I'll die another day.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by riz, Jan 6, 2008.

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  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I'm such a failure. For sure.

    I'm back in the dumps again. For me, it's seasonal. I can be good for a while, then it will fall on me again suddenly. I'm sharpening the blades for another self-inflicted afternoon. And I'm actually excited about it. How disturbing is that?

    My best friend doesn't ask the right questions.
    He lets me be alone.
    Bad choice.
    He should corner me like my old best friend did.
    Ask me for my secrets.
    Protect me from myself.

    But no.
    He lets me be my own person.
    And I love him for that.

    I cried all the way home.
    I drowned out my thoughts with music.
    Then pulled to the nearest drive thru offering heart attacks on a bun.
    McDonalds was my drug of choice tonight.

    I ordered
    3 cheese burgers
    1 large fry
    4-piece chicken nugget
    large drink.

    I ate it all.
    Then pulled over to the side of the road to purge it.
    Thank goodness for that.
    I don't need to get fatter.

    I got home.
    Made some marks on my leg.
    Turned the music up so I could cry about it.
    Then wished I had some weed so I could get high.

    I smoked for the first time 2 days ago.
    And let me tell you,
    it was awesome.

    I've never felt so lost,
    but I've never felt so found.
    It was incredible.

    Then I smoked last night again.
    Now I can see why people get into it.

    I tried to smoke with my friend tonight
    but she had other plans.
    So I was forced to be conscious for this one.

    I'm planning on getting my own pipe
    and maybe some weed of my own.
    I'm planning on smoking myself silly
    so I don't have to live this life outside my bubble.

    Before I sleep tonight, I plan on making a few more marks,
    maybe cry about it when I'm done.
    Then hopefully sleep will chase me into the morning.
    And unfortunately, I'll wake up to the same shit.

    I hope everyone else can escape it.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling so poorly, but glad you have decided to continue on. I hope you are able to find the type of support you need to help you move forward find healing. :hug:
  3. Morning_Glory

    Morning_Glory Member

    Maybe you should try talking to your best friend about what you go through and how you feel. He may understand.

    Try not to get into drugs too. Although smoking may help you escape the pain, it's only temporary. In time, you may still feel how you feel, even when you're high, so you'll begin to seek stronger drugs that you may begin to feel dependent on which will only make things worse, especially for you as a person.

    Hang on hun, I'm sure things will get brighter for you =)
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