Ignore this. I'm just going to rant.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonymousihs, Aug 15, 2012.

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  1. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    I don't know whats wrong. Something's been bothering me. I'm always irritated. I want to yell so bad at the guy who abused me. He had this apology note kinda thing on fb which wasn't even addressed to me. So i don't even know if he's sorry. I lost all my friends because of him. I told him about this other guy who'd abused me. And he said he was going to be there but he wasn't. And now he won't even talk to me! I never texted him again and neither did we even though we were such good friends. Now I don't even know if he ever thought about me again or if he never even cared that much. I'm mad because he did this to me and I'm mad because he won't apologize to me and I'm mad because he won't talk to me. And I'm mad at me for the giant ego that I have. Not that I should ever speak to him. It just would be nice to know that my entire school year wasn't a waste in terms of making friends who'd stay. But he has his own sad story to tell and he'd probably get more sympathy votes than me of he started. But I hate him. I wish he'd apologize..
     
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I know the title said to ignore it, but I read it. I could tell you what I thought of what you said if you like, or I can just keep that to myself if you really want this post to be ignored.
     
  3. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    No tell me what you think? I say ignore me all the time.
     
  4. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Could be a great deal of things, but that would take some digging to really uncover. Intense emotional reactions usually tend to be our mind trying to tell us that something deeper needs to be uncovered. It could be something that we maybe buried and since forgot, that we have been reminded of, but don't realize it. It could be a deeper need that we are not having fulfilled, and thus the temper tantrums to make us take a look inside and see what's wrong.

    It could be that an expectation is not being fulfilled, but needs to be. Anger, however, is known to be a response to a deeper need. Unexplained anger, or complexed anger, as it is known, will after show up when we least expect it, and will explode to stop the trigger from reminding us of that deeper need or the deeper pain. It will almost always be about something we still have not dealt with, and usually has nothing to do with the trigger in the moment.

    When this happens you might feel like you are someone else in the moment, and as if the anger is taking a hold of you, and you are sort of standing near by, watching it unfold... but can't really do much about it. Some people describe it as feeling as though the devil got a hold of them, and just took over. Usually you can notice or recognize that the anger is not justified, or the level of intensity being felt or displayed doesn't match the trigger; but it still doesn't stop you from getting more angry in the moment.

    Again, the complexed angers' job is to simply destroy the trigger. Anger is used to do this, to scare the trigger away, and threaten it, so it does not arise again.

    To fix this, you may have to seek out some counselling, because it's a very deep issue that will arise in your future as well, and obviously can get in the way of what you want. Learning to recognize your triggers, and recognizing your complex when it comes up are two ways to help control that situation, so that it doesn't just "happen" to you; but rather occurs, but doesn't just explode everywhere, whether internally or externally.

    Another thing you can do is to begin stepping away from the situation, until you feel the complex has died down. This should be done regardless of the situation, if it's with someone face to face; just say "I need to take a breather, think about a few things. I will come back to this later."

    Or if it's with yourself, remove yourself from the trigger... it might be a word, or a sound, or a smell, or something someone said, or an image etc... remove it for the time being, and put yourself in a different situation.



    You want him to recognize what he did, and recognize you as the victim. He is not doing this, so you feel like you want to get his attention, at any cost. You feel devalued, that he is not recognizing you any more. You need that validation from him. If he can abuse you, then he should stay there and validate your existence as a human being.


    Do you not matter? You are that worthless that you don't even get any guilty from his end? YOU aren't worthy of remorse? Does his lack of apology to you mean that you deserved it?


    Someone who is sorry, would use their actions and words to prove this. Can an abusive person ever really be sorry to the abused? Not very likely, as they often have their abusive behaviour validated, and since few can say no to it, or stop it when it's happening; this person goes on thinking this is right, and the way to be living and treating people. They end up getting a mindset where they feel they are justified and that everyone is beneath them. Even an apology from an abuser can be used as a manipulative method to draw in the victim closer, and to regain trust to abuse again.


    Abusers will often alienate their victims, so that they have nobody to get them out, nobody to help them, and nobody to stop the abuser from being abusive. Abusers want this alienation to occur to gain total control. They don't want you to be able to decide or choose; and having friends would give you "other options".

    If your friends are aware of this abuse, but still chose his side, then they too are abusers in a sense; that they justify his actions and chose to defend his side, even though it clearly was harming another. That is not a friend then, but rather someone who is a coward and someone who would allow abuse, if it mean they got more popular, or got into a group. (Perhaps kicking you away, made them more popular, or gave them more attention, now that you are out of the picture).

    You just admitted he is an abuser. I am not certain if that abuse of his was before or after this; but either way, be careful with the men you discuss this with. Too many just will not consider the fragility of your admission, and will be too harsh with that kind of honesty from your end. Many people want to live in happy little bubbles, and the minute you get serious with them, don't like you. Figuring out who is trustworthy to tell this kind of a thing to do, should be done by also watching their actions, as you say below...he said one thing did another. Let the trust be earned. Let them prove they deserve to know, by also having them share first; or share in general, potentially private or damaging information. (By damaging, I mean something that if used against them, could really damage their reputation; but something like that if they told you, they would know you'd not tell anyone else or use against you. That is real trust)

    Abusers lie to gain trust, so that they can control the situation better, and gain quicker access to private or sensitive information about you, which they wil later use against you to manipulate you into doing or saying what they want.

    The man was only saying what he thought you wanted to hear, and obviously it was what you needed to hear, probably the kinds of words you appreciate. But it was not coming from someone genuine, nor someone who truly cared.

    Obviously not, the abuse isn't fun any more, now that he got all that he wanted out of you. He got your friends from you, he got other things from you, he has used what he wanted and left. Now that you are standing up for yourself, he doesn't want you around. Why would he want a problematic and courageous person in his midst? He wants weak, submissive, and absolutely non-questioning victims.

    The minute you stand up or start to question, that means he can get into trouble, or have to be held accountable. So he kicks you aside, pretends he never knew you; denies anything you say, twists it against you, blames you says its your fault etc... then cuts you out, as if you started it all. Isolates you even more, now you have no friends, no abuser there...nobody.

    Guilt trip galore. Meanwhile he is living it up, doing his own thing, while you are stuck in misery.


    What are the last text messages sent? What were they about? Funny if he was a friend, how if you haven't texted in a while, he's not the least bit concerned if you are ok, or what's going on? Obviously he is not a friend. Used, abused, and left you.

    You were not good friends. He used the friend role to get in, and gain your trust, and to make you think he wasn't like others. I imagine he does this often with people; easier to gain trust that way, rather than dating or anything else. Friends would wonder if you are ok, would apologize if they hurt you, would check up on you after an absence...would call if you haven't spoken for a while to ask "Are you mad at me"...because they'd think maybe you are ignoring them.

    Friends would want you in their lives, keep you in the loop. All kinds of wonderful things. Is he doing any of those things now, when you need him? Heck no! This is no friend. This is someone who is a phony, and who clearly does not deserve friends.

    Give yourself some credit. You do know. He hasn't bothered; actions speak louder than words! If someone thinks about you, they would respond, or write to you; or hint that somewhere. If someone cares, oh boy they will act on it. So... there's no actions nor words from his end. Nothing. Nada. The only thing he thinks of you then, is not a whole heck of a lot; but then again the fact that he was possibly abusive, sure proves it.

    Absolutely acceptable. Acceptable to feel violated. To feel used. TO feel betrayed. To feel like only you gave, and only to get hurt in the end. I'm not sure how long he pretended to be your friend, but the longer he did; the more time you have to rewind and question if any of it was even sincere at all.

    You probably feel like such a fool. You probably hate yourself for letting all this happen, and how could you be so stupid? I bet you ask yourself that from time to time. I bet you feel as if you betrayed yourself too.

    All of this is understandable. The loneliness. The feeling as if you have been picked apart so cruelly, and judged, and cast out for everyone to sneer at. I imagine you probably don't forgive yourself at this point, nor him, and probably not your other friends too, who seemingly abandoned you.

    If you spoke to him, he'd probably blame you, and twist it in a way that made you out to be the one who started it, and wanted it, and the bad guy. He is obviously not sorry. A person who is sorry will try and apologize, will show remorse, will want you to understand that they are apologetic. They would go out of their way to make it known to you.

    You REQUIRE answers. You need him to explain himself. You need to know what it really was, and answer everything you've been doubting, and questioning, and picking apart since. You need him to answer, because you can't figure it out on your own, and any answers you come up with are just too painful to bear. You need him to take away that pain, and give you some peace. Give you a reason. Give some sort of justification to it all.

    But you get silence instead.

