if your spouse of 30 years died 2 months ago would you get someone else?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TooShyToScream, May 30, 2011.

  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    It sickens me, really.

    His wife died very recently of cancer and my soon to be father in law has another woman over his house already. Not that it would ever really be okay, especially since he told her when she was still alive he wouldn't do anything like that...but 2 months it's been and he brings her to what used to be their home together. That's insulting. I don't know how someone can do that. My poor fiance has to deal with it all.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know I couldn't do it, I can't imagine getting past all the hurt in 2 months. I don't see a problem with someone moving on eventually, but that seems pretty quick.
  3. ~Shiori~

    ~Shiori~ Account Closed

    I think it depends... being a spouse doesnt neccessarily mean in love. Some people may have started in love and only stayed married as to benefit the children. After 30 years I could only hope it was for love, but then again, maybe this is his breakdown. Maybe the new woman is his way of rebounding?
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, my problem with it is, if you could get someone else, and it doesn't matter how quickly you do it, you never really loved the person. And on top of that, lie to them like that right before they die. If my fiance died, I would die too because there couldn't ever be anyone else
  5. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Hi :) do you know that this isnt just a friend checking to see how he is? Everyone copes with loss diferently he could be looking for comfort in the wrong place alternatively he could just be a rat and jumped at the oportunity anyway im sorry that you lost your mother in law xx
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Nothing is good enough of an excuse for it.
  7. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    She didn't deserve any of what she got in life. He cheated on her 12 years ago, and then she gets cancer and he goes and gets someone else again. It makes life seem so unfair and meaningless. And yeah, he talked to my fiance about her calling her his girlfriend.
  8. viapoetry

    viapoetry Member

    I think it's unfair to be so upset with him, in a way. The promise to never see anyone after his spouse is dead was not a good one - I don't think anyone should ever ask that of their significant other. If he can be happy after losing his spouse to cancer, why not? Saying he never loved her is a harsh statement: you should base that on how he acted when she was alive. Did he treat her poorly then, or give any indication that he didn't appreciate her?

    Maybe he did when he cheat on her 12 years ago, but they stayed together for another eighteen after that.
  9. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Actually, I remember overhearing a conversation of theirs once where she said "I'd understand if you got someone after I died" and he said "I never would; you're the only one I could ever want". So she didn't ask anything of him. He said it himself and then went and did the opposite. Who cares how long ago he cheated and whether or not they stayed together? He cheated. You can't love someone and cheat on them just like you can't love someone and then be with someone else when they die. It's not a harsh statement at all. She was a wonderful person. He wasn't and still isn't.
  10. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    my aunt died of cancer and my uncle got remarried and found someone new. my aunt didn't want him to stay alone forever, but his new marriage will never change how he felt about my aunt. he still loves her, and he always will. and he loves his new wife. he was my uncle by marriage and he still comes around and everyone welcomes his new wife into the family.

    2 months does seem fast, but imagine losing someone whether it be to cancer or something else, having someone around might help lessen the pain. it might be a rebound also, there is no real way of telling at the moment.

    I guess in summary...a new relationship will never change how someone feels for someone once they have passed. that pain will never go away, just lessen over time and the love for the lost spouse will never go away. but living in the past and never trying to move on will never bring them back.
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    The cheating was one thing - staying alone (or not) after her death is another. The issues are not really related.

    Most people would be hurt by their partner cheating. Some people stay and work through that and remain "in love" or rebuild their love and relationship. Others split up.

    Everyone is an outsider to anyone else's marriage relationship and to make judgments is to assume that we know another's heart, mind, motivations - even when it's nothing to do with us. SHE saw fit to stay with him - either forgiving him and loving him anyway, or just suffering with him - I can't say. But they stayed together for years after he cheated.

    As for his "promise" - he didn't "promise". You said that he told her 'You're the only one I could ever want.'" What was he supposed to say to his dying wife? "Can't wait til you're gone!"? I don't think so. Maybe he meant it when he said it - he couldn't foresee that there could ever be someone else. Lots of married people can't imagine that they would ever find someone else if their spouse died. But most spouses don't want to doom their partners to loneliness and wouldn't expect them to stay alone. Love looks to the well-being of the other, not of the self.

    I agree with you that a couple of months seems quick, but I wasn't in THEIR marriage and I'm not in HIS shoes now. Some people feel a real need to have "someone, anyone" there for them and they move on as fast as possible to fill the gap. And it could be the "rebound" thing mentioned by someone before my post.

    I'm sure it's upsetting for your fiance. Hashing over the past cheating incident and pointing out how wrong his dad is now isn't going to help anyone, imo. Perhaps your best bet is simply to listen and be supportive when your fiance talks about things because right now he is grieving the loss of his mother. I imagine he'll appreciate it if he doesn't have to feel that his dad's a being a big dimwit cheater into the bargain.

    My 2 cents.
  12. C.G.

    C.G. Active Member

    People have different ways of coping. Perhaps he can't stand loneliness after a loss?
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    She would have wanted him to move on if he could find happiness with someone else she loved him and would not want him to be alone
  14. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I guess I just have a different view of love than all you people. Saying "oh, well, he just doesn't want to be alone" is nothing more than an excuse that one makes in order to delude themselves into not feeling guilty or bad about what they're doing when they damn well should. Just because you can't live with the guilt and pain that you deserve to feel, you make it out to be okay. Selfish move.
  15. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    As for being in his shoes, like I said, I'd just die. It's a lot more noble than bed-hopping.
  16. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    In reply to the OP I'd say it really depends on how you feel not what society says you should feel, do it if you feel ready, life's too short!!!
  17. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I fail to see what right we have to try to control other peoples emotions, love just happens.
    If your fiance had lost a previous partner but fell head over heels with you, should you not have got together then?
    Love is random, simple really. It is timeless.
    By judging others in this way, really we seek to control them.
  18. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    My fiance claims never to have truly loved anyone until he met me. My father in law claims still that he loved/loves his previous partner. Well, love only happens once in your lifetime. That's my belief. And IF she's the one he loved and she's now dead, either stay alone or die. Or admit that you never loved her. But saying you do and sleeping with someone else is wrong.
  19. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    cheating is wrong in my books. but your opinions about love and what it entails are YOUR opinions. i don't think anyone would be in a position to judge what he has done now his wife has sadly died. you might not do that, and i might not do that, but it doesn't mean he isn't entitled to do as he now wishes and i don't believe he should be judged for that
  20. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Everyone always gets judged. It's how life is. Saying you can't judge someone for something is hypocritical because we all do it, and we all get it done to us.