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If you have, how did you?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by i_am_not_here, Feb 20, 2006.

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  1. If you have, at some point in the past, hated themselves completely and utterly, and managed to pull through and start liking the person in the mirror again... how did you do it? Was there a single incident that made you start liking yourself again, or was it a long process?

    (Sorry if this is the wrong forum, I couldn't quite figure out which it would fit in best.)
  2. gothic_spleen

    gothic_spleen Antiquities Friend

    dude i still look in the mirror and hate myself, hope someone else can give u better advice...sry
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni


    Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate the person looking back,:sad: other times I forgive the person in the mirror and even like/love her!:smile: It depends on what I've been through and how strong I feel at the moment. In the past I hated more than loved myself, but I've been feeling increasingly better for the last several months, partly because of the members here helping me so much,:smile: and partly cause I became a first-time grandma last June and that was quite a thrill!:biggrin:

    It was, on the whole, a long process. I did have some 'road to Damascus' moments that helped nudge me further toward the end of the tunnel, but mostly it took what seemed like a very long time. I had a couple good swift kicks in the 'spiritual butt' that helped move me. One, I was hired to take care of a disabled man who'd been in a wheelchair for the last fifty years.:eek:hmy: The love and support and caring of his devoted family and friends FOR THE LAST FIFTY YEARS made me ashamed of my self-pity, also I became very fond of him. The more I cared for him, the better I felt about myself and my situation. The other thing that helps is that every so often I start to drown in my own tears of self-pity and I take out my well-worn book: FOXE'S BOOK OF MARTYRS. To read of the torture and torment of the early, and even fairly recent, Christian martyrs, and their incredible faith, gives me a boot in the butt to kick me out of my pit of despair. (Note: I'm not preaching or declaring any superior religion - I don't do that. What works for me doesn't work for everyone and people have lots of different names for, and perceptions of, the Creator. Besides, God is too big to fit inside just one religion.)

    I don't mean to be verbose, but this is a near subject to me, as I experience depression and anxiety most every day and I don't always feel good about myself. But I'm doing lots better now than I was, and any progress is good. Keep plugging away, and do what's good for your body and soul. With our support, as well as good professional help, you'll make it.

    love, Sooz:hug:
  4. the_dream

    the_dream Guest

    it takes a long time ive been trying for at least 3 years now and am still ashamed of what i have done

    but i think it is getting better, just have to try and not revert to my old ways
  5. BrokenPieces

    BrokenPieces Well-Known Member

    I have to say, I started liking myself when I finally realized i wasnt gonna change much more...

    it did take along time tho...

    I hope that you will like yourself...i am sure you are a pretty person!

    Love BP
  6. Thank you for your replies, people.

    Just to clarigy, when I said "the person in the mirror" I did not necessarily mean literally, but also metaphorically. Sure it'd be nice to like what I look like, but I also meant liking who you are.

    BP, I am not.
  7. hey :)

    I think it is a long process for a lot of people... For me - the process involves standing up for myself and being stronger - allowing myself to be me rather than what people expect or want. I can't be happy until I am true to myself.... That is the defining moment for me - when I realised that. I still have rough days - but at the moment - my outlook is increasingly positive and I am slowly starting to learn how to be happy again.....

    love you

  8. immure

    immure Account Closed

    i had that sort of a change. it was not that all of asudden i started liking myself it was more i made a concious choice that felt like a awakening to give love a chance. so even to this day anytime hate tries to take hold i just give love a chance & breath in with love out with fear. and i have made it a long long long way from where i was when i had this awakening. but i can t say i feel alot different about myself but i handle it differently for now i give love a chance and it carries me through.
  9. immure

    immure Account Closed

    and whimsical acts of kindness from with in to without.
  10. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    I got rid of all the mirrors =(
  11. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    Dont think we've met...:tongue: I so know what you are talking about... i have found that when i am overwhelmed with self loathing i choose one thing about myself that i either wish i did or would stop doing.... ie if some one wishes they were a better small talker ....... then that person might make an effort to read the news paper daily so that they would have sometning to say or some one wanting to be more actibe could start small by walking up the stairs or doing some walking in place every commercial break. and even though it seems small......... allow yourself to start small and give yourself praise for doing something....... it may sound dumb but it does work at starting to see yourself in a more favorable light...... promise