    That ego comes from a complex that is hiding/masking a deep inner need. The need is to have an answer. Everyone has egos, by the way, they are a healthy part of our personalities. While some egos may be seen as bad ones, they are always there to protect a certain part of ourselves, to shelter ourselves from hurt. There are many types of egos, for example some people have this nurturing ego (mom syndome, dad syndrome), where they basically always take on a nurturing role or try to "baby" everyone around them. When a person becomes a parent, obviously this becomes an important complex (ego), and is then useful. Though sometimes it can be at a disadvantage when done too heavily, as in the smothering cases.

    The "ego" complex is the one where people may act like the entire universe should centralize around them, and basically cater to their every whim. This complex may lead a person to always make things about themselves, or may cause them to always be selfish and have their needs be considered more important and above that of anyone else etc..

    There are inferiority complexes, as you probably have heard this before. They are only just real manifestations of our core values and inner needs, taken to a bit of a more extreme, when allowed to take over us.

    In other words, the egos (complexes) that you have, will always be there, but it can be tamed; and doesn't have to be the bad guy. They are really just there, because again, something is coming out from deep within, and it's also telling you that something needs to be taken care of or looked at more closely. Ego's only really act out, when the inner part of ourselves has not been nurtured enough.

    Don't be mad at yourself for having needs, or for having the need for a need to be looked at pointed out to you.

    As for him not contacting you... again, in his world...why should he? Why does he "owe you" that?


    Given the way you feel about this, and his attitude being the exact opposite, you really won't get what you are looking for out of this one. I believe you already know this, as you said "not that I should ever". But knowing and doing are two different things, at times. Should you get answers to all of your questions? For the most part, we are capable of finding the answer to most of the things we ask, other things, we are told that if we cannot find an answer, that we must accept it as is.

    Sometimes the answers are not always in the direction you seek though, remember that.

    Making friends is one thing, but earning friends and having friends earn you; is another. If you spent a year "making friends"; but the investment is no returned, then they have not earned that title, and do not deserve to be considered that. Call them acquaintances then. Also, if you have to work on making it happen, is it really what you thought it was to begin with?

    Friendships should not be this difficult, unless you are trying to befriend a corpse. In which case, it would still only be one sided.

    Also, again, they chose his side. Not right, but they are cowards who stand up for the wrong things, is that is the easier route for them. Not so friendly after all, eh?

    It seems maybe your school year was perhaps somewhat lost to many other things, but I would not say it was wasted. You know that school does have another purpose aside from 'friends'. ;) It may be that you have learned a lot this year after it all, and can use that knowledge to "really" make "real" friends. It's still to your benefits in some areas. I found my real friend the same way, and wouldn't have done that, without all of the other horrific things, and losses and everything else.

    The reason I wouldn't have done that, is because without the bad stuff, I wouldn't have gone down the path I did, and ended up befriending the person I did.


    .
    Being abused or being a victim, does not give anyone the right to do that to other innocent people. It does not validate that at all. Sad story or not, I wonder how it'd compare to the kind of ass he is now? I wonder if anyone would think it justified his poor behaviour now? I doubt anyone would. That's still a choice one makes on how they act. We cannot 100% control anyone else's thoughts or actions, but we always have a choice with ourselves. Even if the choice is not very apparent, that's only because we mask it up or hide it, or don't reach in deep enough to bother understanding ourselves.

    Also, sad stories are not about sympathy votes to begin with. They are about reaching out, being heard, being understood, having a voice. Victims do not get a voice, so when they are finally able to tell their stories; they begin to become less of the victim, and more of the self-saver knight in shining armour.

    Some people might use sob stories to get attention and gain sympathy, so that they can get people closer, and then use this to abuse the care or concern of those around them. But either way, clearly you can recognize that this man perhaps might be the kind who is using his "sob story" to perhaps get attention, and make people feel for him, so that he can appear to be this sort of innocent and soft guy on the inside.

    Sure stories get attention, but again, you obviously see something in here. Two wrongs do not make a right anyway. If people heard your story and then said oh his is worse, and he overshadows you with his; that is not right whatsoever.

    That is absolutely wrong. We cannot say that one persons pain is more than another's, as we have no way of getting inside a person and figuring out just how much pain they are in with something to begin with; even if one thing is more tragic than the other, or one thing more of an obvious traumatizing example; we still cannot assume that.


    That's a wish that will probably not be granted. Even if you stood up to him and told him all the different ways he hurt you, he'd still not really apologize.

    It's quite possible that you need to see someone over this, so that it doesn't become the thing that consumes you, and take away from your ability to trust anyone ever again. I imagine it's already making it difficult for you to open up or trust again.

    But you want friends, you want more things.

    This thing will get in the way of that want, and it will destroy your ability to fulfil that want. Get it looked at, see a professional about it. It's important for your future and for your needs and beliefs, to do this. Allow yourself the ability to break it down into manageable chunks, and understanding and healing.
     
  5. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    For one, thanks a lot for taking so much time in replying to me. I really appreciate it. You sound like youre a counselor yourself. :p

    I do tend to shove stuff in a deep corner of my mind because I have a really hard time dealing with stuff. You wont believe it but I cry if I see other people crying. I cry if I see people or animals I never even saw before dying and I cry if I see child labor and I cry if I do something about it. Its so pathetic and annoying. I hate it so bad if anyone finds out this thing bothered me, I’d give a million dollars if anyone helped me fix this problem.

    I think its kind of good if I can scare away the trigger because theres some things its better you didn’t deal with. Though I really want to go to a counselor I find it really hard to talk about all this sensitive stuff and I just cant open up unless im friends with someone and of course the counselor wont tell me his/her life story.

    I have been away from the whole situation for a while now. It isn’t like we just stopped talking. When he was bullying me and hooking up with my roommate, I stopped talking to him. I never confronted him about how I felt because I thought it would be pointless. He thinks I don’t want to talk to him. He is different from the other abusers I think in the sense that he has been depressed for ages himself. He was always threatened by me. He told me several times that he doesn’t like hanging out with most people because he feels crappy standing next to them. He thinks I and everyone else should hate him, even though I genuinely liked him. I wanted to help him. Everyone literally warner me but I felt like just because others hate him doesn’t mean I have to as well. Im kind of stubborn. So I wanted to help him.

    You’re damn right about them kicking me getting them more attention. The girls were just looking for an excuse to hate me and I guess you get what I’m insinuating.
    I told this guy I was sexually abused before and then he kind of abused and bullied me like crazy. Im pretty bad at judging people. But he told me lots of stuff that he didn’t want me telling anyone else and so I told him too. So it wasn’t like he wasn’t sharing. I dont know what went wrong. Just his ego I guess because he felt like crap all the time. He said several things like ‘who ‘s going to text you’ or ‘youre not part of this group’ or ‘nobody cares about you’ or ‘nobody wants you here’.
    I don’t like how you say used and abused and left. But I guess its true.
    The last time we spoke he asked me if I was talking to him and I was like yeah when did I stop? The whole time I’d never said anything to him about being mad and pretended I didn’t care about the whole thing.

    He was different with me than he was with others in the sense that if he missed them, he’d text them but not me. One time when I was out on a short trip, he was like I cant believe because I never thought I would miss you as much as I did and im not sure I like it. The whole trip I was hoping he’d text but he didn’t. when I got back it wasn’t like I said I’d expected a text or anything. He just said that unexpectedly. That’s why I said I don’t know if he thought about me after.

    And it is true that he doesn’t date anyone. So I guess he is just using everyone to gain their trust and then sleep with them. Theres this one b**** whos like best friends with my roommate and she was part of our group too. Now she keeps texting me now and then asking me to hang out because she ‘misses’ me. But she hates me and is incredibly jealous of me and I have never been able to figure out why she still wants to talk to me and hang out with me. Do you know why? It drives crazy thinking about it.

    Damn right I will never forget those ‘friends’ of mine and nor him for letting that happened to me. He told me some really really private stuff about him like how he had been depressed for ages, how he cut himself and how he badly he was suicidal and the crazy stuff he did. I would say more but that would be like identifying him so ill stop. And
    There! I told everyone what he asked me not to! He threatened to tell everyone about my sexual abuse if I ever told anyone about this stuff. I wouldn’t have told anyone any way. I was so hurt when he said that to me.

    I want to know and get my answers but I haven’t really tried talking to him because I hate him and I never want to see him again (though I secretly wish I did because I want him to feel sorry for what he did and nothing else). im scared he’ll go back to being that bully and tell me he doesn’t owe me any explanation. And im scared he’ll tell everyone about my abuse. So I just want to stay off of that subject.
    Though I seriously doubt I’ll ever ask him about it, but from all ive told you, do you think I could get the answer im looking for?

    When id just met him, he was like he never ends up being friends with people for oo long because he always does something to offend them. Even with us, he said ill probably stop talking to him because he’ll do something. And that time I wanted to be supported and I wanted to help him not be so sad so I was like no you wont do anything..

    Do you really think he doesn’t think he owes me an explanation or anything?
    Im glad you found your friend finally but I seriously doubt anyones going to be friends with me. The girls are always jealous and I mean this in the least obnoxious way possible. I wish they’d understand and be friends with me. I try to compliment them and show them that im really lame but it never works.

