I'll just fucking copy from my journal.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Dec 10, 2007.

  1. Before I fuck off to school, let me just say something.

    I have had zero amount of sleep from last night. My hamster was up on it's wheel. I removed the wheel. She was jumping everywhere. I'm so close from taking her back, and I really don't want to but I can't just function on no sleep.

    I am pissed off beyond belief. My mother and sister are fucktards who I wish will just, FUCKING PISS OFF FOR ONCE! I want them to feel everything I feel, ah, they won't be so fucking cold to me then will they? NO! THEY WON'T! Fucking bitches.

    My ''brother'' hates me and is ignoring me and no longer gives a damn, JOY, I DON'T CARE, I've always been alone, that's how it is, that's how it should be, that's how it'll always be, and yes, it's my damn fault it's that way because I'm such a stuck up fucked up retard I make it that way, lovely, like I care.

    At school, I am not fucking holding back from beating the shit out of anyone today. I am gonna go into school, I'm gonna go to the only person I can talk to (June) and I'm going to hug her and I'm going to cry so violently. I'm going to cry. And I'm not going to stop. I'm going to scream and shout and curse and I'm going to get myself excluded today. You watch.

    Oh and I don't give a shit what anyone says anymore, not like they care, so I'm going to fast today onwards, I'm not going to ever fucking eat again, least THAT in my life I can control. ME. NOT my MUM. NOT my SISTER. NOT my SOCIAL WORKER. NOT my SCHOOL. BUT ME!

    Oh yes, some fucking birthday tommorow will be.

    SOME FUCKING BIRTHDAY IT'LL BE!

    Fuck it. I don't give a shit. SO WHAT IF I'M 15, OH WOW, LIKE ANYONE CARES! If anyone did care they wouldn't ever fucking leave me alone like this and they wouldn't hurt me so much.

    Fuck you all. Fuck you all!
     
  2. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    People might think they can control what you do, but they can't really. There's a lot more you can control besides eating (or not eating). Nobody can ever control your mind and your heart, for example. And you can probably refuse to let them control most of the other things in your life as well..... you'll get in loads of trouble, most likely, but if it's really important to you it will probably be worth it.

    BTW, just 'cause you're alone doesn't mean that's how it should be. You're probably just different than most people, and quite frankly, that's a good thing. Everyone tries to be "normal" and they end up becoming boring and bitter. I'd rather be alone than be "normal". Though, I'm not alone. Once I was finally out of school, I started finding other people more like me. Maybe you will too.
     
  3. taranama

    taranama Well-Known Member

    omg, it was like you are me when i was 15! i was so angry at everyone for not understanding me. and yeah, 5 years later, its so much easier, i've moved out of home, them fuckwits don't give a shit about me and quite frankly i don't care any more.

    the few "friends" i thought i had turned on me(and by turned on me i mean told me what they really thought of me....turns out, it wasn't much :laugh:), so i went through the last 2 years of secondary school alone and segregated and bullied.

    then i came to college and everything changed.the only problem i have now is that my friends that i have now(who i'd trust with my life), i'm completely emotionally dependent on......and every time they hurt me it cuts so deeply and the only way i know to externalize that is with a blade on my arm or somewhere.

    please don't be so mad at everyone. i know its hard, but if your mum starts shouting at you (for example), close your eyes, breathe deeply and count to 10, first of all, that gives your body the impression your brain is in control of all functions and you will calm down very quickly, i promise this works!

    Then tell her you are not in a place where you can take what she's saying on board right now, but you'll be back in 10 minutes after you have got some fresh air/a cigarette/call your girlfriend (anything that makes you calmer) and then you can talk about whats bothering her adult to adult with no raised voices. i swear it works...or at least it did eventually....the first few times i got told not to be so stupid and got the shit kicked out of me... :dry:

    hope you found this helpful

    -vicky-