People often try to bombard us with propaganda that we have worth and suffering if worth it for the happiness we will get later, but what if it's all just a way to stop us from making choices that they don't want to have to deal with. What if life really has very little meaning and for those of us whom aren't as smart or useful really are just less worthwhile? I'm starting to believe that this is the case; you either sink or swim. If you don't have the mind to fight against the harshness of life then maybe you are better off gone. Perhaps if I was another person I'd be amazing enough to write a song or a book about my feelings and make myself millions, but I'm really not that type of person. I think that I'd rather have it all over then to deal with this growing pain for the next 50 or so years. I used to look to the internet as my escape and way of finding people with interests like myself, but like the stupid moth to the flame I ended up mostly just arguing with people and feeling bad about it afterwards. I see what I feel as something to be argued against and can't stop myself from doing so, and if I don't then I run over the what-ifs in my head worrying about the things I didn't try to say. I don't have the mind to make myself feel worthwhile; I'm not that person. Gradually, more and more I return to this feeling; it goes away for a while and I will think about something positive or hear something that will inspire me for a while, but then it goes away and I remember why I'm so sad and afraid. I honestly feel like I can't hold a job anymore amongst other things due to the stress and that's a drain on society and my family. They don't deserve this, but I can't be the type of person they may want or expect them to be; I'm just not good or worthwhile enough. It's painful to discuss this now so I no longer bother. I think that I'm just mentally counting down the days and enjoying what little happiness I have left until it really is too much. It is better this way because I don't have to admit to them how pathetic I truly am. People cope with ten times more than I can which is further proof how how undeserving I am. Thanks for listening.