    OMG, youre so right! He does use his sob story to get attention. I don’t think anyone whos been abused or been a victim would go announce this to the whole entire world that they were tormented. But this is exactly what he does! He did this to me the first time I went out with him and then obviously I felt all sorry for him and then he abused all the care that I had for him. He acted like he was the soft guy so id feel bad for him and I was there for him the whole time.

    I will never tell him how much he hurt me because that will just give him the satisfaction that he really messed me up. I do want to try counseling but then on the other hand I don’t want him to be so important in my life that I had to seek a counselor over it. Hes a nobody. Everybody hates him. I want to hate him too. I know the only way I can get back at him is to be happy because that’s what he hated most even when we were friends. I was happy and had friends and got all the attention I wanted in the world but he didn’t. If I get my place back, I’ll have my revenge.

    Also, I cannot thank you enough for your reply. It has honestly helped me way more than any counselor did before. It really did touch me. So thanks a lot. :)
     
  6. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    For one, thanks a lot for taking so much time in replying to me. I really appreciate it. You sound like youre a counselor yourself. :p

    (Thankyou! *Bashful!)

    I do tend to shove stuff in a deep corner of my mind because I have a really hard time dealing with stuff. You wont believe it but I cry if I see other people crying. I cry if I see people or animals I never even saw before dying and I cry if I see child labor and I cry if I do something about it. Its so pathetic and annoying. I hate it so bad if anyone finds out this thing bothered me, I’d give a million dollars if anyone helped me fix this problem.

    There is a phrase (or terminology if you will), called “flight or fight” response. When we do not fight the fear or the problem, we end up running from it. This is true in the emotional sense as well, wherein we defend ourselves by burying it or “running from it” so that we do not have to deal with it.

    Sometimes our minds do this in a crisis situation, because if we were to attempt to deal with the crisis as it were and as it is happening, we likely would not survive. Thus the mind may on purpose bury something, so that we can mature enough to deal with it later on.

    As it were, ‘dealing with things’ is really more about our ability to cope than anything else. No one is really truly equipped to deal with death for example… even if we have seen it many times, it would still be a loss if it were someone we loved. It would still be a loss if it were someone we needed etc…

    That never goes away. But the key, again is how we cope. Coping skills are not really in us by nature. Nature does give us reactions, but those reactions are mostly only designed for in the moment events.

    As we grow up we must learn how to cope on our own. Most people are taught how to do this indirectly through their parents. As a baby we cope by constantly being comforted and reassured by our parents. But as we start to get older, our parents encourage us to take risks, and deal with the consequences.

    Learning to ride a bike is a good example of that. First the training wheels. But then your parents want you to do it without the training wheels, but doing it without, could mean you fall and scrape your knee. But, to cope with it the parents would be there to encourage you to try it again.


    This graduates into other things in our lives, as we grow older; that we eventually learn to do or deal with on our own, till eventually we get to a place where we can confront a problem, face it, solve it, all without feeling too overwhelmed or feeling as if we need to run away from it.

    Sometimes though, we don’t get to this stage with our parents or family; and we sort of get shoved out into the world as an adult who still hasn’t really grown up, or learned the lessons that are necessary for life.

    What happens then is the mind resorts to this mothering and fathering sort of complex, where we end up looking for that comfort and that encouragement in others, but on a level that puts us in danger. I.E. we end up with abusive people, because they will act the most nurturing in the beginning.

    As for the emotional responses to emotional circumstances other beings or mammals face in life, it seems that you are not comfortable with the subject matter itself. Perhaps seeing others in pain sort of triggers you to think of your own pain, or to relate to how that must feel; and thus end up feeling sad.

    What you are feeling sad over, however is not all that illogical. You feel upset over injustices, unfair circumstances. The solution to this is to either actively attempt to help these situations; even if you cannot directly help the very person or mammal you saw being harmed; but to perhaps get involved in charities that do help such circumstances.

    The other solution is to simply stop viewing these things. These things will be all over the television and the news, and the job of news programming is only to tug at your emotional strings, and keep viewers tuned; nothing more.

    The issue with television, is that it tells you what to watch; rather than letting you decide.

    If you actively seek out the above content even without television, then it is very likely that you are looking for a release, and are using that subject matter as a method to get that release. Crying is known to help relieve the buildup of emotional pressure.




    I think its kind of good if I can scare away the trigger because theres some things its better you didn’t deal with. Though I really want to go to a counselor I find it really hard to talk about all this sensitive stuff and I just cant open up unless im friends with someone and of course the counselor wont tell me his/her life story.

    Sometimes the trigger may be another person though, so it’s not always good to let the complex run your life for you. The trigger might be good things too. A trigger is not always a bad thing, it could be something nice, like winning at something for once… but suddenly you feel upset. Or having someone compliment you; but then wondering if they were lying and accusing them of not being sincere. Etc….

    Anything a complex is trying to hide, is ABSOLUTELY something you must eventually deal with. It might turn out to be an inner need, a core value being ignored, an event you still have not grieved over, a situation that you haven’t forgiven etc…. it could be many things.

    If you need a way to open up, where others are sharing as well, group therapy may work for you then. In group therapy everyone in the group shares, and you are allowed to give input on what they share; and they are allowed to give input on what you share.

    There are some group therapies that run for a year, which means everyone in the group will be the same person you see once a week, that way there is solidity and familiarity, so you don’t always have to continuously repeat yourself.

    Another option is to start journaling. If you find it hard to open up to an individual, then open up to yourself in the written form. Everything you wrote here is perfect… you can write each day what you are going through, or journal when you are the most upset emotionally…and write what over, and how you feel about this, and what triggered it etc…


    You can even write about your past.

    This journal can serve as a guide with a private counsellor or psychologist as something you can read through and work on together, and address; rather than feeling like you have to speak about your life verbally, to someone who doesn’t return it, this means it’s already spoken, and now you can just speak about how you can work on it, or what kinds of changes you’d like to see.

    Eases the pressure… and also journaling is often recommended as a tool to help organize your thoughts and bring clarity to your feelings. It can also help you see where you are coming and going, when you read back on it, you will often notice there might be things you felt one way about in that moment, that you absolutely forgot about in the future…and can’t believe you were taking so seriously. It’s a good feeling.



    I have been away from the whole situation for a while now. It isn’t like we just stopped talking. When he was bullying me and hooking up with my roommate, I stopped talking to him. I never confronted him about how I felt because I thought it would be pointless. He thinks I don’t want to talk to him. He is different from the other abusers I think in the sense that he has been depressed for ages himself. He was always threatened by me. He told me several times that he doesn’t like hanging out with most people because he feels crappy standing next to them. He thinks I and everyone else should hate him, even though I genuinely liked him. I wanted to help him. Everyone literally warner me but I felt like just because others hate him doesn’t mean I have to as well. Im kind of stubborn. So I wanted to help him.

    The “helper mentality” as it is known, can often be a dangerous thing for anyone who has this attitude. Google it, and see if any of the traits fit in with you. Helper mentalities will get hurt and crushed the most, because they will genuinely put effort into sometimes what are known as “lost causes” or situations that can become abusive, they will bear… thinking that it will get better or that the person is still good.

    As for his being depressed, trying to pull someone out of that, is basically like asking to be slapped in the face over and over. That is not something that one person alone can pull another out of, even professionals struggle to do this. A lot of that “pull” has to come from the person themselves, and I am sure many times you complimented him, but it seemed like it went in one ear and out the other; and he was magically depressed again, even after you tried so hard.

    Is it possible that a great majority of your pain is coming from the failure? All that time spent, all of the goals you had? All of the good intentions for him crushed? Feels as if he didn’t care, not even when it was about himself?



    You’re damn right about them kicking me getting them more attention. The girls were just looking for an excuse to hate me and I guess you get what I’m insinuating.

    Obviously were looking for something here, because you gained the favor of someone that everyone else put down, from the sounds of it. That made you the golden girl; and made them the losers.

    He probably spent a lot of time with you after that, which meant they were cast aside.


    I told this guy I was sexually abused before and then he kind of abused and bullied me like crazy. Im pretty bad at judging people. But he told me lots of stuff that he didn’t want me telling anyone else and so I told him too. So it wasn’t like he wasn’t sharing. I dont know what went wrong.

    Might be a trigger of his? I’m not so sure on this one… maybe he was looking for something to control you with, and that was the magic bullet? Or maybe (this is really bad), what you told him, completely changed his view of you, and he judged you for it. Some men, although this is really bad, would view a girl who has been sexually abused as being someone who enticed it, or maybe wanted it.

    Some men would think, oh you didn’t fight it off or what have you, which means you wanted it. Then they label you very badly in their mind as someone who can be abused, and deserves it; and thus treats you without respect afterward.