    something i learned from T is to not allow myself to talk about myself in a negative way.. critiquing is ok ....critism is not

    if i can do anythint to help please PM me
  12. I have no real friends at the moment. There are some people that I associate with, and go to live-music gigs with on Fridays, but I haven't know them for more than a few months so I wouldn't like to cal them "friends" just yet. I am scared that if I let them see what the real me is like that they will run a mile. Sure, I have family, and I'm sure that somewhere they love me, but they have a hard enough time liking the mask that I put on for them, so God only knows what they'd be like with the real me.
    I'm pretty sure nobody else is gonna love me until I actually start liking (if not loving) myself.
    Most, if not all of the metaphorical mirrors I'm talking about are in my own head. They're gonna be hard to get rid of... although I am making headway towards not having mirrors in the house - or at least not using the rooms where there are still mirrors.
    I suppose my biggest problem is a fear that there is something overwhelmingly wrong with me that everyone else can see but I'm blind to. I know it sounds trite, and a lot of people will just tell me to "get over it" (God knows enough people already have told me that), but the problem I focus on (which then drags me down, and my mind wanders to other aspects of "me" with equal detest) is relationships... or lack thereof. Ever. I find that I repeatedly get hooked on one person (not the same person, but one at a time) and all my thoughts revolve around how perfect they are and how depressing it is that they'll never be interested in me. On occasion that person does something to demonstrate just that - they'll tell me how "fucking weird" I am (or similar). On very rare occasions I actually pluck up enough courage beer to tell them (in one way or another) how I feel about them... and it's always the same response... "I don't want a relationship with anyone right now... blah... blah..." and then hook up with someone else 5 mins later. It gives me an overwhelming feeling of not being good enough for anyone, and makes it even harder to bother trying next time. Ok, not so abnormal so far? Now try applying it to the word "ever"? Not once. Nunca. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Might get a bit depressing, huh?

    So what should I do? How can I "start small and give yourself praise for doing something" with respect to that problem? As I see it, there are no "small steps" that I can make. A large portion of my self loathing stems from my perception of other people's perceptions of me... if that makes sense.

    Of course, there are other aspects to my self-loathing, too... but I've ranted for long enough already.
    I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here.
  13. Isa

    Isa Well-Known Member

    my point was i can get rid of everything to remind me of who i am but it didnt work
  14. Kaysha

    Kaysha Antiquitie's Friend

    Hi There!

    When I think about how much I hate myself there are several layers to it..

    First, I hate the real me... the real me that only I know... that noone else sees. If I dropped the "facade" I would know real rejection.

    Second, other people reject me... Other people don't like me so how can I like myself???

    Third, this "me" that other people are rejecting is, supposedly, the "me with the facade on". So, hey - if they reject me when I am trying to put on the best facade I can, how much more would they reject me if they knew me without the facade!!!

    I know the feeling that one's self loathing can largely come from "my perceptions of other people's perceptions of me"... But sometimes I need to remind myself how much room for error there is in that kind of assessment.

    "Other People's Perceptions of Me"... When people see "me", they see "me" through their own view of the world. Who's to say their view on the world is not totally screwed up?? And if they are viewing me through their own wierd glasses, should I be relying on their assessment? Maybe other people's view of me is not accurate...

    Then of course it is "my perceptions" of their perceptions! So not only might their perceptions be screwy, but my perception of what they are thinking might be wrong! And if their perceptions are inaccurate, by the time that "picture" has gone through my "less than ideal" analysis, no wonder I'm not happy with the result!

    But, there is the argument that my perception cannot be wrong - they have rejected me. Its clear! Crystal! BUT THEN..So I am told... My value, my worth does not depend on what other people think. It does not change because there are people out there who do not like me. I am told... I should not be assessing myself by what another person thinks of me. The responsibility of looking in the mirror and making a judgement about me should not be delegated to anyone.

    When looking in the mirror at myself I should not be measuring who I am/my "loveability" by someone else's tape measure. I need to use my own tape measure which takes into account ALL my circumstances, my background, my experiences. And it measures not only how far there is to go to being "the ideal me"... it measures how far I have come. And usually, what may be an "inch" on someone else's tape measure will be a "mile" on mine.

    I still hate myself when I look in the "mirror".. but I am trying to see myself in context so the hate does not consume me.


  15. There is a nail, and you've just hit it on the head.
    Not sure I would agree with that. If people reject me/you/whoever, there is a reason behind it. I can cope with some people not liking me, but consistent rejection kinda points to the reason for the rejection being me. Something about me, perhaps? Of course, no-one is going to be callous enough to actually say what it is... that would be socially unacceptable... it's always going to be "I just don't want a relationship with anyone at the moment.".
    Why not? 'Other people' are the only ones that see me on the outside. I only get to see me on the inside, with all the shit that goes on in there too. I have a fucked up view of myself, but I would seriously doubt that the rest of the world - who seem unamnimous in their reaction to me - have fucked up views of me too. Wouldn't it be just too much of a coincidence.
    I have one of those! My tape measure reads "you really shouldn't be a fuck up - you've had a pretty good life, in general - but you are, so whatchya gonna do?"
  16. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni


    ok lets see starting small.....

    while out every day make it a point to look ppl in the eye and say hello or nice day or i hate the rain (if it is raining) thats all ...... the first step to having a relationship is to be comfortable with ppl and comfortable talking with them .... so start getting comfortable with the first step to meeting ppl which is saying HI

    You say you have some ppl you do socialize with... well canyou make it a point to learn one thing about them and let them lean one thing about you... each time you all go out...

    I think if you look at meeting ppl as just that ... just a meeting ... not looking at each person as a "possible relationship"

    talk to many ppl... not just the ones that you might like in the future...

    this will help make you comfortable ... and for those ppl who say "I just want to be friends" take them up on it..... by being friends you may find out if there is something you are doing wrong ..... if anything...... it could be that what you do wrong is just in the choosing of the person you think you want to be with......

    and what i ment about not talking bad to myself is
    say i do something i think is wrong or stupid
    i do not call myself names ...... i identify the error and make suggestions to myself as to a better way to handle the situation... and I allow myself to
    not be prefect... keep me posted ....... together we will figure things out....
  17. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    For me I have never hated myself for a long time. It tends to come in spells. most of the time, to be honest, I say I hate myself but what I think I really hate is that I was unable to do what I wished I could have. Hope that makes sense.

  18. Learning something about them is the easy part. I don't have a problem talking with people, but it is not me they're talking to. It is the-me-with-a-mask-on, so learning something about me is going to be the hard part. Sure they know some aspects of the real-me, but only really in a professional sense - they know what I do, etc - they don't know who I am. Many of these people that I go to gigs with regularly would probably call themselves my friends. However, I don't feel I could trust them to still be there if they did know the real me.
    Yeah, so I can just ask them "what's wrong with me then?"? You think they'd give an honest answer? I don't. If they can't give an honest answer in the first place ("I just don't want a relationship with anyone right now", being the usual excuse) when they don't know me very well, how likely is it that they'd give an honest answer later on when presumably they'd know me (or at least the me-in-a-mask) better? Ain't gonna happen.
    Yeah, me not being me would be a start. I don't want to be 'perfect' since that is unrealistic. I just want to stop being the fuck-up that I am. I really hope you're right int the "we will figure things out", cos the alternative ain't so pretty.
    It must feel nice to be that way. I have hated on a long-term basis a lot of things about myself. And when I say 'long term' I mean for the past 12 years or so.
  19. Kaysha

    Kaysha Antiquitie's Friend

    Hi Again,

    I was reading another thread and something that Sadeyes put in a post reminded me of what you have said in this thread.

