I want to scream at everyone in my life because I know if I kill myself they'll be like "how could she do this to us? What's wrong with her?" Why should I have to stick around for everyone else's benefit? I've needed help for a long time and I've only gotten isolation and pain from it. I know life isn't always fair, but I can't deal with life being 100% against me... I feel backed into a corner. I'm constantly being challenged to better myself before anyone will treat me better. And... there's the problem. I can't get better. I can't be pretty. I can't be thin. I can't have a better body type. I can't have a different face. I can't be smart. I can't get rid of adhd or ptsd or pcos (probably the reason for my unwanted hair and irregular periods). I can't do anything for my flaws but apologize for them.... apologize for even being born. It's not like I don't try either. I'm constantly searching and trying out things that will help me, but I'm running out of time. I just turned 28 last month. The years will get faster and faster... I won't have any time to enjoy life because of all of this... So I spend my days thinking deeply... wondering how to kill myself, wondering if anyone really would miss me for the right reasons, wondering why I ended up in the life I am in, wondering what right to die loop-holes there are. And they see me... I know they do. They can't be that daft that they can't see me struggling... how much all of this hurts me. I've tried talking to them openly about all of this, but they just don't care. More isolation because that totally helps! She's lonely? Isolate her! She's sad? Flaunt your great life at her! She feels unloved? Make out with your So in front of her! Hug and kiss your kids in front of her! She feels deprived of normal human contact? Give her a .99 card with a cheesy and insensitive message on it! Most days I can be find holding it all in and pretending nothing is wrong. I can pretend it's good to be invisible, left out, not in a relationship, no kids--yep I'm a strong independent woman(tm) who doesn't need love, family or friends. Heh... sarcasm. As I said I'm engineering my own demise... and I loathe the idea that everyone just won't fucking know why I did it. I won't leave them a note. I don't owe them it.