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Ignorance Isn't Bliss; Invisibility is a Terrible Superpower

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by CJKitti_85, May 18, 2013.

  1. CJKitti_85

    CJKitti_85 Member

    I want to scream at everyone in my life because I know if I kill myself they'll be like "how could she do this to us? What's wrong with her?"

    Why should I have to stick around for everyone else's benefit? I've needed help for a long time and I've only gotten isolation and pain from it. I know life isn't always fair, but I can't deal with life being 100% against me... I feel backed into a corner. I'm constantly being challenged to better myself before anyone will treat me better.

    And... there's the problem.

    I can't get better. I can't be pretty. I can't be thin. I can't have a better body type. I can't have a different face. I can't be smart. I can't get rid of adhd or ptsd or pcos (probably the reason for my unwanted hair and irregular periods). I can't do anything for my flaws but apologize for them.... apologize for even being born.

    It's not like I don't try either. I'm constantly searching and trying out things that will help me, but I'm running out of time. I just turned 28 last month. The years will get faster and faster... I won't have any time to enjoy life because of all of this...

    So I spend my days thinking deeply... wondering how to kill myself, wondering if anyone really would miss me for the right reasons, wondering why I ended up in the life I am in, wondering what right to die loop-holes there are.

    And they see me... I know they do. They can't be that daft that they can't see me struggling... how much all of this hurts me. I've tried talking to them openly about all of this, but they just don't care. More isolation because that totally helps!

    She's lonely? Isolate her! She's sad? Flaunt your great life at her! She feels unloved? Make out with your So in front of her! Hug and kiss your kids in front of her! She feels deprived of normal human contact? Give her a .99 card with a cheesy and insensitive message on it!

    Most days I can be find holding it all in and pretending nothing is wrong. I can pretend it's good to be invisible, left out, not in a relationship, no kids--yep I'm a strong independent woman(tm) who doesn't need love, family or friends. Heh... sarcasm.

    As I said I'm engineering my own demise... and I loathe the idea that everyone just won't fucking know why I did it. I won't leave them a note. I don't owe them it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU OWE YOU somethng you are an adult you can only fix you no one else can do that YOU go to hospitals or YOU go and get therapy to change who you are adhd is treatable ptsd is treatable you seem to want others to help you but that is not going to happen it is YOU that need to do all the work Call your doctor get referalls to help you a therapist that deals with trauma They want to help maybe they don't know how they are not specialist or professionals you need professional help so call and get it ok

    Hard lesson i learned is that noone will look after me but ME that is what you have to know only YOU can do what it takes to change Don't tell me it is impossible because hell it is
    came from nothing nothing i did and yes it was hard but it is obtainable you can change but you have to want to

    quit looking outside of you ok look inside and say enough is enough and call and get the support that is there that you deserve hugs
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Even if you can't change those things (and I think some of them you could), you don't have to change them. What you do need to do, as we all do, is learn to live with who and what you are, learn to cope, learn to make the best of, learn to understand that there is no real scale for all that stuff - everyone is an individual and we don't have to be the painted picture of the actors and the models in the media. Learning to understand and love yourself is the true key to changing every one of those things that you listed. How does it change them? It changes them by your acceptance and by your finding the things you are good at (I know, you'll say you're good at nothing... but perhaps that is because you're so focused on all the things you think that you are not). In the end, all you really have to please is yourself. Don't stack yourself up against every body else and don't use others as your measure stick. Be who you are. Be proud, find happiness in the things you like to do, and don't worry about pretty, smart, thin, etc. Flaws are only flaws when you allow for them to be.
  4. CJKitti_85

    CJKitti_85 Member

    I'll try... for the thousandth time to accept and love myself. But it'd feel like a conceited desperate act. It's hard to not judge measure myself against others especially when I see how much better other people are treated. It's not that I'm jealous... more like sad. I can't be like them.

    And as for my health and appearance... I've taken the natural approach as I lack money and resources. But I might as well be not exercising, eating healthy, etc. because it's made no difference. I might as well just cram my face full of unhealthy foods and not even try to give a damn about my appearance.

    I can't take looking in the mirror. I can't stand all the flaws. So I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible. I avoid eye contact with myself for that reason. I avoid eye contact with others because I don't want to know what their faces are saying about me.... probably "ew, what a poor creature..."

    And I used to do art. I used to map (game modding). I used to write. I tried so much but I always got so frustrated at things never coming out right. It just frustrates me and makes me want to give up. Nothing comes out perfect. Nothing. And when it does? When I feel good enough to post it? No one says anything.

    I just feel so invisible... like everyone is around me interacting with each other but not me. Because I'm not allowed to interact with others, I don't even want a lot of attention. I just want to exist and be worthy of even basic respect and decency.

    I just don't see the appeal of living anymore... it's overwhelming. Look, the only good thing I can say is that I don't have all the tools I'll need to build the final coping method. The suicide machine I imagined a week ago doesn't look like it could be realistically implemented.
  5. CJKitti_85

    CJKitti_85 Member

    And... thanks Eclipse. Thanks for calling me lazy. Like I've never tried to change or get help. Like I do exactly nothing to try and help my situation. It's not like I don't know I'm alone and that everything is my fault.