    There have been lots of times where you have mentioned that the friends you have only know "you with the mask on". I can't remember exactly what Sadeyes said (and I apologise if I have interpreted it incorrectly) but it was along the lines that there can be many different aspects of who we are as individuals eg. the me that I see; the me I show to my friends; the me I show to my family - Perhaps we are being too harsh on ourselves when we say we are being "fake". Perhaps who you are is not just the "fuck-up" that you claim to be - but a sum of the different ways you present to the world as well as to yourself. eg. It is your mask, your creation - it is a part of you.

    I can almost hear your possible reply.. "Yep, but they don't like any aspect of me - mask on, off or otherwise". Are you coming to that conclusion from the relationship aspect alone? I think, as "all of me" has suggested, that it is far easier to focus on developing friendships first. I agree that not having a relationship with anyone ever would be hard. But I have concerns about anyone basing their own self worth on whether they are/have been in a "relationship". Given you are feeling so crap about things at the moment, maybe it is a good idea to put the whole "relationship possibility" on hold for now. Take the heat off yourself for a while and just try and enjoy spending time with people as friends..

    I have the feeling that as you are reading this your objections are already forming in your mind... Can you hold off those objections just for a short time? There have been so many different ideas and suggestions put forth on this thread. Maybe its worthwhile re-reading some of them and try and put even one into play - it can't hurt!

    In every post I have read from you (on this thread and others) you seem so much to want to convince us all (and maybe yourself??) that you are a "fuckup" full stop and will always be so. If you want to, can you share why you think you are so fucked up - not including what other people think of you? Also even if your circumstances are worth hating, that doesn't mean you should hate yourself. No matter what has happened in the past, you cannot convince me that your future has already been written. Its not a done deal.

  20. It's a nice idea, that what I am letting them see is actually a part of the real me.
    Have you ever burnt your hand and it really hurts, but none-the-less you decide, "if I stop focussing on this pain, I can get on with other things". And it works. That is until you try to do anything that involves using your hand. Just then, at that exact moment you get a really sharp, more-painful-than-before reminder that you burnt your hand.

    Now to translate that analogy... I go absolutely anywhere and I get a stark reminder that seemingly everyone either has a partner or has had one in the recent/not-so-recent past and has decided that they prefer the single-life for the time being. Short of actually stopping socialising all together (and believe me, that's exactly what happened for several years... and it didn't work), how can I stop this painful reminder of my ineptitude from happening?

    Going back to the idea of developing friendships with people first. Presumably this implies before seeing if they're interested in me in anything other than a 'just good friends' way. I really do love the idea of it. Unfortunately, I have been burnt that way too many times as well. And, you know what? Immediately after the response of something about "staying just good friends" they become quite distant and cold. Result!
    The suggestions I've seen are: realise that I'm not going to change, so I might as well like it; stand up for myself and be stronger; stop trying to be what I think others expect of me and be true to myself; start small and give myself praise for doing small things.
    The reasons I see myself as a "fuck up" are internal. Sure, I could tell you all about it but I'm pretty sure I know what your responses would be. Since you don't want me to include ones that kinda depend on what other people think of me... then the easiest one to convey is the "professional" me. Here's a quick overview:

    I started a new job about 18 months ago - teaching IT. I studied biology at Uni (and only just passed). It's only part-time, which is annoying. After a little while word got around that I "knew about computer systems that aren't Windows"... so I was asked if I would teach the "Operating System Theory" module on one of the IT courses. Hell! I'm not going to pass up the opportunity of more hours (I am paid hourly rather than on a contract). But, you see, I have had absolutely zero training in this. Everything I know about non-Windows computer systems is from a small amount of personal experience. My employers know this. I struggle on but I am so totally scared that I'm gonna "get found out" by higher levels than my employers.

    So, there you have it. One single aspect of my fucked-upness. I know the usual responses... if it was a problem then my employers would never have asked me to teach it in the first place; "I'm sure you're really very good at it", etc, etc. As I said, the problems are internal. I do not see myself as being "good" at it, even moderately so, etc, etc.
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