Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Jun 9, 2010.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If my doctor had told me, even a week ago, that I had "x" amount of time left to live, I think I would of went nuts. Yet my own, for lack of a better word, deadline, is well underway and I feel nothing. No panic, dread, denial, fear, need to finish any list, obligations.... nothing. Is that so terribly wrong?
  2. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    Hmmm what do you mean when you say 'your own deadline'?


    Think I know what you mean.
    Perhaps you do not feel those emotions because having your own deadline means that you are in control? Instead of being given a deadline that is far beyond your control. I don't think it is wrong that you don't feel the emotions you listed, infact it seems natural, I think a lot of those emotions can be caused by a lack of control.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Those "deadlines" are not always true, even coming from doctors. My grandmother lived for nearly a decade past her "due date"

    I hope you choose to call this off. :sad:
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    it's a well known fact that when we have our date set that a kind of peace and acceptance sets in....
    I believe since we are the only ones who know the date that it can be postponed as many times as we want......
    there is no rule that says we have to follow through on that exact date..
    so please postpone yours C.....:missyou: :hug:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Carla,
    You don't have to meet that deadline.. You aren't alone.. You know that we all love you...Why not focus that energy into something positive..We want you to stay with us..You offer so much to the people here, I wish you could turn some of that love back on yourself..
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i agree when one has accepted the deadline one gets a calm a sense of peace knowing the struggles will end soon. so we set a deadline for our peace to start knowing that on that deadline someone else hell will begin. I have my deadline set and each time god i can't do it not to them they don't deserve the pain i am in i cannot pass it on. Yet i have another deadline each time hoping and praying peace will come. Ihope when your deadline comes you can truly know and accept the fact that the peace you will obtain will be at the cost of others suffering. sorry carla i know how deeply you are hurting i am there with you and someday god willing our pain will be gone god willing i just don't want your family your littles ones to suffer not like this this is too hard.
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    maybe that deadline was made for you ease the pain like Ed said- about having control over your life when you've been suffering the way you have and you have no control over anything.

    you have no idea how much i think about you, and if you're still alive- although i don't know you well, i've read what you've gone through, and to KNOW your reaction if your doc said you have X amount of time to live says a lot, because- death, the depths of pain you've endured and you've survived- means- life your wanting to live, is still there- and that can be the hardest thing to have.
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    "your wanting to live, is still there- and that can be the hardest thing to have."

    yeah. but i dont even want that for myself anymore. its more for my children. and lately god forgive me for even saying it, it isnt enough.

    ive posted here too many times before. people are tired of listening and replying and i never change. but in my defence circumstances just wont let me and in my defence the previous attempts failed not from my error. unforseen events or circumstances. well they say a person learns from their mistakes. i have and this time i've learned to include those that have been the reason for my failures. this time no failure. ive got medical knowledge to back the findings and sure as shit the other factor will be called in and unknowingly aid me in this. and even knowing this i feel nothing. just a tinge of impatience knowing i have to wait. that's the hardest part. not feeling, easy. breathing little harder. waiting almost impossible because i really dont care.

    people here often question why someone who is going to suicide bothers to post and doesnt just do it. well i dont know about others but i have some time on my hands. so i fill it by posting here. trying to let out the feelings that others in RL just cant understand. with this post, i'm beyond being helped. i know i've been here many times before. so i post to try and stick it out a little longer and the need to have even one other person know what i'm facing just needs to be quieted so that i can hang on til the deadline. knowing i'm going to have to be alone with yet another huge act in my life terrifies me. so i post to try and stop the fear of loneliness. to kind of hold it off til i dont have to anymore.

    so sorry if i come off as another drama queen. as inguenuine. i dont really care anymore what anyone else wants to think or believe. it isnt in me anymore to give a f*ck about nothing. i have one purpose and that's to try as hard as i can to hold out til it's time. my apologizes to those that waste their time reading my shit. but for once i can honestly say i'm doing something for me.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i understand. let out all you need. and you're not talking shit. i empathise with you so much.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean C....and I believe you are genuine in your SI and I don't want you to go through with it...
    so you keep posting as long as you want cos that way there is still hope.
    selfish I know but I /we need you here and so do your children.....
    I hate that I have to hold on for my family also...it doesn't seem fair..
    I wish you could find a reason to go on.....:hug: :flowers:
  11. Tara

