I'll be gone within 2 weeks.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aircow, Nov 22, 2006.

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  1. Aircow

    Aircow Guest

    I don't know why I'm doing this, this being joining a new forum the week before I commit suicide, but there's no-one in my life who gives a damn, maybe someone here will. Think of this more of a blog than a thread with the replies and the things like that. Sorry to waste your time :(, but thats just what i do.

    Anyway, I'm Fred, and I finished year 12 (17, nearly 18 years of age) 3 weeks ago, the graduation is next weekend, and it's the event i'll be dead before. :(. But, shit happens. EG: Life.
    I'm 17, and have done NOTHING with my life. I don't have a license to drive, i just play shitty guitar with my friends in a shitty band that will lead no-where.

    I've had pretty serious depression since a girl I loved killed herself when I was nearly 16, I don't think it was that which caused it, i think it just triggered it. Whatever the reason.

    To try and combat this depression, I started smoking pot. Then i started smoking pot constantly. It was alright, until the buzz wore off. At which point I started "the hard shit", and have strugged with addiction ever since.

    I'm quite the social reject, and spend many hours a day on the internet. I am the definition of a "failure at life".

    Anyway, there'll be more later. Unless this gets deleted. Then you'll never hear from me again. But that'd be kind of cruel, right?
     
  2. Aircow

    Aircow Guest

    Uh, you can reply and ask questions if you want actually. It feels kinda lonely in this thread all alone.
     
  3. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    hi there aircow, and welcome to the forum :)
    to start with the end, I don't see a reason for deleting this.
    It's a shame you tried to find comfort on drugs, it is mostly adding trouble to trouble, but I understand, and I'm not here to preach. Thing is, the use of them also distorces or worses the way you see things, specially when you start taking them because you hurt.
    You are a very young person yet, and in my opinion it will be enough time to achieve a lot of things.... back here you can't even get your drivers license before your 18th, and I live in a so called develloped european country.
    Spending many hours on internet is also common nowadays, I'm not saying it's healthy, but lot of people do it... I should be doing some householding myself right now too :shy:
    To avoid making this more boring, I just would like to ask you to stay around some more time... you graduate, right? that's great allready, it takes a lot of effort and courage to achieve that when you feel depressed.
    did you get any counselling after the death of your friend? Such traumatic events have a big impact on people and I think professional help can help deal with that.
    I hope you reconsider, talk to us, and know that you are not alone and you sure aren't a faillure, you are young, and your future should be like a door, keep it open and a lot of good things can come in :)
    take care,
    :hug:
    helena
     
  4. Aircow

    Aircow Guest

    The thing is, like, that's what you'd say to like, the random people on the internet people who are the good people. Like, I'm not one of the good people. I'm like, mean to people. Meanest to the people I should be nicest too style thing. :( . Hence I'm at a lonely place. Don't think of me as a victim of society, think of me more of an asshole who's cracked under the guilt of all the shit he does. It's not even has done, as in past tense. I still do awful things to everyone. I just do it. there's no reason, i'm not insane, i'm just a fucking asshole. So much so that people literally would rather die than live with me.

    But yeah. Thanks for writing that though :). At least... I dont even know what to say. sorry.
     
  5. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hiya aircow,,,,,
    it baffles me, 17 and you think youve failed at life, life hasnt even begun for you yet,,,,,, from the age of 4 we are sardine packed into schools and 'taught' how to make decisions and live,,,
    lifes not somthing you either pass or fail at, its something you should just experience, we arnt here long enough to not at least look for somthing we can do, learn,try or simply stand infront of in amazment.
    there are so many things we can touch with, use, or simply watch that can bring us enjoyment, even if its just for a second.
    start small,,simple,,
    i hope you rethink your date,,use it as a date for a new start,, the ending of one part of your life and the begining of a whole new chapter, one you can do and achieve anything in.

    if you ever need to chat,,,
     
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Aircrow I'm sorry you're feeling in such a way and maybe we can get into why you're really feeling like this.Buddy you're only 17 years of age and I know what it's like when life is shit and such a struggle.Don't feel so guilty because guilt becomes a huge part of depression,don't feel isolated we can talk about things no judgement here.
     
  7. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    hey

    i just wanted to say to this part: "I'm 17, and have done NOTHING with my life. I don't have a license to drive, i just play shitty guitar with my friends in a shitty band that will lead no-where."

