Let me start with I was never sexually assaulted and that's why I'm here to ask how people feel who have been. I'll try to explain this as best I can. My dad informed me just today (I am 35, he is 60) that he was molested by his grandpa when he was 12. He told me this because my mom had an aneurysm and only has days to live (though they've been divorced since I was 7), and also he was pretty drunk because of Sunday football and you may know how that is. He said he never told this to anyone before - not my mom, not my stepmom (his current wife), not a therapist or anyone.
He told me that he doesn't tell anyone because he doesn't want anyone to look at him with pity. That everyone is responsible for their own lives and getting past their own hardships - the old 'pick yourself up by your bootstraps' way of thinking, for better or worse. I have no problem with this, however, I didn't feel pity for him, I felt a sense of realization. It's as if so many gaps in my timeline were explained and made clear. Things like how he never wants to be in a house by himself overnight. Like how he asked me several times growing up if anyone had ever touched me. Like how he never took me to see my great-grandparents until after his grandpa had passed so I could only see my great-grandma before she passed. Things like how my dad's dad died so young from alcoholism at 38. Things like how my dad's brother's son (his cousin) killed himself at 20. I believe it's safe to assume that they were all molested by this worthless, subhuman waste of carbon that my great-grandpa was.
So to you victims, my question is this: I truly believe that his wife SHOULD KNOW THIS. It would do SO MUCH for their marriage. But he does not want pity, he does not want to be viewed as a victim. He told me not to tell anyone so I won't - don't worry about telling me whether I should tell her or not because I'm not here counting votes. What I want from you survivors is to help me understand. Help me understand why someone would not want anyone to know.
Also, to you survivors, you should know that it is ok to tell people, even if you don't want their pity. As I said earlier, I didn't feel pity, but rather clarity. Like a square peg that never fit in a round hole until now. Anyone who truly loves you, IT'S OKAY TO TELL THEM. You don't have to if you don't want to, it's your choice and your life, but if you are on the fence about telling your partner/parents/siblings/kids/WHOEVER, then, as someone on this side of the fence, I can tell you that it's okay to tell us non-survivors. We can't relate to your pain, but as I said, it can help fill in SO MANY GAPS in your lifestyle patterns that people just don't understand.
He told me that he doesn't tell anyone because he doesn't want anyone to look at him with pity. That everyone is responsible for their own lives and getting past their own hardships - the old 'pick yourself up by your bootstraps' way of thinking, for better or worse. I have no problem with this, however, I didn't feel pity for him, I felt a sense of realization. It's as if so many gaps in my timeline were explained and made clear. Things like how he never wants to be in a house by himself overnight. Like how he asked me several times growing up if anyone had ever touched me. Like how he never took me to see my great-grandparents until after his grandpa had passed so I could only see my great-grandma before she passed. Things like how my dad's dad died so young from alcoholism at 38. Things like how my dad's brother's son (his cousin) killed himself at 20. I believe it's safe to assume that they were all molested by this worthless, subhuman waste of carbon that my great-grandpa was.
So to you victims, my question is this: I truly believe that his wife SHOULD KNOW THIS. It would do SO MUCH for their marriage. But he does not want pity, he does not want to be viewed as a victim. He told me not to tell anyone so I won't - don't worry about telling me whether I should tell her or not because I'm not here counting votes. What I want from you survivors is to help me understand. Help me understand why someone would not want anyone to know.
Also, to you survivors, you should know that it is ok to tell people, even if you don't want their pity. As I said earlier, I didn't feel pity, but rather clarity. Like a square peg that never fit in a round hole until now. Anyone who truly loves you, IT'S OKAY TO TELL THEM. You don't have to if you don't want to, it's your choice and your life, but if you are on the fence about telling your partner/parents/siblings/kids/WHOEVER, then, as someone on this side of the fence, I can tell you that it's okay to tell us non-survivors. We can't relate to your pain, but as I said, it can help fill in SO MANY GAPS in your lifestyle patterns that people just don't understand.