    Such men do exist, and these ones usually want their girlfriends to always be virgins, even if they are not. These same men will also have sex with women, but still would consider the same women they slept with to be “dirty” or unclean, or just not worthy of commitment or respect.


    Just his ego I guess because he felt like crap all the time. He said several things like ‘who ‘s going to text you’ or ‘youre not part of this group’ or ‘nobody cares about you’ or ‘nobody wants you here’.
    I don’t like how you say used and abused and left. But I guess its true.

    Those statements above are very abusive! Trying to speak for everyone by saying “nobody wants this or that from you”, is an attempt to make you think that no one is there for you, and that you are all alone.

    What if you had harmed yourself over these words? This guy is very cruel. It does seem like he was using his knowledge of your past abuse against you.
     
  7. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    The last time we spoke he asked me if I was talking to him and I was like yeah when did I stop? The whole time I’d never said anything to him about being mad and pretended I didn’t care about the whole thing.

    It sounds like a good decision to actually make the decision to “stop” talking to him on purpose. That way even if he ever does contact you in the future, you know where you stand on the subject.

    Obviously he has no problem using hurtful words, or trying to belittle you, or embarrass you publicly. Again, not a friend at all. That is a bully.


    He was different with me than he was with others in the sense that if he missed them, he’d text them but not me. One time when I was out on a short trip, he was like I cant believe because I never thought I would miss you as much as I did and im not sure I like it. The whole trip I was hoping he’d text but he didn’t. when I got back it wasn’t like I said I’d expected a text or anything. He just said that unexpectedly. That’s why I said I don’t know if he thought about me after.

    Again belittling you “I can’t believe, because I never thought”… how rude? So he was placing you in this area where you were just supposed to be worth less than others in his mind? How rude. Then he’s not even sure he likes that? What are you garbage to him? Honestly.

    You can clearly see how he acts with everyone else, but purposefully treats you more like trash than anything. Is it possible you wanted more than he did….and he figured this out?

    Sounds like this guy spares no moment to really just crush you.



    And it is true that he doesn’t date anyone. So I guess he is just using everyone to gain their trust and then sleep with them. Theres this one b**** whos like best friends with my roommate and she was part of our group too. Now she keeps texting me now and then asking me to hang out because she ‘misses’ me. But she hates me and is incredibly jealous of me and I have never been able to figure out why she still wants to talk to me and hang out with me. Do you know why? It drives crazy thinking about it.

    Just because a man is not dating, does not mean that he is not sexually active behind the scenes.

    I would gather she is asking you to hang out, probably not for good reasons. The only time that people who clearly and openly hate someone ever ask them to meet, is when something like beating that person up or embarrassing them has been previously planned.

    Do not respond to that, and do not go. It would be dangerous to respond to that, honestly.

    I know this, as I was once asked to go to a kids’ birthday party, and it was this kid who was part of a group that clearly hated me, as they’d always make mean remarks toward me, make fun of me, bully etc…

    I just said I don’t know. I went to the bathroom, and a girl in the bathroom said “I hope you aren’t thinking of going there, because they were planning on beating you up when you got there”.

    That is all I can say about people who clearly and openly hate you… is if they suddenly get this “change of heart”… it’s a bunch of crap. She has no reason to like you, if you haven’t even spoken in some time… nothing could have possibly changed in that timeframe.



    Damn right I will never forget those ‘friends’ of mine and nor him for letting that happened to me. He told me some really really private stuff about him like how he had been depressed for ages, how he cut himself and how he badly he was suicidal and the crazy stuff he did. I would say more but that would be like identifying him so ill stop. And
    There! I told everyone what he asked me not to! He threatened to tell everyone about my sexual abuse if I ever told anyone about this stuff. I wouldn’t have told anyone any way. I was so hurt when he said that to me.

    It’s not too clear what you’re saying here… did you tell others about his personal self harming or other deep mental states? Or he accused you of this, and you never really did?

    Even if you break someone’s trust, they should never threaten to do the same in return…. That is an immature person to say the least. I have a friend whose trust I have broken, but he is forgiving… and he has never been malicious in return to me, because of my mistakes.



    I want to know and get my answers but I haven’t really tried talking to him because I hate him and I never want to see him again (though I secretly wish I did because I want him to feel sorry for what he did and nothing else). im scared he’ll go back to being that bully and tell me he doesn’t owe me any explanation. And im scared he’ll tell everyone about my abuse. So I just want to stay off of that subject.

    I would suggest that perhaps the answers are going to come from you working through all of this with a therapist or a professional; and perhaps with some self help, and looking into a few of the things I said, and also reading books on these subjects.

    Learning about yourself is the best way to get answers quickly… when you understand yourself you can understand why someone acts a certain way around you, or what leads people to do certain things…because as you read about these things you will find the things that apply to you, but will also find the things that apply to people around you.

    Getting new perspectives on the past is a great way to heal the wounds, and move past them.

    He told you that he didn’t owe you any explanation? Wow. He doesn’t even think he did anything wrong.

    Honestly you are best not talking to him again, the more you do, the more rude and hurtful he will get.

    Honestly don’t talk to him again…. And if he has told anyone about your abuse or if he does, you can deal with that road when it comes. I know abuse is a very personal thing, but what can anyone who you are not in contact with, do with that knowledge anyway?

    That knowledge is only useful to abusers, if they can tell that to people you personally are in contact with still. It wouldn’t matter if you don’t even speak to any of your old friends anymore.




    Though I seriously doubt I’ll ever ask him about it, but from all ive told you, do you think I could get the answer im looking for?

    Simply put: absolutely not. He clearly admitted he doesn’t even feel like he even owes you an explanation. He has devalued you. Told you that nobody cares etc… asking him just gives him another opportunity to belittle you.

    When id just met him, he was like he never ends up being friends with people for oo long because he always does something to offend them. Even with us, he said ill probably stop talking to him because he’ll do something. And that time I wanted to be supported and I wanted to help him not be so sad so I was like no you wont do anything..

    He knows his behaviour is hurtful, yet doesn’t change. He doesn’t even apologize even! It’s one thing to be hurtful, or be a certain way that others might get offended by… it’s a whole other story to do what he did above, by saying “who would text you”, and by saying he’s not even sorry and shouldn’t need to be.

    In this case it doesn’t even matter what he said about how he hurts people, because with you, he so very clearly intended to do it, and wanted to get away with it too.



    Do you really think he doesn’t think he owes me an explanation or anything?

    You just said he said he doesn’t think that. Clearly he doesn’t. He apologizes to other friends, but not you. He misses other people, but he feels it’s wrong to miss you. He outcasts you from friends and devalues you as a human, suggesting that nobody would want to even bother with you anyway. I think you need to sit down and answer some of your own questions honestly… with the facts; and not with how you feel about it, and not with what you “don’t wish” were true.


    Im glad you found your friend finally but I seriously doubt anyones going to be friends with me. The girls are always jealous and I mean this in the least obnoxious way possible. I wish they’d understand and be friends with me. I try to compliment them and show them that im really lame but it never works.

    This man has given you the impression that nobody would want to be friends with you. Whoever you hang out with sounds to be utterly superficial at best? Maybe dig deeper, find groups who do activities that go maybe a bit beyond the superficial, and more into the deeper realms of the mind?

    Reading clubs? Gaming clubs etc…?? In those situations you can get close to people, but not under pretentious circumstances, but rather based upon similar hobbies; that way people can get to understand “you”, instead of just looking at you as if you are this object to be insulted.

    Just some food for thought.


    OMG, youre so right! He does use his sob story to get attention. I don’t think anyone whos been abused or been a victim would go announce this to the whole entire world that they were tormented. But this is exactly what he does! He did this to me the first time I went out with him and then obviously I felt all sorry for him and then he abused all the care that I had for him. He acted like he was the soft guy so id feel bad for him and I was there for him the whole time.

    You said yourself you don’t even want anyone knowing you were abused. It’s a VERY INTIMATE secret of the abused. It’s such private and sensitive information, it’s difficult for an abused victim to even say. Some victims take years to even admit it publicly or to anyone.

    There is a tiny small percentage who can openly discuss it, but those ones do such, because they might be trying to prevent it in the future, so they tell people to make sure the person they are telling doesn’t happen to be one of those abusers either. Sounds a bit messed up, but it happens.

    Obviously that “soft guy” idea is really just a mean underneath. Kind of like how the fishhook may have a flashy or feathery outside, but hiding inside is the hook.



    I will never tell him how much he hurt me because that will just give him the satisfaction that he really messed me up. I do want to try counseling but then on the other hand I don’t want him to be so important in my life that I had to seek a counselor over it.

    He sounds like someone who, if you told him the hurt he caused, would spread that, and make you out to be a whiny pathetic loser; and then everyone would text you saying how pathetic you are. Obviously telling someone the hurt they caused you, does not make you pathetic or a loser, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to someone and let them know what they caused; but in this case, I honestly do not see any benefit, as I predict he would use that against you in a very hurtful way.

