I'll Give Myself 3 Days.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jakesaysrelax, Jul 13, 2012.

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  1. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    I'm not sitting on the edge looking down right now.
    But I'm walking to where the road ends.

    I feel the goodness sometimes.
    I can understand how people can live life everyday knowing how easy it is for it all to slip.
    I just don't want to be a person anymore.
    I hate feeling like I'm in the middle.

    My life is never really all that great for me. But I also haven't been to the deepest parts of my depression lately.
    I was almost ready to hang myself this time last year, and I've never really shaken that idea since.
    I want it back so badly, that unbelievably empty, sickening, crushing, unbearable depression. I want something to tip the scale for me.

    I need a reason to live, or a reason to not cling to life anymore.
    Those sounded the same, but they are not.
    I can't sit here in the middle forever.

    I'm terrified of living without the shelter of being a child, but it's time for me to be an adult.
    I don't know if I can live a life out in the world without being medicated, or drunk, or high.
    I'm starting college and I used to look forward to that, I thought it was going to be soooo much better than high school.
    I don't think I can handle college, I have to rely on myself too much, and I'm so weak and empty I don't want to do it.

    The band Bright Eyes, every song I can find a relatable emotion. Eminem feels it to.
    I don't know why I cut myself.
    It used to be just to understand the feeling of it, but I like to hurt my body, hurt myself to feel better about being me.
    When I let myself down, I hurt myself because I deserve it.
    I want to take it farther, deeper, more, I want it to get to a point where I feel good after, not just better.

    I think I might go back to the doctors.
    I sit and think that if I could swallow enough pills, maybe add vodka to the mix, then I would get sick.
    I might never wake up once I pass out, or I would wake up in a hospital and everyone would know.
    Then I could get the help without having to ask. But that's also a reason I just came up with.
    I tried to cut my wrist a little last night. Just to see how difficult it would be to get to the veins.
    It's harder to slice my wrist than to cut my legs. I think I might be afraid of pushing too hard and not being able to control the cut.

    I have some pills in my little tin.
    A perk 10, a Xanax, a acetaminophen and codeine tablet, a seroquel, and 6 Tramadol.
    I could crush the perk or Xanax, maybe take a few of the tramadol, or the seroquel and sleep until this time tomorrow night.
    I don't think I want to do any of those things. I don't feel bad enough to want to run away.

    Not necessarily "bad enough" just not the right kind of bad. I run from shallow emotion. Typically just anger.

    I think Max might come over, I never smoked weed until a few nights ago. I don't think I like it. I probably wont smoke with him if he comes over and offers.

    I don't want to eat, or cut, or get high.
    I want to sit somewhere out side and just feel ya know.

    I'm glad I can come to this place whenever I want and I can type whatever I want to whoever I want.
    It's better than writing in a notebook because I want someone to read this.
    If someone reads it, and gives me a response I know it's real. I know it's not just something I've made up for myself.
    I need validation in order for me to move on in my head. I mean move on and not just forget.
    I'll forget about how I feet tonight by tomorrow, because it will be replaced with another depressed mood and other thoughts that occur in the moment.

    I want someone in my life.
    I've been getting sentimental like that lately.
    Remembering the feelings me and Dana exchanged, makes me want it again.
    If I ever had it again, I'd try to not abuse the emotions we shared. I was too cowardly with Dana, I used her to listen rather than to just share myself.
    I'm sure there's a difference in there that someone out there will understand.

    My wrist hurts from rubbing on the edge of my desk while I type.
    I think I might start using the diary that the site offers.
    I don't want to because people can't comment back. And that's what I like most about sharing on here.
    Someone out there cares about how I feel right now, and genuinely wants me to feel better.

    I just get to a place in my head and in my life where I want to crumble and want to stop existing.
    I don't want to struggle against all of the bad just to find the good.
    It's selfish and hurtful for me to quit living right now.

    I don't want to feel the bad anymore.
    I want the good.

    Maybe just to feel nothing at all.
  2. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Sending you lots of hugs thoughts and well wishes. Reading what you wrote felt like you were writing down exactly how I feel myself. Its crazy to think that a stranger can be feeling the same way, but comforting at the same time. Hope you are okay. Keep us posted on how you are.
  3. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    It usually doesnt help me when people say they know how I feel. But the fact you can decipher what I was saying, and relate to it yourself makes me feel better.
    I just keep rising and falling lately, and it puts me in a place where I just don't want to feel anymore, I don't want to be myself for a while.

    Thanks for replying.
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