I'll never be happy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by curtn34, Nov 12, 2011.

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  1. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    Hi, I don't really know if this is the appropriate place for this. It seems like it I suppose. I just feel the need to get my feelings out and I hope that somebody here can give me some kind of feedback and read through this. But who knows...

    I want to kill myself and I have for a very long time, obviously this is the reason why I am on here. When I look at my future I just see more loneliness and disappointment. I've had depression and suicidal thoughts for at least 8 years or so now. I'm not old, I'm in my early 20s and about to graduate college very soon. I just think I should share my story, in full and as best I can, if that's not too much.

    First of all, I'm a gay male. Which I'm okay and in ways actually proud of. At the same time though I think that this is what triggered my problems. When I found out I was gay I sorta retreated into myself. It wasn't a conscious thing but looking back on it that's exactly what happened. I had a group of friends at this young age and I sort of drifted apart from them. At the same time, I've never felt socially comfortable in a school setting from elementary school but this got worse in middle and high school as I began to suffer from selective mutism while in school. This means that through high school and middle school and even my first year or so of college, I literally had no friends. I spent my time sitting alone in my house.

    Since that time I have had trouble making new friends or developing meaningful relationships. I went away to college to branch out and meet new people and experience a new setting but it just made things worse. I made friends, but have still failed to develop truly meaningful relationships with anyone. Also, the friends I have made treat me like I'm lesser than anyone else, and like I'm dumb. In fact, one can even say I've been bullied in college in a lot of ways.

    I started dating when in college but nothing seems to stick. I've gone on dates with somewhere around 15-20 guys over the past two and a half years. None of them lasted past the 3rd or 4th date, with two exceptions. I had a boyfriend for 10 months that I met online. He lived in the midwest while I live in the northeast. It sucked but I was in love. The thing is though, the distance cause an obsession and jealousy in me, that mixed with my onslaught of suicidal thoughts caused him to dump me. And he has not spoken to me since, despite my repeated attempts at contacting him. The only person I ever loved now hates me. Recently, a guy became interested in me. He was from home but after our first date I went away to school and the distance happened again. Soon, my obsessive thoughts began again. And the jealousy too. He broke it off after two months. It's a recent development and the trigger for these thoughts that are so prevalent right now. He told me it was because he was not ready to be with anyone, as he just got out of a 5 year relationship, but I feel like it's me. And I really think that in many ways he is the perfect guy, and to not be with him feels like hell to me.

    I just feel as if I have nobody. No friends to go to, no boyfriend to go to. I am lucky enough to have a family but I do not feel comfortable opening up to them and do not feel as if they would understand. They could never give me what I want anyway. People always tell me to be happy with myself but to me the idea of being alone is pure misery. I've been alone for a long time, I know what it feels like, and I have had enough of it. I can't stand being alone anymore. It's just too fucking hard.

    Adding on to that, I also have social anxiety. It has gotten better throughout the years but I still have problems with it. It makes it hard to do everyday tasks. There was once a time where something as simple as walking into a store and buying something was overwhelming to me. It's gotten better but there are still these everyday things people take for granted that I find hard to do. I really feel worthless. I literally have no skills. Nothing to offer the world. I'm about to graduate college and I have no direction. I'm scared to so much as get a part time job at a retail store and for that reason I've been unemployed for 4 years almost. I have only had one job and it was traumatizing. On the second day I was left alone without much direction or understanding of the job, and a customer came in. My nervousness caused me to fumble with rubber gloves and the customer got angry and called me a retard.

    Adding on to that, my sexual performance has even gone downhill. This is a new development but the last person I was with, I would prematurely ejaculate, something I have never done before. It was horrible.

    I don't know. I am definitely rambling on. There's no way that I've gotten everything out but I feel like this is a good time to sum up how I'm feeling. I just feel as if I'm never going to be happy. Never going to find what I want in life. I know it sounds cheesy or dumb but all I want is love and if I could find that then nothing else would matter and I would be okay. Right now, I don't think I can find that. Not at all. I've been hurt and disappointed by people too many times. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's not though. My problem isn't temporary. It's very permanent. I have been to counseling before and feel as if it hasn't helped me much. I just want to find a way to be happy. Since I don't think I can find that though, suicide feels like the only option. I wake up every morning with a heavy heart and feeling as if there is no reason to get out of bed. I don't know what to do anymore. To be honest, if there was a surefire way out of my pain, I would have taken it and there isn't right now and that is the only reason that I am alive anymore.
  2. tudor_77

    tudor_77 Member

    Hello mate, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I can absolutely relate to the social anxiety part, its really difficult to deal with social situations and makes life all but impossible most of the time.

    I know you say you have had therapy and that didnt work out too great but have you not thought about trying to get help again? There are a number of options available that you can discuss with your doctor, like medication or various kinds of psychotherapy. I'm not really sure how things work in the US in terms of healthcare, so pardon my ignorance if none of this is an option.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...it seems like you have not stepped back and really congradulated yourself for all you have done...selected mutism? I have worked with several clients who were selectively mute and from how you report, you have clearly worked to overcome the odds...social situations take time and work, especially if you were not rehearsing them in your younger years...maybe you can consider working with a team that specialized in communication/anxiety disorders? Social anxiety is so understanding considering how you felt in your formative years. Please contact me if you would like any suggestions and welcome again. I am so glad you are sharing with us. Big hugs, J
  4. Lost_Daughter

    Lost_Daughter Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. It is a big step for you to share your story and reach out for help. Everyone wants to be loved and accepted, and deserves to be. I may be wrong, but I sense that somewhere inside you are having a hard time loving and accepting yourself. That makes it hard for others to love u completely and causes your insecurity and jealousy. You are still young, maybe u should give therapy another try or find a support group of your peers that can relate to what your going through. This forum is a wonderful form of support, u can express your thoughts freely without being judged or condemed, and you can always find advice and encouragement from others who have been in similar situations. Best of luck to you :)
  5. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    Thank you all for being so understanding. I would just like to say that yes it is possible for me to go to therapy and get meds but having to go in the first place makes me feel even worse and I don't want to depend on even more meds. I already take asthma medication
    daily. I did take Zoloft for awhile.

    And yes I did overcome my selective mutism in many ways and some social anxiety and have made a lot of progress by my own doing but I feel like that is all I have to be proud of. I mean, that and getting the motivation to lose 50 pounds as I was overweight in high school. Those being my only accomplishments just makes me feel even more hopeless, ya know?

    I went out for a walk. I was feeling closed in in my room so I'm typing this from my phone. Thanks for the kind words.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    The consequences of being selectively mute can be devastating...it is so much more than losing weight..you have trusted the world enough to be in it...that is truly remarkable, and, as I said, very unusual to be done in such a meaningful and successful way...you sound like you have also accepted who you are and are proud about your sexual orientation...again unusual! Maybe as you are more comfortable socially, you will be able to be in a relationship in a more intimate way, and express yourself more authentically...that would be the area of help that could be meaningful as you come to the relationship with so many resources...big hugs
  7. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    In intimate relationships I feel as if I express myself almost too intimately. Spilling every detail and every thought and every insecurity. It's because I feel as if I can finally trust someone, but every time, I am disappointed in the end.
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