I'm not sitting on the edge looking down right now. But I'm walking to where the road ends. I feel the goodness sometimes. I can understand how people can live life everyday knowing how easy it is for it all to slip. I just don't want to be a person anymore. I hate feeling like I'm in the middle. My life is never really all that great for me. But I also haven't been to the deepest parts of my depression lately. I was almost ready to hang myself this time last year, and I've never really shaken that idea since. I want it back so badly, that unbelievably empty, sickening, crushing, unbearable depression. I want something to tip the scale for me. I need a reason to live, or a reason to not cling to life anymore. Those sounded the same, but they are not. I can't sit here in the middle forever. I'm terrified of living without the shelter of being a child, but it's time for me to be an adult. I don't know if I can live a life out in the world without being medicated, or drunk, or high. I'm starting college and I used to look forward to that, I thought it was going to be soooo much better than high school. I don't think I can handle college, I have to rely on myself too much, and I'm so weak and empty I don't want to do it. The band Bright Eyes, every song I can find a relatable emotion. Eminem feels it to. I don't know why I cut myself. It used to be just to understand the feeling of it, but I like to hurt my body, hurt myself to feel better about being me. When I let myself down, I hurt myself because I deserve it. I want to take it farther, deeper, more, I want it to get to a point where I feel good after, not just better. I think I might go back to the doctors. I sit and think that if I could swallow enough pills, maybe add vodka to the mix, then I would get sick. I might never wake up once I pass out, or I would wake up in a hospital and everyone would know. Then I could get the help without having to ask. But that's also a reason I just came up with. I tried to cut my wrist a little last night. Just to see how difficult it would be to get to the veins. It's harder to slice my wrist than to cut my legs. I think I might be afraid of pushing too hard and not being able to control the cut. I have some pills in my little tin. A perk 10, a Xanax, a acetaminophen and codeine tablet, a seroquel, and 6 Tramadol. I could crush the perk or Xanax, maybe take a few of the tramadol, or the seroquel and sleep until this time tomorrow night. I don't think I want to do any of those things. I don't feel bad enough to want to run away. Not necessarily "bad enough" just not the right kind of bad. I run from shallow emotion. Typically just anger. I think Max might come over, I never smoked weed until a few nights ago. I don't think I like it. I probably wont smoke with him if he comes over and offers. I don't want to eat, or cut, or get high. I want to sit somewhere out side and just feel ya know. I'm glad I can come to this place whenever I want and I can type whatever I want to whoever I want. It's better than writing in a notebook because I want someone to read this. If someone reads it, and gives me a response I know it's real. I know it's not just something I've made up for myself. I need validation in order for me to move on in my head. I mean move on and not just forget. I'll forget about how I feet tonight by tomorrow, because it will be replaced with another depressed mood and other thoughts that occur in the moment. I want someone in my life. I've been getting sentimental like that lately. Remembering the feelings me and Dana exchanged, makes me want it again. If I ever had it again, I'd try to not abuse the emotions we shared. I was too cowardly with Dana, I used her to listen rather than to just share myself. I'm sure there's a difference in there that someone out there will understand. My wrist hurts from rubbing on the edge of my desk while I type. I think I might start using the diary that the site offers. I don't want to because people can't comment back. And that's what I like most about sharing on here. Someone out there cares about how I feel right now, and genuinely wants me to feel better. I just get to a place in my head and in my life where I want to crumble and want to stop existing. I don't want to struggle against all of the bad just to find the good. It's selfish and hurtful for me to quit living right now. I don't want to feel the bad anymore. I want the good. Maybe just to feel nothing at all.