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If you were raped or molested, give me insight

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#1
Let me start with I was never sexually assaulted and that's why I'm here to ask how people feel who have been. I'll try to explain this as best I can. My dad informed me just today (I am 35, he is 60) that he was molested by his grandpa when he was 12. He told me this because my mom had an aneurysm and only has days to live (though they've been divorced since I was 7), and also he was pretty drunk because of Sunday football and you may know how that is. He said he never told this to anyone before - not my mom, not my stepmom (his current wife), not a therapist or anyone.

He told me that he doesn't tell anyone because he doesn't want anyone to look at him with pity. That everyone is responsible for their own lives and getting past their own hardships - the old 'pick yourself up by your bootstraps' way of thinking, for better or worse. I have no problem with this, however, I didn't feel pity for him, I felt a sense of realization. It's as if so many gaps in my timeline were explained and made clear. Things like how he never wants to be in a house by himself overnight. Like how he asked me several times growing up if anyone had ever touched me. Like how he never took me to see my great-grandparents until after his grandpa had passed so I could only see my great-grandma before she passed. Things like how my dad's dad died so young from alcoholism at 38. Things like how my dad's brother's son (his cousin) killed himself at 20. I believe it's safe to assume that they were all molested by this worthless, subhuman waste of carbon that my great-grandpa was.

So to you victims, my question is this: I truly believe that his wife SHOULD KNOW THIS. It would do SO MUCH for their marriage. But he does not want pity, he does not want to be viewed as a victim. He told me not to tell anyone so I won't - don't worry about telling me whether I should tell her or not because I'm not here counting votes. What I want from you survivors is to help me understand. Help me understand why someone would not want anyone to know.

Also, to you survivors, you should know that it is ok to tell people, even if you don't want their pity. As I said earlier, I didn't feel pity, but rather clarity. Like a square peg that never fit in a round hole until now. Anyone who truly loves you, IT'S OKAY TO TELL THEM. You don't have to if you don't want to, it's your choice and your life, but if you are on the fence about telling your partner/parents/siblings/kids/WHOEVER, then, as someone on this side of the fence, I can tell you that it's okay to tell us non-survivors. We can't relate to your pain, but as I said, it can help fill in SO MANY GAPS in your lifestyle patterns that people just don't understand.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#2
Why should I have to tell my story so they will understand me? Why do they need to understand why I react in certain ways if I dont want them to? I dont owe anyone an explanation. It's much more complex than the pity. It's the shame. Guilt. Doubt. Humiliation. And fear of judgment. Its sorrow. Its anger. Why haven't I told my family? Because they will never understand, even if I do. And I dont feel I owe anyone an explanation for past trauma that may or may not dictate my actions, decisions and words today.

The only reason I ever told someone was for release. Solace. And in a way, to actualize, to remind myself it happened. And... maybe I trusted the predictability of this particular persons response.

I don't think anyone needs to know, including loved ones, unless you want them to. Also yes, The words survivor and victim bugs me. For all the obvious reasons.
 

MyCatWillMissMe

Well-Known Member
#3
Thanks for the insight. That sounds a lot like my dad. Apologies for the word usage, I just don't want to offend anybody. I would never say people SHOULD share it, I am just trying to learn. The key was for people who "truly love you" as obviously some people are judgmental. My dad said it took until he was about 40 before he didn't blame himself anymore.

One other concern I had that I forgot to mention was that my dad's uncle probably doesn't know to this day why his son killed himself. Maybe he has blamed himself all these years. At this point he is 80 and it's probably not worth the pain it would cause, but I really feel like he was denied closure for his son's suicide that could have been explained. I won't tell him because it's not my place. It's just really sad that he's had to live 40 years not knowing why his son committed suicide. There was no letter or anything. This is a bit off-topic I suppose.

Where do we draw the line on keeping secrets that seem so important but could also destroy someone?
 
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#4
My dad informed me just today (I am 35, he is 60) that he was molested by his grandpa when he was 12. He told me this because my mom had an aneurysm and only has days to live (though they've been divorced since I was 7), and also he was pretty drunk because of Sunday football and you may know how that is. He said he never told this to anyone before - not my mom, not my stepmom (his current wife), not a therapist or anyone.
Sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.

