hello, i was just wondering if someone with bipolar can tell me if i might have it. firstly, I'm fairly confident i do have it, but i just wanted to get a second opinion instead of just going off if what i just read in wikipedia. pretty much everything on there applies to me perfectly. i go through these phases in my life. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm sad, the next I'm numb, and finally I'm happy again, and so on. it used to be that i would go a week of being happy, then id sense that I'm about to fall into a deep depression, and sure enough i do. It lasts for a month or so, then eventually ill accept my life for what it is, and temporally be relieved. after that I'm happy again, as the happiness degrades, this is where the numb stage sets in, just before the deep depression kicks in again. lately this has been all happening not over a month or two, but all in one day. one second I'm happy and willing to go out with my friends, 1 hour later when they call me to get going, suddenly I'm not in the mood to do anything. i cant function anymore because of this, not that Ive really ever been able to function. this is pretty much the reason i dropped out of high school a few years back. in grade eleven i began skipping class a bit, but never really let it get to out of control. prior to grade 11 i had never intentionally missed a day of school, looking back, i have no idea how i dealt with it, until now that is. after grade eleven came 12..... the year started off all right i suppose, but as the year progressed, things changed drastically for me - mentally. about half way through the year i began smoking weed. this, although an aiding factor in me dropping out, was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. you see, i don't know if its the same for everyone, but for me, marijuana effected me as follows.... it made me very, very "enlightened" for lack of a better word. i was so happy, i was so smart, i was so aware of everything. i began to observe things in a third person prospective almost. i started to realize how FAKE everyone is. like when you say to someone "how are you" you don't really care how they are, its just a formality. this is why today, i am such a pathetic conversationalist, because i cant bring myself to fake interest in a forced conversation. this never used to be a problem, and although people perceive me as a weirdo when i isolate myself from them, I'm glad I'm like this. however, the marijuana began to make me turn things around and take a look at myself. i have always been aware that no sane human being would trade lives with me, but i was always able to shrug my problems off. the weed made me really look deeply into myself, and to see the extent to which my life was undesirable. i began to look at others problems, and i began to see that the things they complain about are absolutely trivial compared to mine. i would ask myself what would they do in my shoes? surely they would have long ago thrown themselves off the nearest building. i would begin to ask "well, why, why is it that these people are permitted to be unhappy when things for me are so much worse?" just recently in fact, someone i knew had committed suicide, apparently because he couldn't find any work. we live in Alberta, Canada, the fastest growing economy in north America, and he couldn't deal with his employment issues, or lack there of. if i had to describe myself without my disability, i am definitely not a naturally born whiner. i take after my dad, i have the heart of a lion. but where i don't take after him is physically. heart of a lion, but the body of a snail. i simply cant accept the hand i have been dealt. I (ESPECIALLY ME) don't deserve this. so as the school year progressed, i began to become more and more apathetic toward school. of course i wanted a good life, and i knew that education would provide this for me, but i was to depressed to do anything about it. people began to see me as lazy, voicing to me the consequences of dropping out of school, but i didn't care of course. so i spent the next three years doing nothing, trying to think of ways to make a living without having to face the responsibilities of "normal" society, like waking up EVERY DAY and going to work for example. i knew that no matter how badly i wanted to work and have a normal life, i would simply end up quitting because of my unstable emotions. i tried going back to school 3 times, all of which ended in the same manner, i simply didn't care anymore. today I'm back in school, and have been so since February. of course it started off fine, although i wasn't a happy person, i managed to slug my way through the first month and a half. over the last few weeks however, Ive begun to fall back into the familiar pattern of slowly self destructing. Ive missed about 30-40 percent of my classes in these last few weeks, this Friday being the last. I'm not sure if ill go tomorrow either, its 1AM and i woke up today at 10PM and don't know if ill have the will to go to school today. i don't know if i can get on that fucking bus and deal with the stairs, and the remarks. Ive tried solving this problem by taking home schooling in the past, but soon realize that it was just a temporary solution, and that i would eventually be forced back into public, as pathetic as that sounds. i don't know what to do, my whole life is going to be this way. I'm not ever going to be able to get a steady job, or maintain any sort of responsibility because of my instability. i don't want to fail school simply based on this fact. my grades are very good, i have 75 % average in all my classes. however if you don't attend frequently, they kick you out. the reason they kick you out is because I'm currently receiving grant funding from the school, and they don't want to be wasting the governments money on someone who isn't attending. besides, even if the school was across the street, i still wouldnt be able to go. this is why I come off as either lazy, or whiney to people. when they try to explain to me the consequences, i simply tell them i dont care, thus, i am percieved as worthy of a life of poverty on the streets. so am i destend to a life as a bum, or is there another alternative for me? I dont want responsibility, fuck off please! im not happy with my life, so fuck off and leave me be. thank god for Canada, if my parents never came here from Lebanon when i was a baby, i would have surely blown my brains out by now. thank god for welfaire! i think the day i am no longer eligable for any form of government asisstance, is the day i kill myself. sorry, responsibility aint my forte. anyways I'm terribly sorry for the length of this post, i just needed to vent i suppose. lets not get too off topic, so ill ask: does this sound like someone with bipolar?