    Firstly, you're 17, you don't have to have had an amazing life up until now, its not like you're running out of time. What is it they say..tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. So I guess what I'm saying is, providing you re consider you'll probably have more years left than you know what to do with, so you can do something with your life. And just thought I'd mention, i'm 19..I STILL don't have a driving license. I'm dropping out of uni and I have absolutely no idea where the hell my life is going..and i'm two years older than you. But there's still time to get it together. And hey, maybe your band won't "get anywhere" but you still have talent, and thats a great thing to have. And who knows maybe it will..

    When i joined this forum, I, like you was determined to take my life, in fact I only joined because I thought it was a safe place to talk about my feelings, not because i wanted talking out of it in any way, ok so I didnt really get quite how pro life a pro life forum is. But anyway, my point was, I'm still here. And yeah ok I havent actually got to my "date" yet but I'm pretty certain that when it comes I won't do it. I hope that soon, you will be able to feel the same way. I hope that you can start to get some better help with your depression, then maybe you'll start to see how much life and opportunity still does lie ahead of you. It must have been really hard to deal with the suicide of the girl you loved, and I'm sure this is the last thing you want to hear, but think for a moment about how it would affect the people around you if you were to go ahead with this, and don't think for a moment that no one would care. There's always someone.
     
  8. Serene

    Serene Member

    To me it seems that most suicidal people are either very young, or 50+. So chances are if you manage to go on, you'll be much more content with your life for at least 3 decades, or a lifetime.

    Do me a favor and read 'Run baby run' by Nicky Cruz. Add that to your list of things you still want to do. :)
     
  9. winter

    winter Well-Known Member

    Hey, Aircow, you should attend your graduation ceremony. One proof that you are not a "failure at life" is the graduation itself! Imagine those people who dropped out of high school. Are you going to college? (Well, you likely have literally nothing planned for after two weeks from now) but I think you should live @ least long enough to try it. I'm in my 2nd year and a lot of doors have opened. Btw, when I took my behind-the-wheel test last year (18 yrs. old), I was like the youngest in line. Hmm..so, it's nice to meet you, Fred!! I also play guitar! I'm not in a band right now, @ least you have one. Make a demo.. Ok, later!! :hug:
     
  10. Beachboy

    Beachboy Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    I can appreciate how awful the death of your friend must have been and from the sounds of things you seem really guilty about it. These and other negative emotions are understandable and that coupled with a graduation (contrary to what some people think they can be very stressful times especially when you suffer from low self-esteem) must be making your head feel like imploding.

    Two things... Smoking pot is now really dangerous if you consider that the drug in the plant that gives the high is now 500% stronger than in the sixties. Blame GM crops for that baby! It will not help your mind think rationally (trust me I am saying this to myself as I am saying it to you!!!) so maybe give yourself awareness in that department. You use the word addiction so that proves you still have connection with your inner self.

    The other point is that you may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress but any medical intervention may help you. A doctor may point you in the right way or maybe a friend but in reality you may feel like talking to anyone so maybe initially you can talk to a helpline like the Samaritans or as you like the computer so much try emailing them... It relly helped me.

    Don't give up mister. You can really use this experience to your advantage. Oh and I am sure with practice and a sense of humour your guitar playing will improve. Don't be so hard on yourself.

    Beachboy x
     
  11. Aircow

    Aircow Guest

    I stayed up exceptionally late last night talking with a really close friend of mine, who also takes the hard drugs, and he seemed to think that I was silly. He implied that killing myself won't achieve anything, as I'm already dead or something.

    Luckily for me, I then talked to one of my still living ex girlfriends, as apparently some dick informed her of my newfound dislike for life. Anyway, she hassled me until nearly 4 in the morning that I shouldn't kill myself, and she gave all these bullshit generic reasons as to why i shouldn't.

    The thing is, the generic reasons such as "you're a great person" and "the future is so bright" don't apply to me.

    Unfortunaletely, I seem to be one of these losers who can't help themselves. I mean, I'd be in a far better place if i didn't smoke weed or take heroin, but it just seems so impossible not to. To me, it seems as essential to become "Numb" as it is to eat every day. Numb is what I become when I'm on drugs, and thats when I'm at my happiest. It was this thought train that led me to this decision, IE, Suicide. If drugs make me numb, and that makes me happy, then dying would make me feel NOTHING, aka total numbness. Following my logic, I should be at peace.

    I think i've gone off track. :(. With my post, not just life i mean.
    Anyway, what I started to say is I've decided to do something to improve my life during the last week and a half i have left, like trying to find a girlfriend (albeit in vein) and i've also been trying to get some work.