Especially since your mom only has days to live, I wonder if family therapy might be something that would help, as long as you, your dad, and your mom would be willing to participate in that.

Even if your dad is not ready to talk about the abuse in his past, some sort of effort to be reconciled to your mother's imminent passing may be worthwhile.

Wishing you good things.
 
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#5
I think I relate to your father, not that what I experienced was nearly as horrible as he had. I just mean I hate others' pity as well. Always have.

That is to say, I wouldn't ever tell anyone who knows me I was taken advantage of because, in the end, there are almost no lines between victim and aggressor. For me, the rape and abuse became a shameful event both of us were a part of. Sure, he made it happen, but it came down to the fact I was ruined, and so forever marked in a sense. The worst would be if people were to look at me also knowing I bear that mark.

I'm probably not expressing myself clearly...but my point is perhaps the real reason is pride. So, for those who treasure their dignity or reputation, it might be easier if no one were to find out. At least, that would be what we think is right for us. I don't know. It's midnight, and it isn't making any more sense in my head.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#6
I think I relate to your father, not that what I experienced was nearly as horrible as he had. I just mean I hate others' pity as well. Always have.

That is to say, I wouldn't ever tell anyone who knows me I was taken advantage of because, in the end, there are almost no lines between victim and aggressor. For me, the rape and abuse became a shameful event both of us were a part of. Sure, he made it happen, but it came down to the fact I was ruined, and so forever marked in a sense. The worst would be if people were to look at me also knowing I bear that mark.

I'm probably not expressing myself clearly...but my point is perhaps the real reason is pride. So, for those who treasure their dignity or reputation, it might be easier if no one were to find out. At least, that would be what we think is right for us. I don't know. It's midnight, and it isn't making any more sense in my head.
That is one I can understand, and you are expressing yourself just fine. I was molested by an older cousin when I was young. I have shared such here, but no place else. I felt the same as you tell here.
 

truthhurts

Well-Known Member
#7
Hi, I know this is a very late addition here but I hope you're doing okay.
As someone who's been through trauma as a young adult, I really can't imagine ever telling my parents. I don't have any children, though (I'm currently 27), so I have no experience with that, but I have told my partners from quite early on. For one reason because it's useful as I can get kinda messed up with some things, especially when living together (some triggers are more obvious, some less so), and also because having someone who (at least somewhat) understands helps me a lot with healing. Hearing of someone never telling a romantic partner quite cuts through my core, as they could get support and empathy if they did. But of course, I also understand not wanting to get into things like this, as digging these things up can be really painful (and retraumatizing). And I really, really can't ever see myself telling my parents. Ever. Not willingly anyway. As I really don't want to have to dig through this stuff with them. Especially as I already hurt them so much with a past suicide attempt (in high school). Things have been different since, and I really don't want to go through something like that again.
Sorry, I don't know if this helps at all, or if it's still needed, but I can understand the fear/apprehension of telling a specific someone, even if it feels okay to tell some others. If that makes sense.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#8
I was assaulted and I've only really told a handful of people. I was told I "deserved it," and that I "should get over it."

I did not experience anything like your father, but it is very hard to tell people. And it's OK if the person who was raped or assaulted decides not to speak. Sometimes the only control we have over the situation is who we decide to confide in. I'm not saying not talking is healthy, but the words are so hard to get out. 25 years later and I still struggle. It's tough.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#9
Interesting question. I am a woman that was assaulted late in life. A different scenario from your father. I feel your father’s abuse is more traumatic than my abuse. Having said that, I did tell people. The reactions were “well that happens to all women “ to “maybe you misunderstood” to “ I am sorry.” What did I expect or want? I really wanted the predator and people that set me up punished. But that will never happen. I also told a therapist and all she did was look eager to hear details and listened. Said the proverbial statement “It was not your fault”. I know it was not my fault. Th trauma is the loss of “trust in anything”. The constant fear of victimization. And telling family and friends about the abuse will not make me feel safer in this predatory world. So I do not want to tell or talk about it. Hope this provides some clarity.
 

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