Whats going on?? We all care about you soo much. You have my number and you can text or call me anytime. If you have MSN you can allways add me there. I care for you so much and hate seeing you in pain like this.
Your very special to all of us and we would hate it if anything happened to you.
Hey sorry about this thread from Monday everyone.Sorry i havent been able to update it till now either.But i probably should have written it in the first place so sorry for the thread...and uhhm......the language.
To make this make more sennse though possibly to people i'll explain what had happened.Those of you in the UK may have heard of Incapacity Benefit.Well im on the long term rate of that cos of my eyesight problems and my mental health.
But they review everyone who gets it occasionally and i have no problem with that - in fact it makes good sense!So they had sent me a review form etc etc and i filled that in and sent it to them.Not a problem.
Then i get sent a letter saying ok we have received the form but now we need more information so please can you come for a medical.They request that occasionally and in essence i dont have a problem with that cos its the procedutre but i had hoped i wouldnt need one cos for other reasons at the moment i find it particuarly hard and scary seeing doctors ecen if it is just so they can write a report on my medical state so the benefits office can decide on the case!
But anyway lol i got used to the idea that i was going to have to do it after the letter came and so stilled myself for the experience.i was nervous but thought id get through it!ANd clearly i did cos im here writing this.
But i was having a difficult day when i went and i really found it very hard.Those of you who know my situation about my overdosing daily on large quantities of medication will know that my story is complex and pretty much odd.So it was understandable to me should she find it odd
Anyway i wasnt managing to explain my circumstances very well.i find it very hard to keep repeating my story to strangers especially cos it is so odd and sensitive.This is compounded further when im having a bad day as communication and answering questions i find a lot harder.Luckily for me i had someone with me and when i struggled to explain she stepped in to do so.But then the doctor turned to me and said 'So how much are you taking dialy'.i paused as i am always hestitant to answer this question cos i worry about the reaction and am scared about what the consequences may be if i give the potential daily dosage range cos of how much im taking.So given i was having a bad day when i eventually mumbled an answerr it was actually infact much lower than what i could have said but the doctors respeonse to me was 'If you say so' and i just without thinking about it said 'Yes i do say so' but she didnt reply and what totally on to a different thing.
Anyway i can see where people are coming from when i first explain my situation or when the y first hear it.Cos id be the first to admit if someone had told me a few years back they were in the situation i am currently i would have thought them lying too.My situation sounds so unrealistic but the fact is its a real situation.i can understand why people may not believe me but that is so so hard for me.It hurts me.Cos its like then not only do i have to deal with this really difficult situation [and i know the situation is my fault] and all thaqt comes with it but i also have to deal with peoples reactions like that.And it wasnt jsut what she said,it was how she said it too and she wouldnt be the first.i find it hard to talk to people especially about taht element of my life and experiences like that make me feel why bother?Why bother opening up,trying to share and expalin something so difficult just to get that?Its like its hard enough to explain,to talk anyway.
So thats what this thread wsas all about.It just really upset me.i was really upset Monday.Maybe i should be able to deal with reactions like that easier these days.Maybe even they shouldnt matter to me.Especially as i know im telling the truth.And if im going to die soon why tell anyone anyway and certainly wehy care what others think?i cant answer that but for some reason i just do.As i say id already told her quite a bit lower than the amounts i had been taking and id just had a really really bad weekend and it really just effected me more and more.im still struggling a lot today.Things are just as bad if not worse than they were for me at the weekend and her comment inparticualr still efffect along with comments previously made by other people too.But her comment seems to specificly effect.It wasnt just what she said it was how she said it too.
But anyway i was writing to say sorry about the thread.Shouldnt have started it,should have been able to deal with it better but i just hurt.....useless,incapable me.And also again uhhm sorry about the language.Probably really shoudldnt have done that no matter how i was/am feeling........