    Tara Member

    Dont. Just dont do this. I know part of the reason and you dont see that it was a misunderstanding. If you wont listen to me then listen to your friends here. But dont. You're too special a person to give up. I love you so stop and find help hun.
  12. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Its not terribly wrong...you have the control with suicide but if your dr. told you that you were going to die you would have no control and panic...
    Please stay with us :hug:
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Empty words to fall on empty ears. Love!!!!!! It only serves to hurt others. To hurt ME!!!! Help? I've tried everything for over 10 years now. Professionals, family,friends and God. No one understands. And when they cant, they leave. Or like others (hmmmm) they get tired of me. Because of my insecurities they say things to hurt me. Push me away. I dont leave or give up on those I love. But they always inevitably slip away and leave me for dead. Out of sight out of mind. But it doesnt work that way for me. I cant just walk away and forget.

    If you really love me you'd understand the sheer Hell right now. I dont know who or what I am any longer. I dont belong anywhere anymore. I'm nothing. I'm more than lost. And this time, I dont want to be found. I need to do this. Screw how this is going to make the world better for everyone else, it will make the world a better place for me cuz I wont have to deal with or hurt because of it anymore.
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It feels like my head is going to explode. It just keeps filling more and more with all the negative and hurtful things that have happened recently. There isnt an inch more of room left and yet they keep coming. I'm losing it. I cant stop them. Just keeps making the urges look more right and better every damn second. Stay safe? From what? Myself? I'm all I've got at the moment. And I dont want saving. I want f*cking peace from it all.
  15. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Isolation I know. It helps me find the courage to keep feeding all the thoughts and feelings that keep me in a negative place. My insurance. And I dont have to worry about bothering others. I never feel like I deserve help. Never had. Always enforced that I dont count so dont waste others time. So dont ask for it. Beyond help. Just need someplace to not be alone right now. Or the thoughts take over too fast. And that means chances at failure. Cant have that. Everything is or has failed and I dont want that this time. I CANT have that this time. Sorry thoughts are all over the place.
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I never feel like I deserve help.
    You do deserve help C as much as any one else does...you are always helping others and now you need help keep reaching out..
    you are not a bother to others and def not a bother to me.....
    I'm being selfish here cos I want you stay...even though I understand your pain.
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No I dont. Wont change anything. I'm lost. I'm done. Besides no turning back now. Too many will benefit from it. I'm nothing in a world were that just isnt acceptable. I dont mind being nothing. My thoughts dont lie. They never seem to stop or be too far away. They reassure me that I want this. I need this. And I listen carefully cuz they are here, real, and all I've really got to trust in right now.
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i will always want you to go on because you are one of the few that understands and that cares abt people like me i do want to loose another person i hope you stay strong i know it is hard we are all there but i do hope you stay with us longer
  19. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm stupid, ignorant and impossible to get along with or talk to. And I'm not their problem anymore. I tried. But she just ripped me a new one. When I said try walking in my shoes with only half of what I'm up against. She said, not her fault. I asked how she would feel, deal with people if she were where I was. She said I'm ignorant and hard to talk to and deal with. I said I have a total of $48 in my bank account. She said not her problem. Then got after me for money I was getting, acquising me of hiding it. I reminded her that I report it every month and that she told me not to. Now according to her I'm hiding it. I asked her what do I do? She said not her problem or responsibility. No breaks no matter which way I turn.

    I'm tired of trying to be a nice person. A generous person. Playing by everyones rules. And always being the bad guy in the end. I didnt need that or deserve that today. But what the Hell difference does that make. It always happens that way. And always will. I've been fighting so hard to hold on til the date and time is right. Fuck it. I'm just a horrible ignorant person. Waste of time and space. The world needs far fewer people like me and my ilk around. The agencies, family, here, everywhere. So let me be helpful one last time and remove myself from the picture. I"m crushed. Hurt. And so fucking alone. Perfect mood and setting. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!
  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Why couldnt they just leave me alone? They already did enough to hurt me. I said I cant take it anymore. But still push. Why? I give up. Was going to be out of your hair in a few weeks. But push and push. You dont get paid to like me, just to try and help me. Fuck it this is it with all the shit I cant even breath without pissing someone off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of pissing people off by trying to do what they tell me. I wont be pissing anyone off any longer. One push too many.
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