    You don’t have to see counselling entirely over this event, but perhaps over other things you are struggling to cope with as well. You mentioned getting very emotionally distraught when you view or see something that you feel is morally wrong, such as child labor. This could be a core value that you address with a counsellor, so you can understand it, learn to control it (so that it no longer controls you), and learn how to cope with it etc…

    This could be true in many areas of your life, where you might just need some insight, or to make things clearer, or some better coping mechanisms… It’s not such a bad idea, if you really are alienated right now, to get some emotionally support for yourself; since it seems you don’t really have any close friends right now who can give you that.


    Better to deal with things now, before they spiral into a very deep depression that you can’t really recover from, without extensive therapy and years of recovery.

    Hes a nobody. Everybody hates him. I want to hate him too. I know the only way I can get back at him is to be happy because that’s what he hated most even when we were friends. I was happy and had friends and got all the attention I wanted in the world but he didn’t. If I get my place back, I’ll have my revenge.

    He sounds like someone who should not be very worthy of your time, that is for sure. But, the only problem with devoting your time to hating him, is it means you still care. It means that you are still reliving everything that was done days and days ago.

    It’s a good idea to get your place back in society, in terms of your social standing, but not with this group of people again. This time with a worthy more mature group of people, who can forgive, and who are capable of apologizing, and whose main motives are not emotional control and blackmailing.



    Also, I cannot thank you enough for your reply. It has honestly helped me way more than any counselor did before. It really did touch me. So thanks a lot.


    You’re welcome!
     
  8. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    Okay, seriously are you a counselor? :p

    I have no clue how you know all this and I cant explain what its doing to me. Sorry if this sounds crappy.
    Wow, my mind is really smart. Im impressed. Lol But its pathetic because it cant deal with anything. My parents never taught me to deal with stuff. They just gave me whatever I wanted, when I wanted. Except that I had to witness domestic violence once and emotional and verbal abuse every single day of my life. My dad was like, oh I never tell people about my problems no matter how much pain im in and im so strong that I don’t need to go all sensitive and stuff.
    So all my life I took his abuse without a word to anyone but im tired now. I don’t live with him now but I still see how he abuses my mom nearly every day. I see how much he hates her every single day.
    So one thing I know for sure is everything is my dad’s fault.

    My sexual abuse was when I left home. Of course I had no clue how to deal with it and then all that stuff with that guy happened. I never had to take any risks or whatever. There was never any consequences because my dad always fixed everything until I grew up and never told him about my problems because he taught me that remember?
    He was always really really over protective and never let me deal with anything. That’s like how I take care of my dog who’s like my kid so I don’t know if I’m like my dad too.
    I don’t view these things on purpose. Its like random videos I see on youtube or fb. I honestly do not like watching them but if I see them by accident, it completely crushes me. I’m not even kidding. Do you know how I can stop this from happening again? Its kind of embarrassing. It isn’t like I feel my pain, I just feel their pain and I wish I could help them. I want to help them but I cant see them like that so I just donate.
    I do have a journal and it helps sometimes but after a while its like choking on me because its still just me. But I do like your idea of group therapy.
    You’re probably right about the helper mentality stuff. He was probably a lost cause. It would all have been worth it if I knew I would stop in the future. Unfortunately I don’t know how to stop myself from being like that. I feel so guilty if I don’t help the people who are suffering and I cant help but think that if I was in their place I would want to be helped too.

    I guess I feel bad because after all that I tried with him to make him feel better, I even ignored it that he assaulted me sexually as well. I thought every time I was listening to him and every time he thanked me and every time he told me he felt better, he meant it. But now I’m not sure at all. If he was feeling all that nice, he would have never just started with all the stuff that he did. It wasn’t even about me liking him as more than friends. It was just that I thought we were friends and we really did understand each other. What I don’t understand is why he would let all that go for some who**. Seriously, can you explain that? He doesn’t even like her. And I didn’t just make this thought up. He told me, and so did one of his friends. His friend told me he likes me but I never believed him because he was acting like such an ass.
    Yeah, he and every other person liked me more. Didn’t even matter if they actually spent more time with me, it was just that they wanted to and these girls saw that. I’m kind of worried I wont be the same again.

    I don’t think he judged me after that because I remember he truly felt sorry and rally bad for me. He isn’t someone who’d judge me after all the crap he does. I told him stuff in the very beginning when we were just starting to get to know each other. Things were fine for a long time after that so it cant be that. I also never heard him say anything about virginity. Where he’s from, it would be really really rare girls are virgins by the time they’re around 21. In fact I don’t know anyone who is a virgin. So that’s definitely not an issue. Its more a matter of how many guys you slept with that determines how ‘pure’ you are. Lol besides, we never even talked about me again after the initial days. It was always his stuff. I was completely fine.

    Oh no, I definitely did not want anything from him. Not sex, not a relationship and not emotional support. I spoke to him only because I thought we were friends and maybe I could help. I’ll tell you why he spoke to me like that in a private message. And yes, he really did spare no moment. I wish I had been more aggressive. But the only reason I didn’t say anything was because we had the same friends and I needed someone to hang out with.
    Oh, he’s been sexually active al right. Really really active at that. That girl doesn’t really make mean comments or anything. Shes like my frenemy. She wont like attack me or anything because no ones going to be with her on that. But I don’t want to hang out with her anyway. So if you have any ideas why your frenemy would want to hang out with you, I’d be glad to listen. Everyone knows she’s jealous but she isn’t like she openly hates me.

    I never told anyone about his personal stuff. He said that if I ever told anyone, he’ll tell every single person he knew about my abuse.
    Also, now I’m not planning on being in touch with any of my old friends. But if they keep calling me to hang out I don’t know what I’m going to say to them because I cant be openly rude to them.
    When he said ‘who would text you’ he meant that everyone else in the group was in constant touch all day about what they were up to but I was the only one who wasn’t because half of them were girls who were jealous and the the other half were guys who were pretty much like his sidekicks.
    Yeah if I told him he hurt me and other people find out, then its going to increase his social standing an insane amount and lower mine a lot. Though he has already done some damage because of his hooking up with my roommate.
     
  9. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I have no clue how you know all this and I cant explain what its doing to me. Sorry if this sounds crappy.

    Sometimes we just don’t have the words we need to explain everything that we are going through. Sometimes, if something is new to us, or not really discussed publicly, we will be at a loss of words.

    The key, however, is to try and find those words, either through a counsellor, or by reading other people’s stories who have went through the same thing, or by reading certain self help books. Etc…




    Wow, my mind is really smart. Im impressed. Lol But its pathetic because it cant deal with anything.
    Knowing and doing are two different things. We can even know what we are supposed to do, yet don’t do it; that’s because our emotional barriers are getting in the way.

    As for your inability to deal with anything a large portion of that comes from how intense your emotions are, and how much of the show they are running. Mankind works only one of these two ways: either your emotions run you, or you run them.

    For many people, their emotions are running them, and controlling their decision making. They often make abrupt decisions, or act in a fit of rage. They will say things they don’t mean when they are upset and regret it later, or will do things emotionally that might not be so rational once the motions have run their course.

    Very few people actually control their emotions; and very few people ever learn that this is something that can be controlled and used to their advantage.


    My parents never taught me to deal with stuff. They just gave me whatever I wanted, when I wanted.

    Many parents don’t realize that spoiling a child leads them to not be able to handle failures or criticisms later in life. That’s because all of the child’s life, they have been taught that everything will be fine, here have this, take more… you will receive when things go wrong etc…

    Obviously you know why this was bad, sure it is nice to get things sometimes, but you needed that balance of the edginess life offered too. You needed a little bad in there, so you could handle it in a safe environment, learn, so that when you went out on your own you could feel comfortable tackling difficult things… because you had done it before.



    Except that I had to witness domestic violence once and emotional and verbal abuse every single day of my life. My dad was like, oh I never tell people about my problems no matter how much pain im in and im so strong that I don’t need to go all sensitive and stuff.

    I had an ex who said the same thing your dad said. He thought it was best to keep the problems secret, no matter what the problem was. Some men do this, because they like to keep things in control. Telling others means it could spread as gossip or be used against them.

    Many men often don’t think that telling anyone anything would solve their problems. They often think that only actions and silence until it is fixed; works to solve problem.

    Women, however will often feel like discussing it is important to get the emotional barriers out of the way, and clear the mind to get more clarity with the solutions.

    Obviously that is a very hurtful kind of mentality to be telling a child, that if you have an issue, never tell anyone, just man up and handle it, no matter how intense it is. I bet he probably knows that taking the entire weight of the world on his shoulders probably does not work, and only makes things even harder.

    Sometimes it’s hard for the ego to go down, and let a person ask for help.



