I'll Never be free... will I?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Jan 23, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am having a rotten week so far. Horrible economy after they are cutting back my benefits... having to think I had to go back to prostitution just so I could eat... self harming because of that, considering suicide... still dealing with toothaches after weeks, going to the dentist who finished the job finally, without sedation (luckily the state are paying the dentist bill...)

    And yeah, my sick back and hips decided to play up... I could barely walk this morning. Every step hurt worse than being stabbed.

    And of course... the other day I logged into the dating chat where I met my current LDR boyfriend... (who I had helped through a bad day Thursday)... there was an offline message waiting for me... from my abusive 'ex'... the man who forced me into prostitution last time. About 6 months ago I made him block me and I blocked him... he kept contacting me and trying to get me to fall into his trap... and sometimes I did. I hate myself for that...

    I made him understand that him talking to me put my relationship with my boyfriend at risk (even if he kept threatening me to shut up... I've been raised and trained to confess though; so tough luck. Plus, my boyfriend deserves the truth). And I played more sick in the head than what I am and told him that I'd die if I lost my boyfriend... so well, he promised to stay away from me... and focus on his other 'pets' and his wife. *gags*.

    The message was just an innocent 'happy new years hope you're doing well' thing... And at first it felt awesome to be able to answer with "I have never been better!"... but... the fact that he just can't leave me alone is getting to me. I am so scared one day I'll be vulnerable and he'll find me... my boyfriend has the same fears. I don't ever want that to happen.

    I don't want to be that girl.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    ((big hugs)) to you. You are going through a lot. Are you genuinely in fear for your safety by the guy that you want to stay at a distance from you? Please do not resort to prostitution. Please don't, you will feel worse emotionally for the rest of your life about yourself. You mentioned the other day that you LDR bf wanted to buy you things or give you money. Take his offer from him? It's not the same as begging, he's your bf and he loves you and if the roles were reversed wouldn't you do it for him? Please, think on that. I hope your mood picks up soon.
    2 people like this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I guess if he wants to, he can come and find me.
    I just can't get the last talk we had out of my head... He told me how addictive I was to him... how I was the most interesting of all his pets... and how he would struggle to stay away.

    It was a dom/sub thing... but he went too far. He didn't respect no's and stop words... he took advantage. Apparently he liked that I even had the 'courage' to say no to him.

    I just don't get why he can't just forget about me and move on, let me be happy... he has at least 4 other 'pets' as he calls them (and me).

    And no, I can't make myself take any money or expensive presents from my Boyfriend... to me it would feel like he was paying for my time. I need to let him love me without any transactions.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    He is not worth your time ok and you can move forward without him He is an ass for thinking of you like that YOU walk away and make a new life for yourself now go to a women shelter if you have to but don't stay where you are treated like that YOU deserve so much more please know that you are important and you are a person who deserves respect and care don't let anyone make you feel like you are nothing ok please stay safe
    2 people like this.