I can't think. I can barely speak. I just want to spare the world from myself. I can't do it anymore or try. I'll have to stay alone. How can I be there for someone else? I can't. Not like this. Even if I do, it won't be fully. It's not fair to the other person. I'm so selfish and absorbed in myself. I can barely tolerate myself, how can I expect someone else to? You have to give in order to receive, and I only have so much to give right now. I'm exhausted being this person. I want to be fun-loving, comforting, always warm, always quick with a joke and a smile, always there for the people who deserve it. I can't even pretend to be that person. Not right now. I want to hide myself from the world while at the same time wanting and needing to be apart of it. It's torture. I can't write how I want to (every word here I had to force out and I hate them all), I can't think, I'm not who I want to be. I'm no fun anymore. So uptight. Not interesting. Boring. How can I be and do interesting things with my life when my life I'm so overwhelmed with these thoughts and feelings? I don't have room for much else - at least not for very long. I'm not that good of a person. I just want to be a good person. All I do with my life is sit in my room. If I were to die, no one would have much to say about who I was or what I did. I'd only be missed so much. I've got nothing to give to anyone, so I deservedly continue and will carry on being how I've always been - alone.
I'm sorry for the rant and the negativity - I don't like being that way or saying those things. Things got on top of me today....sometimes it's hard to see things in a better way when you're frustrated with yourself and your life. It's not that bad. I'm not so bad. Thanks for reading.