    So all my life I took his abuse without a word to anyone but im tired now. I don’t live with him now but I still see how he abuses my mom nearly every day. I see how much he hates her every single day.

    That’s still up to her to stay. By now she is probably relatively used to this behaviour, that even if she left, she’d seek it out again in a new partner.

    It’s quite possible that the hate toward others, is actually a very deep inner self hatred. Again, we only see in others that which is already within.

    It’s likely he points out the weaknesses in others, because he is afraid of becoming that himself. Ironically, he only becomes more of what he accuses others of being, in the process.

    Have you told him how his behaviour affects you? Have you asked him to sit down and seriously discuss the way he talks to your mother? Have you asked him to consider how it actually sounds?

    Maybe he doesn’t realize how his words actually sound? If he’s been doing it for years, by now he probably doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it, and probably has no idea that it sounds as harsh as it really does.

    But how can he know that, when he’s the one dishing it out, but not the one receiving?

    It’s likely he has a very intense anger problem too. I am glad that you are out of that situation.

    I would guess to venture that you probably have tried talking to your mother about your father, but she probably just brushes it under the carpet, or tells you to move on.

    It’s a very hard situation to be in, when the people who raised you turn out to be in a very intense relationship that is harmful to both, and you have to sit and watch it, powerless.



    So one thing I know for sure is everything is my dad’s fault.

    It still always takes two to tango. If he was that abusive all those years, how come your mom didn’t take you and leave?

    She encourages it by accepting it and allowing it all of this time too.

    Bad behaviour only ever continues if it is allowed to carry on. Bullys can only continue doing it if they feel like they have the room and the time, and the allowance to carry it on. Sometimes bullys gain this ability by picking on people who can’t stop them, like younger kids.

    But sometimes the bully is picking on someone who has all the resources there, all the things to get out, and stop it, yet still the victim does not use any of those tools.

    Part of this is also the fault of the person who sits and takes it in, for years on end.

    And the other part is your fathers, for not thinking he needs help, or not considering that other people have ceilings and limits, and that other people are hurt by his actions and words.


    My sexual abuse was when I left home. Of course I had no clue how to deal with it and then all that stuff with that guy happened.

    Were you looking for a new “father” figure, perhaps? They say that women look for their father in a man, and that men look for their mother in women.

    This means that your father will basically condition you to find the type of man you end up being attracted to, because he is the first man you ever love, the first man who ever teaches you anything, the first man to ever nurture you etc…


    So all of those things that your father either does well or does poorly, end up becoming a part of your conditioning; so subconsciously you bring around men that you don’t realize are actually a lot like your father.

    It’s likely that your abuse situation perhaps stemmed from this same issue. Also this “friend” who got verbally offensive and aggressive toward you, sure sounds a lot like your ‘dad’, when you think about it.

    Belittles you. Is mean. Singles you out etc… Doesn’t think he’s wrong.

    Also, there is no real way for anyone to “have a clue” how to deal with sexual abuse. It’s not something any parent could even teach us anyway, except to tell us to tell someone or call the cops.

    Beyond that, counselling is the only other thing that can begin to take away from the emotional torment, and bring you to a place of comfort in life again. You do deserve to be comfortable again in your life, by the way.



    I never had to take any risks or whatever. There was never any consequences because my dad always fixed everything until I grew up and never told him about my problems because he taught me that remember?

    Perhaps you were very attracted to the idea of risks, after leaving home? Maybe the newfound freedom lured you into everything you never were able to do as a kid: all those risks. All of the thrill now. Without anything to really stop you, it’d be easy to fall into that. You might have not even questioned if anything was really risky after all, because you always had someone to come in to save you, no matter what it was.

    So maybe risky things didn’t seem like a risk anymore, at first glance they probably appeared to be something else you could get involved with, and everything would turn out fine.


    Your dad didn’t really teach you how to be cautious too much. On one hand he said he always fixes his problems; but did he ever talk about maybe preventing them in the first place?

    Obviously he made many mistakes, and you did too… but you guys as a family didn’t seem to spend much time working on preventing the mistakes to begin with. Preventing the harm. Preventing the problem from even starting, so that you don’t even have to get wrapped up in fixing anything.


    He was always really really over protective and never let me deal with anything. That’s like how I take care of my dog who’s like my kid so I don’t know if I’m like my dad too.

    You are a girl. Being a man, he knows that men can sometimes have very ill intentions. You know this by now, after the abuse, that some men really just think of women as this disposable depository bag for them to sexually exploit and nothing more. Some men don’t even consider women to be human, or worthy of human status.

    As harsh as he sounds, he too once went after women for the same reason, that’s how he met your mom. He knows this very well; but the difference is, that he didn’t just leave your mom, he gave her a chance to be a human, to be a part of his life, to have a say.


    Obviously that kind of diminished down over the years, since you said he verbally abuses her. But he likely has reasons for doing that, she isn’t fulfilling his needs somewhere, but he is unable to communicate what those needs are… so instead he just yells, gets mad… in hopes that someone will hear him and understand what he really means.

    Nobody has got it yet, so now he just gets nasty anyway. Probably a habit by now that won’t be broken any time soon.

    We get our nurturing mannerisms from our mothers, and our fathers. Those nurturing mannerisms become part of our complexes; so everyone has a father complex and a mother complex, so long as they had one of each in their childhood to learn from.


    It will take on the role that your parents had, from the perspective you experienced it from, and from your viewpoint of what it means for your father to be a father; and what it means for your mother to be a mother.

    It will not take on what you think the ideal mom or dad should be; however, because that is not how you were conditioned, not how you were trained, and not how you grew up.



    I don’t view these things on purpose. Its like random videos I see on youtube or fb. I honestly do not like watching them but if I see them by accident, it completely crushes me. I’m not even kidding. Do you know how I can stop this from happening again? Its kind of embarrassing. It isn’t like I feel my pain, I just feel their pain and I wish I could help them. I want to help them but I cant see them like that so I just donate.

    I know you don’t do this on purpose. Again, your emotions are controlling you. They are running wild. You are on this emotional rollercoaster, sitting in the seat; while it goes all through the tracks.

    You will have to learn how to understand your emotions, how to stop acting on them, and how to control them; so that you can be in control of how they affect you. This will take some reading of self help books on this very subject, perhaps if you want to raise that with your therapist, it couldn’t hurt.

    Emotions actually come from our thoughts. They start with a thought, and the mind produces a chemical reaction that then causes us to feel.

    Sometimes the mind gets addicted to certain chemicals released from certain emotions, because it basically goes back to the brain re-affects it. The brain may then on purpose trigger certain reactions or thoughts to make you feel that way all over again.

    Love is a great example of this, as when we are in love the first beginning stages of this are a euphoria like state. The brain will do what it can to retain this feeling, but the body can only produce those chemicals for so long. What happens then is the euphoria fades, now we begin arguing with our partners. But the arguments are to replace those chemicals, but this time with another feeling… sadness, anger etc…

    Again, this can be controlled when you learn what your triggers are, and when you start exploring what your core values really are. Your core values are things that you place the most importance on deep down inside. They may be things you expect out of life, or things that you feel make life worth living, or give it the best quality.

    Some people make honest a core value. Some people make health a core value, some people make the need to be appreciated a core value.

    But it will not always slap you in the face and let you know what it is. It takes digging to figure out what your core values and beliefs are. Your inner beliefs and core values always trigger things, when they feel threatened or ignored, or neglected.

    Thus anyone who doesn’t even know that side of themselves will always find themselves often emotionally distraught and won’t really know how to control it.

    Another method is to change your perspective. Someone who speaks greatly on this, and can get you started on that subject is Nick Vujicic. Here:


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zeb-k-XzaI&feature=related

    & Here:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXlCeKBWfaA&feature=related


    He brilliantly discusses how perspective works. It’s not always this thing that happens overnight or you magically get an “attitude change”. He breaks it down, explaining how perspective even works in the first place.

    He’s also very funny. You might like those videos.


    I do have a journal and it helps sometimes but after a while its like choking on me because its still just me.

    Share your journal then. Share it with your therapist, or find another group that you can go over it with. If you need an audience, you can try blogging, but you have to be able to find viewers.


    But I do like your idea of group therapy.

    I like this idea too, it isn’t the best idea for everyone, but sometimes it is a good idea for those who just need a bit more, or need more input from the other end.
     
  10. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    You’re probably right about the helper mentality stuff. He was probably a lost cause. It would all have been worth it if I knew I would stop in the future. Unfortunately I don’t know how to stop myself from being like that.


    Again, it’s a mentality. It’s a part of who you are, coming from a core value deep inside. That core value is the need to feel valued.

    Those who are stuck in the “helper” mindset will almost always feel as if they are not useful or important unless someone else is validating them, and saying that. Thus they often shove themselves into roles where they take on far too much responsibility, or take on too much of someone else’s problem and solve it for them.

