I recently lost my bf. I cheated, because of my FOD disorder. Idk… why I did it, but after I did…I felt a type of guilt I can’t seem to ignore. The guilt follows me everywhere I go. Most of all I lost the only person who ever really did show me: 1) Love 2) Respect 3) Kindness 4) Care. Everyday I run from my past, by trying to distract myself 24/7. However, I have learned ignoring my pain is only making it worse. I have cried every night and day for over a year and I still am not over him. I am beginning to feel like its too late. It has been well over 6 months now and I still am not over him like people said I would be. Every day I create plans to try and win my ex back includ(ing) : 1) Changing altering my appearance/ using make-up to disguise myself so they can’t recognize me and we can be together again or at least try to seduce him so we can have sex. So far, this is my only plan. I have been on a online dating site for many months and I have failed to meet anyone I am even remotely attracted to personality or physical wise. I find myself thinking that I will never again rekindle that special spark or feeling I had with my ex. I have since been very much alone since my break up. I have tried to pretend like I have no emotions/don’t cry/am tough and every night I have devastating nightmares.I rarely get more than four hours of sleep a night and live the rest of the waking day on caffeine. I have also tried to release myself of being taken care of by anyone ( I relied on my ex to care for me for the past 8 yrs) and became independent financially etc and this still hasn’t worked in improving my life or made me any happier. All I feel is sadness and emptiness on a regular basis. Not even my child brings me joy. I found a therapist and I had hope this would make me better or at least help and it seriously has not helped me…period! I am tired of living depressed and never knowing what an orgasm would be like since I have been diagnosed with lifelong female orgasmic disorder. I seriously am starting to feel like drinking myself to death or killing myself in some kind of way is the only way to escape the nightmare I have come to exist in. I never eat or sleep and I can barely think half the time. This is no way to live and I don’t wish to live in this nightmare I have come to know over the past year and a half any longer. PS: Recently awarded custody to my abusive baby daddy ( not the ex I still love) ,because I feel like I am too unfit to care for a child and I will be becoming homeless, since I have no family/friends or anywhere else to go to live. I also can’t go to the doctor or any type of emergency service since there all full and I have no insurance.