I was asking myself these questions a few days ago: If there is hell and suiciders go to hell, I'll have a very good company there, if there is reincarnation and I am to be reborn as an animal there's a good chance it will be much better experience then being a human, and if I come back as a human it can't be much worse then this, if there is nothing after death, what more could I ask for?, if what I beleive in is true and I do get to see where the infinity ends, what a joy!, why am I waiting? So, I keep telling myself that the ONLY reason I am alive are my children. But, I wonder sometimes what will happen IF I get to see my grandchildren, will they be my 'excuse' to go on living after my kids don't live with me any more? It's as if I'm finding reasons to justify my own existence to myself, as if deep down I'm not all that convinced that it is ok to commit suicide. My mother's catholicism may have more influence on me then I thought. Or, it may be just the basic instinct of survival - staying alive, that struggles somewhere in me with my wish to see where the infinity ends. Now, I really don't want that the people who feel suicidal right now take this the wrong way, but I think that all of us who wish to die actually cry for help, because we don't have anybody else to ask for help. I know that in those darkest moments I feel as if nobody can help me, I feel that NO person could do or say anything to convince me to continue living, but those moments, hours, even 2 weeks it lasted once, pass. The dilema is still here, in my mind, I'm not sure what I would prefer, what I would do if I didn't have the kids. I'm just trying to say that we have to be ABSOLUTELY sure we want to do it, before it's too late. Somebody posted (I am sorry, can't rememeber the name now) what a horrifying moment it is when he almost commited suicide and realized at the last second he didn't actually want to do it. I think he was lucky indeed.