    They want to feel like they are valuable, useful, appreciated etc… but the only way they can find that, is really by getting the feedback from others. But it’s a vicious cycle, because when a person begins to start solving too many of anothers’ problems, that person will feel overwhelmed.


    What happens then, is arguments, one person feels too controlled; the helper person sits there wondering why this person is rejecting them, and won’t help themselves.

    But at the end of the day it’s never about who is helping whom, but should be more about who can finally help themselves… and neither can. LOL

    Stopping yourself from being this way would take work, and again would mean you have to read into what this mentality is, where it’s stemming from, what it’s traits are (so you can recognize when you are in this mindset, and slow it down, or stop yourself for a minute and ask yourself if it’s even what you really want to be doing, or if you actually are in need of something deeper).


    It would also mean learning to say “no”, and spending some time putting your needs first. This would have to be done with baby steps, as any time you say no to another, obviously you will be met with some aggression from the other end.

    You will have to learn with the feeling of others feeling disappointed in you, but it’s not for the wrong reasons. Disappointment from others, many times, has nothing to do with you; but rather to do with their mooching off everyone else and expecting everyone else to hand them things or do things for them.

    But as you already know, a person who gets everything they ever wanted, becomes an emotionally unstable person; because then they lose the ability to be satisfied, things start to get messy… and then everything they ever TRULY wanted seems so far away….and everything they don’t truly want is so close and near.



    I feel so guilty if I don’t help the people who are suffering and I cant help but think that if I was in their place I would want to be helped too.

    Some people will suffer anyway. I know it’s bad, but it just happens. You either desensitize yourself to it, by getting rational about it and realizing you are only one human, and you will only do so much, because there is only so much you can do.

    Or you stay away from those things, if it’s really not something you can handle. Some people must shut out the news, and shut out these kinds of websites, because whenever they see it, they just become so emotionally distraught over it.

    The funny thing about help, is even in the worst cases, it’s still always kind of there. It might not be what you wanted for those people or what you think they need, but they have it in their own ways. Some of them create families to get that comfort. Some of them invent ways to get around things (shoes out of plastic bottles, lights made out of bottles in the roof etc…).

    I have come to notice that whenever you see pictures of impoverished parts of India for example; you will often notice the children smiling. You will often see people sorting relaxing a bit.

    Yes those same people might do a ton of labor, or spend most of their lives barely making a living; but it’s all perspective too. If the film maker only wants to show someone being miserable, that is all they will show.

    They will not show the other parts of that persons life then. Obviously the film makers job is to only display that one area, so that they can get sympathy votes and money.

    Never forget that what you are seeing, is still only the choice of the director and film maker. If you really want to get into something, go do a volunteer tour somewhere. Help build a house, or teach; and see for yourself.

    Again I’m not saying it’s not bad either, many things are bad. Some people don’t have any water to drink at all. But there are just many, MANY reasons why this is true, on a global scale. Sometimes it’s because they are at war in their own country (so their own people prevent them from living), sometimes it’s just because the entire country is poor (in debt).

    Sometimes it’s because nobody really knows about them, or helps. Just many reasons, some are fixable with donations and care, others will only be fixable under other circumstances; but that is not something you alone can entirely fix; but rather we as a people must work on in large masses.



    I guess I feel bad because after all that I tried with him to make him feel better, I even ignored it that he assaulted me sexually as well. I thought every time I was listening to him and every time he thanked me and every time he told me he felt better, he meant it.

    Did you feel better though? Obviously not. Why was it all about him? You wanted to feel validated in doing it.

    Never allow a man to do this to you again, under no circumstances. OK? Promise yourself this. Regardless of his excuses or his needs, or his words; that is YOUR need only…and YOUR CHOICE only. It should never be handed out on the basis of someone else’s needs or wants solely.

    He obviously didn’t mean the “thankyou” or the “I feel better now” the way you think he did. He used you; and using somebody like that made him feel better?

    Shame on him.


    But now I’m not sure at all. If he was feeling all that nice, he would have never just started with all the stuff that he did.

    I think you know, but you are scared to admit that you know. You are scared to confront the truth. You admit many things yourself, when talking to me here, your own self realizations.

    It’s clear you have realized by now that you were in a way used, and were lied to, manipulated etc… you do know that he lied about many things, to continue to get “use” out of you. It’s just hard to admit that you allowed this to go on, or that you didn’t know any better at the time. Hard to admit that maybe you were a bit foolish believing his lies, and that you were naïve…thinking he should be trusted, and that he was honest, and a nice guy.

    So very clearly his actions tell another story. You know it, I know it. The truth was never something that was designed to feel like a warm blanket on a cold night… but it can be your saving grace when you finally accept it as what it was, because the truth is not the blanket, but the roof over your head.



    It wasn’t even about me liking him as more than friends. It was just that I thought we were friends and we really did understand each other. What I don’t understand is why he would let all that go for some who**.

    He didn’t want what you had to offer, he only wanted what he wanted. He didn’t “let you go” in the first place, because he actually never wanted anything further from you.

    Anything he said about how you understand each other or get along, are all just lies. Obviously if he thought you had value, he would not let you go. Simple as that.

    But he doesn’t. You, obviously, did not understand him either; you only understood this “person” he made himself out to be, that distracted you from who he really was.


    Seriously, can you explain that? He doesn’t even like her.

    He does like her. If he told you he doesn’t, it was to keep you from raising a stink about it, or getting jealous. Obviously he doesn’t want you getting angry when you realize that he actually has more than one person on the go; so he doesn’t tell you the facts. He lies about it.

    “Oh her? She’s nothing. I hate her. She’s a nobody. I’d never date her. She’s so ugly.”

    All lies.

    Look at the actions! Quit thinking about what he said, and look more into what he is doing.



    And I didn’t just make this thought up. He told me, and so did one of his friends. His friend told me he likes me but I never believed him because he was acting like such an ass.

    Obviously this same group of friends spends their time teaming together and insulting people for fun. A very immature group of people who sound like they belong in a middle school.

    Need proof of this? Retrace that other story you told me about the texts, and the girls being jealous and how he said nobody would text you.

    It’s a game that bully groups play. They bring people into the loop to abuse them, have a laugh, kick them out again.

    Obviously he was acting like an ass, because he was never serious to begin with. This must be one bored group if they have nothing better to do with themselves.



    Yeah, he and every other person liked me more. Didn’t even matter if they actually spent more time with me, it was just that they wanted to and these girls saw that.

    One word: sex. They go to the easiest route. I don’t imagine these girls really offer much else, except sharing the same bully mentality.


    I’m kind of worried I wont be the same again.


    You don’t need to be the same again. You may want to, but that person was the one who got caught up in this mess, right? You need to be a BETTER person this time around.

    Someone who doesn’t get pushed around. Someone who can read the lies. Someone who gets what she wants, and not vice versa.

    Someone who doesn’t get messed around with, and who is not a game to those around her. Someone who is matured, wise, intelligent, worth while, valuable…and anyone would be lucky to have her in their lives… but only when they earn it, and they WOULD do anything to earn this honor.

    So say goodbye to the past. That’s an old you. An old you who didn’t know any better. An old you that people thought they could abuse. An old you who trusted a bit too easily.

    Say hello to a much better you now. One who asks questions, one who wants to know. One who decides for herself.



    I don’t think he judged me after that because I remember he truly felt sorry and rally bad for me. He isn’t someone who’d judge me after all the crap he does.

    You were clearly judged. For someone to call you a nobody, that’s a judgement in itself. In fact, calling you a nobody means that they have basically judged every part of you, and so no worth in any part whatsoever.

    So that is beyond a “judgement”. If he felt sorry, how come he hadn’t properly apologized? He should feel bad for you, but the irony is, he did that to you… then feels bad for you?

    Maybe he feels bad for you, for being such a fool and a victim… without even realizing it. It’s possible even his remorse was a sick twisted mentality as well.

    You’d be surprised who judges whom, and how much of a hypocrite they really are too! There is a saying that goes “Whenever you point a finger, there are always 3 pointing back at you”.

    Remember that, in regard to him. Obviously people who judge don’t spend a whole heck of a lot of time self exploring or thinking about what they are doing wrong, because they are so busy concentrating on what everyone else is doing wrong.



    I told him stuff in the very beginning when we were just starting to get to know each other. Things were fine for a long time after that so it cant be that.

    Still sat in the back of the mind though. Again, don’t tell men or women this right from the beginning. Give it time before you say something like that, I already explained a few reasons why this is important. It’s to your benefit.


    I also never heard him say anything about virginity. Where he’s from, it would be really really rare girls are virgins by the time they’re around 21. In fact I don’t know anyone who is a virgin. So that’s definitely not an issue.

    Its more a matter of how many guys you slept with that determines how ‘pure’ you are. Lol besides, we never even talked about me again after the initial days. It was always his stuff. I was completely fine.

