...I'll let it out then

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Snake, Feb 8, 2012.

  1. Snake

    Snake Well-Known Member

    I don't know how I fell asleep last night, I think the combination of Seinfeld plus popcorns made me feel better and put a halt on thinking about that girl. I thought she liked me but now I suspect she likes somebody else, we're going for pizza tonight, if she declines to my invitation because "something else" came up, I'll tell her to eat shit and slowly die in a fire with all her family (well maybe not all of that, but I'll said with the same intensity).

    Why the fuck would you say "I like you, something in you attracts me" if you don't mean it? I know I'm an asshole towards her but that's my way of playing with her (besides, everyone in this country makes fun of one another, except of the president because that's one way to end up without a job or dead in an "accident").

    I woke up early today and my dad told me to help him clean some stuff. Even though I was feeling down I agreed and help him anyway, as much as I swallowed my feelings I didn't do a great job at hiding them. My mom noticed but she's just sick of seeing me like that, so she just takes it personal and gets mad at me. She doesn't yell, she just quietly leaves me alone.
    Dad can't even tell when I'm sad or happy, let alone the array of emotions I can display when deppresed so we just clean the stuff for a while until he fucks up.
    I was minding my bussiness when he suddenly shouts "LOOK OUT, A COCKROACH". I have katsaridaphobia, which I guess is fear of cockroaches, and as he says that I jump and direct my eyes to the floor and find... well, nothing. He burst out laughing telling me to get a grip.
    The whole situation was funny for him, so I do something even more funnier: leave.

    I lay on the couch stressed, trembling, deppresed and I begin to think of ways to off-myself and then I start seeing visions. Visions of my dad from the near future, telling me to get my ass back at helping him and yelling me to stop being a ******.

    And guess what? it turns out I'm a fucking Nostradamus since that's exactly what happened moments later.

    So now I'm on my desktop, trying to collect my thoughts again since I really need to get a fucking grip since I have a rehearsal at 3:00 pm and my character is all charismatic and cheerful, which is the opposite of who I am and what I'm feeling right now.
    I got into facebook just now, since I left without saying goodbye to that girl, my last message was a "You see? this is why I'm not a nice person" after waiting for 10 minutes for a reply on how was she feeling. I know I'm not the only guy in her life, but I can't believe we went from having really long conversations to just a few quick chit-chats now and then. And yesterday I was just expecting a normal reply from her, as I expect replies from any buddy of mine, but what she did was just rude. She's online now, and she didn't even had the decency to say "oh I'm sorry about last night".

    I don't like to use the word "friend", so when I tell someone that he/she is my friend, I fucking mean it.
    She uses the word "friend" almost like a verb, I'm not really her friend. I'm her noneone, and I know it and I will find out today since I planning to end this bullshit and get on again with my monotomous, lonely life.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you could vent here let it out as you say. I do hope the girl gets backto you and you stop beating yourself up so much. hugs
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: You've had a rough day. People around a depressed person are often not sure how to deal with it. I'm sorry your folks aren't tuned in to what you're going through. Glad you could come here and talk to us, though.

    Wow! I was really shocked by your dad's little, erm, "joke." I don't like spiders, and if someone did that to me about a spider, I'd be plenty annoyed!

    I hope the girl replies to you soon. If she doesn't, you deserve better treatment...You deserve someone who cares about you as much as you care about her.

    With luck, your day will now just get better and go well! :)
  4. Snake

    Snake Well-Known Member

    I guess I'll use this post as a way to talk about my problems, that way I keep myself from spamming the boards since my problems tends to change given the area I feel afflicted.

    I was having a nice saturday night yesterday, I can say now that I becomes friends with a guy I met in theater, it's been 3 consecutive saturdays just hanging out drinking beer and sometimes wine. So I went to a mall with him, met some of friends (one of them a drug dealer, pretty cool laid back guy) and a girl that he thinks she likes him. A very cute gal, although not my type (she reminded me too much of a cousing of mine I despise).
    So one part of the group that was there that night splitted up to go to some fancy place to drink some wine, and my friend, the dealer and me went to a nightclub in a really sketchy part of the city (although is dangerous everywhere, there were a few times I tried to commit suicide just by going out of my house at midnight, sure way to end up your life with a whole magazine discharged into your body, you end up as being "murdered" instead of "assisted suicide").

    So we arrived there, ordered a few drinks and a pizza, at midnight I congratulated a friend who works there that was turning 24 that night (I even wrote him a dedication and a poem to her girlfriend) and continued to drink with my pals.
    Just when we were getting ready to leave I recieved a call from a girl, a girl I liked 3 years ago, who really hurted me. We talked for like an hour, she kept saying that she misses me and that she was really sorry that she rejected me, I replied with some "that was supposed to happen" mumbo-jumbo that I barely believed. But she kept going and going, and now she wanted to see me, to be with me... and like a fool I gave her a chance.
    I told her that I was going to her place, which was really far away from where I was. The thing is that, I didn't have money for that ride, so I asked my friends for a little collaboration, they didn't think it too much and said that it was alright (they were probably thinking I was having a booty call or something like that). Meanwhile, I kept talking to her, I re-opened old wounds and told her what I felt for her years ago, how I wanted to be with her, how I wanted to love so much, how I wanted her to be the mother of my kids.
    So we finally got into a taxi, I called her again, and again, and again... until she finally picked up half-asleep (she was obviously drinking) and told me that she was falling asleep.
    FUCK. YOU.
    I was having a good time, I'm trying to change the way I live, to have a better life, and you selfish-fuck decide to come to your senses THREE YEARS LATER and try to have something WITH ME!? fuck you fucking fat fuck (I don't dislike fat girls, in fact I like them just as much as a skinny one, I only have gripes with the obese and the anorexic), get it over with just as I did, and keep on with your life, I wish you the best but stay out of my way.

    As I said before, she opened old wounds, wounds that I barely acknowledge now so I'm not suffering from them, I think I'll go visit the birthday boy if he's not working today and try to have a good time. I'm still thinking if I should just cut all ties with the girl I like or ask her out again, I don't think I'm capable to love somebody since all I have it's hate in my heart, and I like it that way since it doesn't hurt.