I'll Die, it's just a matter of when I man up to finish the job !

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fantomina Bishop, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. Fantomina Bishop

    Fantomina Bishop New Member

    I recently lost my bf. I cheated, because of my FOD disorder. Idk… why I did it, but after I did…I felt a type of guilt I can’t seem to ignore. The guilt follows me everywhere I go. Most of all I lost the only person who ever really did show me: 1) Love 2) Respect 3) Kindness 4) Care. Everyday I run from my past, by trying to distract myself 24/7. However, I have learned ignoring my pain is only making it worse. I have cried every night and day for over a year and I still am not over him. I am beginning to feel like its too late. It has been well over 6 months now and I still am not over him like people said I would be. Every day I create plans to try and win my ex back includ(ing) :

    1) Changing altering my appearance/ using make-up to disguise myself so they can’t recognize me and we can be together again or at least try to seduce him so we can have sex.

    So far, this is my only plan. I have been on a online dating site for many months and I have failed to meet anyone I am even remotely attracted to personality or physical wise. I find myself thinking that I will never again rekindle that special spark or feeling I had with my ex. I have since been very much alone since my break up.

    I have tried to pretend like I have no emotions/don’t cry/am tough and every night I have devastating nightmares.I rarely get more than four hours of sleep a night and live the rest of the waking day on caffeine.

    I have also tried to release myself of being taken care of by anyone ( I relied on my ex to care for me for the past 8 yrs) and became independent financially etc and this still hasn’t worked in improving my life or made me any happier. All I feel is sadness and emptiness on a regular basis. Not even my child brings me joy.

    I found a therapist and I had hope this would make me better or at least help and it seriously has not helped me…period! I am tired of living depressed and never knowing what an orgasm would be like since I have been diagnosed with lifelong female orgasmic disorder.

    I seriously am starting to feel like drinking myself to death or killing myself in some kind of way is the only way to escape the nightmare I have come to exist in. I never eat or sleep and I can barely think half the time. This is no way to live and I don’t wish to live in this nightmare I have come to know over the past year and a half any longer.

    PS: Recently awarded custody to my abusive baby daddy ( not the ex I still love) ,because I feel like I am too unfit to care for a child and I will be becoming homeless, since I have no family/friends or anywhere else to go to live.

    I also can’t go to the doctor or any type of emergency service since there all full and I have no insurance.
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Firstly-I'm very sorry that you are in such a bad space in your head right now. Secondly-I'm not a professional therapist, I'm a survivor of chronic depression with suicidal compulsions. It seems to me like you are trying to distract yourself from yourself with all of the schemes you've created to get people to like and notice you (particularly the ex BF). If you don't work on yourself (by yourself) even if you get your ex back-the story will end the same. You spoke of pretending that you have emotions you don't have-pretending to feel things that you don't really feel, it's all play-acting that is meant to persuade people to feel a certain way about you-these are more attempts to distract yourself away from yourself. The thing is (and I know this from personal experience) until you get right with yourself, all relationships will be fractured and painful for you.

    This is because you care more about what other people think about you than what you think about yourself. You need people to like and approve of you because you don't like or approve of yourself. As long as you are dependent upon the love of others to love yourself there will be heartbreak and pain-it's not that you don't deserve to be loved, it's just that people are often unreliable and disloyal, usually for reasons that have nothing to do with you. It is very hard to find genuine, honest people to be friends with-even harder to find a soul mate who will stay with you through thick and thin. My advise (for what it's worth) is that you stop looking outside of yourself for signs that you are lovable and you matter-and start finding ways to fall in love with yourself :)
    AJE likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am sorry that things are so hard for you right now. I hope that you find somewhere safe to live. Are there any social services that might be able to help you?
  4. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    When it's over..it's OVER.
    I heard a old man give that advice.Until you accept that(difficult!)you'll always be in limbo.As for these unfortunate events that plague you right now,they will pass just like everything in life.I've seen people in your situation(Hell .I've been in it too)..turn it around.. .The love/ regret thing can really destroy your mind..it's horrible I know I'm sorry.I deal with those thoughts on a daily basis.Get your financial house in order then you can deal with the other stuff later.It'll be worth it...It hurts to hear another human has to feel pain like this..it sucks.You are in my prayers.
    AJE likes this.
  5. Fantomina Bishop

    Fantomina Bishop New Member

    Sorry, but I am not looking for attention or anything like that. I just want to win back the one person who made me feel alive and I want to laugh again. If I had him back my life would be better again. If only even as a friend. I will never feel good about or like myself. That is something I just will never be able to change and I have to accept that.
  6. Fantomina Bishop

    Fantomina Bishop New Member

    No, no one can help me
  7. Fantomina Bishop

    Fantomina Bishop New Member

    It's been years and I definitely won't be alive by Christmas. It will not "just pass." I have been through many heartbreaks in the past. I am very honest with myself about my situation. I can't get my financial house in order, I can't find a job nor could I work even if I wanted to. I am too depressed.