    I figure, if i somehow obtain these things, the void of empty which is my life might be filled, and the guilt which kills me might take the back seat. I doubt it, but shit. I gotta do something..

    This post is absolute shit. :(. I guess the fragmented structure of things in my post outline how fragmented and hard to manage my life is.

    I'm not even high, and this is how fucked i am.
     
  12. Aircow

    Aircow Guest

    And a sincere thankyou to everyone who's replied to this thread.
     
  13. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hiya aircow,,
    just a sugestion,,,,,,,,,, mabey you should try and quit the drugs before inviting anyone else into your life or trying to hold down a job. the drugs will only distort your judgment and cloud your mind, making it harder to get a job or a girl and even harder to keep them if you do manage to find them.
     
  14. Aircow

    Aircow Guest

    My friend, if it were that simple, I wouldn't be trying to kill myself. I wish I could quit drugs. Unfortunately, I lack willpower, and even if I had willpower, withdrawals would suck. :(. I'm that lame I don't even try anymore.

    Anyway, I've NOW decided it's selfish to try and "latch on" to someone else's happiness, and I'll resume my path.
     
  15. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    no one ever said it was simple,, nothing in lilfe worth having ever is.
    dont give up,,,, dont quit before youve started,,,,,,,there are people you can go to for help outside your family. mabey your therapist could give you some help and advice on quitting the drugs,, theres nothing wrong with at least asking.
    please dont give up,,,,
     
  16. Beachboy

    Beachboy Well-Known Member

    I smoke cigarettes and I can cope with no smoking for about half a day and then BAM I'm having one without thinking.

    Addiction wether it be alcohol, drink, gambling, sex, work is a specific area to consider and I am no expert. I do know however through my reading that it is treatable. Take the brave step and go see your doctor. You need options and smoking and heroin is really limiting in that respect. The numbness only lasts for so long.

    One step at a time. Relationships can wait I think. You need to build a relationship with yourself.... That's exactly what I am doing!!!

    Good luck!

    Beachboy x
     
  17. Deadxflower

    Deadxflower Member

    Look, i dont know anything, its a confusing state for us all to be in, but I can relate to wat you have said. The bit about being a social reject, I am back in a rut, stuck in the house due to social anxiety disorder. I too spend way too much time online, which in a way sets me back more, just distracts me from the truth that is; im a waster and have no life/real friends etc.

    Anyways, to the point. Personally it sounds like you dont really want to die, you just dont want to live the life youre living now. You have an interest at least- u said u play guitar in a band, and it doesnt matter how successful the band is- at least you are doing something, music is a very effective way of expressing your emotions, so maybe use youre personal experiences with this depression etc, and put your feelings/thoughts into words, then form lyrics frm that and tht would make you feel lighter getting all the shitty mess out yr head.. and the fact that your expressing YOUR feelings.. it would be sumthing to feel really proud of, and everyone loves music with a meaning!


    Anyways, im talking shit, and you probably think-fuck off, silly cow, who are you to preach anything to me. You also probably think what I have suggested is fukin ridiculous etc.. like it would ever work/you could ever be arsed like. But thats the attitude thts landed us in such a mess, being defeatest and having no aspirations etc. Success doesnt just happen overnight... and we all feel that 'that' job/college course/uni course is a waste of time, its a case of lookin forward and telling yrself you CAN and you WILL ACHIEVE at least SOMETHING in your life.

    Just hold on, take each day as it comes, and so what if you havent reached previous goals in the past.. it isnt FAILURE, its a learning process, that method didnt work, so take another route and keep trying.

    :smile:
     
  18. Aircow

    Aircow Guest

    Update:

    I haven't posted recently because I OD'd.

    somewhat deliberately.

    As you can tell, unfortunately i didn't die.

    But yeah. Graduation is in 2 nights. I won't be attending.

    Goodbye.
     
  19. drutten30

    drutten30 New Member

    Aircow, the only thing you can do is to fight back against your problem.You are only 17years old.Think about the love ones.You must have somone to talk to.Sometimes pills helps against depresion,its not the solution.You must find yourself, and by smoking pot only helps for the moment:sad:
     
  20. Beachboy

    Beachboy Well-Known Member

    This may help!

    AWAKEN THE GIANT WITHIN by Anthony Robbins

    Sure it is very gung ho and loud (actually that is a good thing... like a wake up call!) but it is a wonderfully reaffirming book and may help you change how you see things. I am half way through and my life has already changed dramatically!

    Hope this finds you well!

    Beachboy x
     
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