slug my way through the first month and a half. over the last few weeks however, Ive begun to fall back into the familiar pattern of slowly self destructing. Ive missed about 30-40 percent of my classes in these last few weeks, this Friday being the last. I'm not sure if ill go tomorrow either, its 1AM and i woke up today at 10PM and don't know if ill have the will to go to school today. i don't know if i can get on that fucking bus and deal with the stairs, and the remarks. Ive tried solving this problem by taking home schooling in the past, but soon realize that it was just a temporary solution, and that i would eventually be forced back into public, as pathetic as that sounds.

    i don't know what to do, my whole life is going to be this way. I'm not ever going to be able to get a steady job, or maintain any sort of responsibility because of my instability. i don't want to fail school simply based on this fact. my grades are very good, i have 75 % average in all my classes. however if you don't attend frequently, they kick you out. the reason they kick you out is because I'm currently receiving grant funding from the school, and they don't want to be wasting the governments money on someone who isn't attending.

    besides, even if the school was across the street, i still wouldnt be able to go. this is why I come off as either lazy, or whiney to people. when they try to explain to me the consequences, i simply tell them i dont care, thus, i am percieved as worthy of a life of poverty on the streets. so am i destend to a life as a bum, or is there another alternative for me? I dont want responsibility, fuck off please! im not happy with my life, so fuck off and leave me be. thank god for Canada, if my parents never came here from Lebanon when i was a baby, i would have surely blown my brains out by now. thank god for welfaire! i think the day i am no longer eligable for any form of government asisstance, is the day i kill myself. sorry, responsibility aint my forte.

    anyways I'm terribly sorry for the length of this post, i just needed to vent i suppose. lets not get too off topic, so ill ask: does this sound like someone with bipolar?
     
  2. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    no one hey? ah well.
     
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Getting someone who is not a doctor to diagnose you is not sensible, neither is self diagnosis.

    If you think you have something wrong with you, then talk to a doctor about it.

    Bi-polar varies greatly from person to person, so you are best off asking someone professional with the necessary qualifications.

    Good luck with it.
     
  4. yeh.

    yeh. Well-Known Member

    i don't like labels, honest, one year you'r a schizophrenic the next you see 'x' reality. madness is confussion of two or more levels of fact.

    However, i relate to feeling shitful at times, specially in the mornings if there were a gun there i wouldn't be here now. like you i'm not a 'natural born' suicidal person which i don't know if its better or don't. I do however i am sick of making people feel sad cause i can't simply get over it, i've taken people into suicidal conversation, suicidal jokes etc. and deep down i know..is just too shitful.

    marijuana for me has had a great impact however.
    1)when i started things changed, like you i was 'ok' etc. and it's somehow of an antidepressant i must say (however it makes you stupid, and lazy honest, specially if you abuse the shit) my anxiety raised through hell and i became a fucking loner, a ''. if you must say. thinking i was fine i guess but anxiety always told me i couldn't do any job etc, and the fact that i had been always shy as hell made me abuse i guess? IDK-

    2)when i dropped it, wonderful at the very first months, anxiety's gone. reality comes to you like a rocket, sexual libido like that of a 15y/o- and THEN...melancholy..like you i started feeling shitless at intervals..and trust me it hasn't finished at all. it has more to do with external things now that MJ (like melancholy), but i don't know. i was never suicidal until i dropped MJ (under a series of rather stupid circunstances)

    So anyways, IF you want a label or not, that's irrelavant IMO
    You live in Canada Alberta, and you say you see people whinging out of nothing (However i've concluded that our feelings are personal-. I live in Mexico City, i've got melancholy and i dont even have an internet connection (so you can see the relatively level of poverty im going through, it has been like this all my life, and the moment i did got a job i had to drop cause of the melancholy- if it wasn't cause of a loved one i wouldn't be here.

    I'd give anything to give to Canada and work as wathever thing as long as it pays the rent and i would give a shit if im melancholical. IT sounds to me you'r going under the 'rebellious' phase of being a teenager (how old are you?) and also you'r smoking too much bud and making you apathethic, it might have triggered ALL that shit, IDK- with time you will find out that without money there's no food in the table. IDK. even if i'm in 'x' state i got to work cause there's no fucking food-
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2007
  5. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    I'm not "rebellious" dude. i have a serious disability, i hate the prospect of having to be rejected by most people my whole life. i believe i have a legitimate case, as weak as i may sound. ill be the first to admit it: that even though i am very physically strong (might be because of my rage) i am weaker than a puppy when it comes to my problems, the thought of stepping outside makes me feel sick to my stomach, Ive wanted to throw up on some occasions. i used to want to fight through the fear and just face the world, step onto buses and ignore the fact that i am a parade, and everyone are my spectators. Unfortunately, like always, i get fed up and quit for awhile, before mustering up enough courage to start over only to be crushed again. But now, those spurts of confidents have ceased completely it seems. i am now apathetic to possibility that i may end up homeless on the streets, however i don't want to ever want that to happen. no matter how much i don't want to end up in a situation where i have nothing, ill take that over facing my fears. the worst part is i know I'm not going to do anything about it because i don't want to, but at the same time i don't want to just die. the reason i don't want to die is because there is still some form of happiness out there for me, smoking pot, playing hockey, playing video games with friends, reading, and so on. going to work, going to school, pretty much anywhere that I'm put into public forcefully makes me want to die because of the permenent stogma in my life.. you see, i don't isolate myself completely from all humans, its just i stay away from strangers. peoples first impressions of me are never a normal meet and greet. for me, when people first see me, they turn to their nearest friends and talk and laugh sometimes. even at times openly insulting me. anyways I'm going to stop this tirade, so if you've read this thank you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2007
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear Ripx,I'm glad you wrote first of all I do suffer bi polar and alot of the thing's you have written ring abell with the symptoms a bi polar person suffers from.but as scum put it I'm no Dr and doubt anyone on here is and it's unfair for any of os to give you a diagnosis.But I'm all here for talking to you about how it is living with Bi Polar.
    I hope you aren't smoking the weed anymore as this will only make thing's more difficult for you,and the most important thing along with not smoking the weed anymore is to see a Dr asap please.It may be that you have Bi Polar given what you're describing but once again I shall say I'm not in a position to diagnose you.
    it is very hard living with the illness as my moods change all the time,One minute I'm all jovial the next I'm down and out and feel suicidal beyond my control.so it is so important to get a diagnosis from a Dr especially if you're having such a hard time of it.A good suggestion wouls be to write thing's down you experience from good to sad moments and how long they last for and show the Dr then it would be easier to discuss thing's perhaps.
    I'm always here to talk to you anyway I hope you can see someone soon,please don't suffer in silence your friend ace(Steve).:smile:
     
  7. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I can't completely focus on this post. But, I've heard the suspicision of marijuana increasing, or sparking, psychosis/mental illness in individuals that have the potential in their genes/environment. I'm not saying it's bad for everyone, but for certain people it is. If your moodswings started before the weed usage, then don't worry about using that too much. Although I've heard using it in vaporizer form is the best way.

    While I am no mental health doctor, for some reason you're "bipolar" seems environment based more than anything. You also seem to have slight schizotypal tendencies (not that that is necessarily a bad thing), which could be linked. If you feel isolated, you're going to feel depressed, human nature.

    Like everyone else in this thread mentioned, you should see a Doctor about these feelings.
     
  8. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    i did a search of skitzotypical, and couldnt find anything. could you please explain what that is, because i really have no idea. Sorry to trouble you man.
     
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