I'll let it out alright

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kreative1, Jun 14, 2011.

  1. kreative1

    kreative1 Well-Known Member

    Somehow I’ve gotten out of bed around 1-2pm, squint around the decaying room, wondering why the hell I’m still breathing and what does this whole fake, negative world mean, slide in for a long hot shower, hot to the extent that I’m red all over, can’t feel it, go iron my clothes for work, now that takes 20mins, daydream about necking myself and that I have to go to my dead end job because I’m in self-induced debt and know no better, get dressed, that takes long time cause I’m already feeling tired and over it, go feed the gold fish, drop some food for the cats, might have a quick bit but usually don’t care to, step outside, look around the area, sigh that I still live at home with a mental head case of a mother, I’m 35, look at the half finished home projects, sigh some more as I go to my car, sit there for few minutes trying to get angry enough to do something to end it, no energy to think nor breathe, driving is a daydream of necking myself, half the time don’t remember how I got to work, get to work, I feel tired and like crying, go into the front desk, work hospitality, always some drama, it’s a family run business, so their whole dramas play in front of me, get asked if I’m ok, and whats wrong, say nothing, don’t trust no1 and telling makes them all stronger and no1 understands, deal with customers all night, most times it’s ok sort of, but people sux, every1 is ok when you bend over to accommodate them, otherwise you get told off, always people talk crap, how much money and how their little 1’s r educated and how many houses they have, I’m mainly ignored cause I’m a front desk jockey with nothing to my name, most hours spent looking at the meaningless live of people and the busy street around me, think and research on the net how to end it, how fucked it is working there for 13years, why I’m still at home, how I’m in meaningless debt, how fucked the world is, how fucked people are, how many times I fuck up, how fucked I am, why was I born, how I don’t want to live, hate living, how nothing and no1 makes me happy, somehow just pass the 8 hours of mental pain, leave work after 11pm, now I might go for some vice, that’s done on my own, have my usual haunts, lose money, but the hours spend I think of nothing and no pain, it’s a escape, go home depressed over what I’ve done, this happens once, twice a week mostly, or finish work and go straight home, take the dog for a walk, grab some munchies, watch meaningless Tv, have few shows I like, mostly sign feel like crying but haven’t cried for over a decade, feel nothing, mainly due to the meds, go on the comp and listen to music and surf around thinking wtf is it all about, bout 4,5 am take my med, by then I’m so lost, lonely, low, depressed, might do alittle self-harm hoping it rolls on to end it, but to weak and tired, my soul and energy has been sucked by people all day, go to bed, look around, panic, feeling so low, hoping to not wake up and before long it’s 1, 2pm and a new day times over a decade, and you want me to get over it, talk to you about it, I must be just lazy, I use this as a excuse, WTF do you want me to do, all I want is to end it all, world is keeps spinning, without me. :i'm sorry: