I'll do it myself (I'm sorry)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arthur523, May 8, 2011.

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  1. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    This is just something I need to say and get off my chest (even though I'm not saying this to the people that need to hear it).

    First off, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being my miserable pathetic self. I foolishly kept thinking that I could change for the better. I should have given up long ago before I made things even worse. I hope that you believe me when I say that I did NOT KNOW ALL THE PAIN I WAS CAUSING TO OTHER PEOPLE. I had no fucking clue that I was single-handedly causing so much pain to other people. No one, in my whole pathetic life, has ever told me anything about what has been happening out in the real world. I guess I was lucky to be "blissfully ignorant" for as long as I had been... but I sort of wish I had known earlier so that I could have erased myself even earlier. I feel like I murdered someone while I was sleep walking and am now finally waking up from my long slumber and I now must do what is right.

    "I'll do it myself" is the name of this thread, and that is exactly what I will do. It's the only way to punish myself fairly, and I can at least feel somewhat at peace knowing that I did what I had to do.
  2. Itsme:)

    Itsme:) Well-Known Member

    Do you want to say how you have hurt people?

    You don't need to punish yourself <3 x
  3. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    I've been... how do you describe it... a complete A$$HOLE to people. I've exuded negativity rather than positivity. I had people my whole life pretend to be my friend because they either felt a) sorry for me, or b) like I could change one day. But the truth is: it is too late. I have gone too long being my pessimistic and depressive self. I'm 23 years old. If I haven't learned by now, I never will. If I keep living and don't improve, then all I'm going to do is hurt more and more people. I'd rather just die young before I get "stuck" in my ways. Oh wait, I already am!
  4. the masked depressant

    the masked depressant Well-Known Member

    please don't do anything

    talk to us in sted
  5. Itsme:)

    Itsme:) Well-Known Member

    That wont be the only reason they have stuck around, they will care about you
    You shouldn't put pressure on yourself to improve so much, chances are you don't need improving
    Everyone is allowed to be negative or depressive at times, even if you are more than you'd like to be that will change, are you getting any proffesional help?

  6. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    I've been receiving professional help for almost 3 years now. I've been in and out of my local psych ward 4 times. All I'm doing is vegetating... a very miserable, pathetic and depressive vegetable at that. I'm never going to be TRULY happy. I'd be somewhat content with living a miserable and pointless life, but not if I'm bringing down the people around me. That alone makes me want to kill myself... miserable life + making other people miserable... it just feels like it is the right thing to do now. All the people who would miss me would understand why I did it, and all the people that I've caused pain will be happy that I'm finally gone. There's nothing in the world that could keep me alive, I've made up my mind. I can't be helped. I would have gotten better by now if that was the case.
  7. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    Punishing yourself will not make them feel any better. if you are feeling this way because you know how you have made other people feel, you wont be helping yourself.
    don't do anything to harm yourself,
    talk to us, were listening
  8. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    reading your post made me cry...you are 23!!!! you are no way set in your ways..like many here i have no idea about what goes on in the real world and i dont want to...i am best in my bubble, and thats all you have done, create a safe bubble for you to retreat to, and no one has the right to kick you out of it.

    i could waffle on, but basically you are 23...you have lots and lots of time to learn and change...give it a go...but in the meantime,. keep posting here for al the support you need :hug:
  9. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    I didn't want to end up the way I ended up, and I didn't want to end up hurting people either... but if I continue to stay alive, then I will continue to hurt people, and by me knowing this fact, then that makes me at fault. Now that I have come to grips with this, the only thing that I can do to make things better is end my life and end the pain that I have been inflicting.
  10. Itsme:)

    Itsme:) Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that things aren't looking better, but... well
    brief explanation about why I joined SF, my friend is depressed a lot of the time she has attempted to kill herself when i've been asleep (thankfully i woke up) etc
    And i know she feels the exact same that you do, that she is dragging me down, causing me misery and i'd be happier if she was gone
    But thats not the case at all, and i know that if you have people that have stuck around they will not want you gone, they may at times be worried but thats only because of the thought of losing you, not that you're make them sad
    They'll want you to open up to them, if you're sad talk to them after all they are whats keeping you here

    Stay strong, this isn't the time you have lots of support from different angles
    They will want you here, as do us on SF
  11. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to stay inside my depressed and miserable bubble any more, I want to live, at best, a normal and fulfilling life just like everyone else. No one can figure out what's wrong with me, not even myself.
  12. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    who cant figure out whats wrong with you, obv you are depressed, but what is causing it. have you seen a doc about how you feel, are you on meds.

    dont give up, explore every avenue, in the meantime, we are here for you
  13. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    however deep your depression the professionals will fix you. you say you have been in phyc 4 times, they must have had a reason to discharge you each time, were you recovering?
  14. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    The only thing that makes me feel happy are illegal drugs. I can't live life as a heroin addict, I'd rather die. I'm hoping that in Heaven I can be happy without needing a thing. I'll reunite with my family and we can all be happy and love each other.
  15. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    Are there no legal anti-depressants that keep you happy, getting dependent on illegal drugs would not help, just add something else :(

    If you use them because they simply make you happy there are alternatives, or do you use them to go beyond happy, out of the normal mind, away from everything. is that what you need to be able to be happy?
  16. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    ok..so you use drugs...i drink for the same reason. we are hiding from reality. if i understand your post you have religious beliefs, so lets explore this...you wont be with family as suicide is frowned on...if you want to be with family you just have to wait.

    try and focus on what your family would want...sorry in tears...i have to close
  17. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Arthur,
    You obviously have friends here.. Or no one would reply to you..You don't need to kill yourself.. Your only 23, you have plenty of life choices ahead of you..Your family will take this hard..I know this because I have tried three times to commit.. Obviously it didn't work.. Spend as much time as you can with them..
    You will feel the love..Do you have a GF?? Someone you are close to that you can open up to.. If not have you tried therapy?? I was in therapy for five years..It helped alot..It's not a quick fix, you have to put a lot of time and effort into it for it to work...Take Care!!!
  18. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the kind words stranger.

    My situation is a lot more complicated than meets the eye. I obviously don't have an easy fix. In fact, it is unknown if I even have a "fix." I've been battling depression for so long that I honestly can't remember (other than when I was on drugs) the last time I felt happy. I think it was back when I was like 6 years old or something. Back when I was playing with bugs out in my backyard or something. I've got mental issues as well as depression. I'm not going to ever be "normal." That's all I want to be, too. Just going through life as a normal happy person. I've come to grips that I will probably never achieve this and I'm ready to move on to the next "life."
  19. lancashirelass

    lancashirelass Well-Known Member

    I'm alwaus here if you ever want to talk but please don't blame yourself.
  20. marmite175

    marmite175 New Member

    im with u there,15 here and i feel like im the person who actually causes pain and only me.
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