    Well I threw that idea out there. True or not, he still did what he did, and something made him think he could do that to you.

    Why was it always “his stuff”? Selfish much?


    Oh no, I definitely did not want anything from him. Not sex, not a relationship and not emotional support. I spoke to him only because I thought we were friends and maybe I could help.

    You wanted validation. You wanted to feel useful. You wanted to feel appreciated. Nobody helps another without having these deep needs. It’s what drives you to want to do that in the first place.

    I’ll tell you why he spoke to me like that in a private message. And yes, he really did spare no moment. I wish I had been more aggressive. But the only reason I didn’t say anything was because we had the same friends and I needed someone to hang out with.

    It seems really unfair that your “friends” wouldn’t understand that you are having a tiff with someone who is treating you horribly…?

    And that they’d choose him over you, in such a situation?

    Just because you share relationships with others, is no reason ever to let a situation get this out of hand. Abusers, again, only get by when they are allowed to carry on that behaviour and nobody says otherwise.


    Oh, he’s been sexually active al right. Really really active at that. That girl doesn’t really make mean comments or anything. Shes like my frenemy. She wont like attack me or anything because no ones going to be with her on that. But I don’t want to hang out with her anyway. So if you have any ideas why your frenemy would want to hang out with you, I’d be glad to listen. Everyone knows she’s jealous but she isn’t like she openly hates me.

    As long as you know someone is hostile toward you in any way, it’s likely not a good idea to put yourself in a situation to be friends with them… it’s asking for trouble.

    Friends are not supposed to be severely jealous, and hate you for things, and dislike you over stupid stuff. Friends are supposed to be understanding, encouraging, and be willing to sacrifice at times.



    I never told anyone about his personal stuff. He said that if I ever told anyone, he’ll tell every single person he knew about my abuse.

    Who does he really know anyway? Seems like he doesn’t even allow himself that close to anybody to “know” them. And if he ever tells anyone, say the abuser was him. LOL. Push it right back at him.

    What kind of trust is this anyway? “If you tell anyone, I’ll hurt you!”.

    How about “Thanks for listening, I needed to get that out to someone. Please keep it secret”.


    Also, now I’m not planning on being in touch with any of my old friends. But if they keep calling me to hang out I don’t know what I’m going to say to them because I cant be openly rude to them.

    Don’t answer the phone? It’s not like they are forcing your hand to press the button that answers the call. If you do end up caving, only hang out with one person at a time.

    Single them out, so they can’t group up together on you. If they really just want to hang, they will say yes. If they are being bitches, they will say no.

    When he said ‘who would text you’ he meant that everyone else in the group was in constant touch all day about what they were up to but I was the only one who wasn’t because half of them were girls who were jealous and the the other half were guys who were pretty much like his sidekicks.

    Still… who is he to decide if others might want to text you? Pretty brazen of him to decide for that large group of people what each of them should do, in regard to you?

    Yeah if I told him he hurt me and other people find out, then its going to increase his social standing an insane amount and lower mine a lot. Though he has already done some damage because of his hooking up with my roommate.

    That room-mate situation is sticky. Seems like he spends a lot of his time trying to get back at you, even when you are not speaking. Obviously someone who is obsessive.
     
  11. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    Because of what my dad told me every single day I can't tell people my problems no matter how hard I try. I just can't deal with it. I can't sit and talk about it if someone is looking at me. :/
    I also absolutely hate fights. My parents fought every single day and when I grew up I thought I was used to it and wouldn't care if I saw someone else fighting. But it has the exact opposite effect. I can't see anyone fighting. Depending on the intensity of fight/argument it drives me crazy. It's so embarrassing when there's people around but I don't know what I'm supposed to do.*
    And I don't know how many of his problems he doesn't tell anyone. He has so many people in the family he talks to really close. He just likes the attention he gets from being a man. Yeah he points out the weaknesses in my mom. I'm scared of him even now. He verbally abused me too. Every time I tried to fight with him for my mom, he yelled at me and called me names. Then I kind of stopped saying anything and agreeing to everything he was telling me about my mom. Every day i woke up, he told me how my mom was the worst thing that happened to him and how she can't let him live in peace. Every night I saw him, he fought with her. My dog was also scared even though he's a really ferocious breed. So basically every time I saw my dad he was either bitching about her or abusing her. One time he hit her in front of me. I thought I was going to go crazy. I was so shocked because they tell you at school about this stuff and movies but you don't really think this is going to happen. I was going to hit him back. I was so mad. But my mom was holding me back. I'll never forget that day. I didn't speak to him for several days after that.
    He doesn't care they sound harsh. He hates her. He can't stand to be with her. They don't even sleep in the same room.
    my mom said that this is his only weakness because he's so stressed out from work and takes it out on her. I asked her why she never leaves and she's like because he's giving us so much otherwise like he really cares and spoils me. So she asks me to let it go and think of the positive. My mom didn't leave because she said she had financial problems.
    I'm not sure but the more you say it, the more I feel like maybe I was looking for a father figure. Both those guys were abusive and hell, the second one even reminded me of my dad sometimes but I never said it to him because he's so messed up. Does this mean I'll never be attracted to someone who's not *like my dad?
    Also, I see how it's everyone else's fault but what was my fault? Do you think there's anything I could have done to fix it all?
    Omg, I never thought of it but that's exactly how my dad talks to my mother! Can't I put a stop to this? And I never thought I'd be like my dad because I always hated him :/
    When I left home I guess I was in that rebellious phase and that's why I was sexually abused and that's why I knew it was my dad's fault. I remember when I thought of doing something crazy, I'd ask myself why not? And I had no reason to stop myself because earlier the only reason was my dad that I stopped but then he wasn't there.*

    If he just yells and gets mad in hopes someone will understand him, why is he so irrational? He gets mad at my mom for things that don't make any sense at all.

    I saw the video. He is really inspiring.
    I don't know if I seek validation. Its just I like helping people. If I see something miserable and don't do anything I can never forget about it. So I have no option but to help. But seriously I'm going to work on this helper stuff. That's not someone I want to be.
    You mean he went for me because I was the easiest rout or those girls?

    Thanks :) I'm not going to tell anyone anything about me from now till they tell me first. And I'm going to give it my best so this stuff doesn't happen ever again.

    Yeah it's kind of my fault over there because I never said anything to people who were mean to me so that have them the idea that they could continue doing so. It was very wrong of me not to stand up for myself but I hate arguments and I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. That's not going to happen again. I'm not so vulnerable as I was before.
    About why my friends chose him, we hadn't been friends that long and by friends I mean those girls who were already jealous of me. Why would they miss any chance to make me feel like crap?
    Yeah he did try to get back at me for everything I was better than him at, for every single person who was more of my friend than his. Even after all this, I don't know if you're going to believe me but he doesn't dislike me. But I know he's extremely bad for me to be around and he's the worst kind of guy possible. I don't plan on seeing him ever again.
     
  12. strife92

    strife92 New Member

    Hi i just joined this forum and i can tell you i know exactly what you feel like, this woman i was in love with, true love you could call it, who also said she loved me(we were together around 6 months) just stopped talking to me 2-3 months ago, just like that for reasons that dont make sense and everyday since ive been thinking about her, ive wrote so much to her and tried to call millions of times but she just wont answer anything, it was all of a sudden also just out of the blue and she still keeps doing it, first girl i ever truly loved broke my heart so bad and i barely know why. And to me she was my shining light in all this darkness, the thing that kept me going you know, that gave me hope and a reason to live. my thoughts these pasts months have been really dark and i see no end to it, i still try to talk to her, wrote her a long letter yesterday and if you want ill link it to you and you will see i truly love this woman, infact almost everything i wrote to her proves this, i go over all the great times we had and how perfect it was and that i was really happy for the first time ever. some memorable things she said to me would be that i was the best person she ever met and that she will never leave me(infact she often said she thought i would leave her because sometimes she would be busy with her guy friend who she knew for a long time time which she also had a relationship with, so that would make me sad or angry and one of the most important things we had were trust, i would tell her everything and vice versa, and regardless of her saying they only friends and nothing is wrong and what not it still upset me to not be put first when thats all i did for her, but anyway she left and here i am, still in pain and sorrow over the one woman i ever loved and i just dont see an end to these dark thoughts, even darker then before i met her. i have thought alot about suicide but i dont think im really there (yet) because my curiosity in life isnt all extinguished. hope you find relief or whatever in that there is someone who might have it worse than you who keeps hoping atleast a little bit
     
  13. anonymousihs

    anonymousihs Active Member

    thanks for replying :)
    i believe you when you say you truly loved this woman. maybe you should give the whole situation time to cool off before you try contacting her again. she's probably taking you for granted and won't take your calls anyway. give it a few days or a couple of weeks and she might just try and contact you again. i'm glad you still have hope in these dark moments. there's a lot of people here who've been thru a lot too. i hope you find your peace as well. feel free to text me :)
     
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