I'll never understand

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Shyfear, Sep 19, 2007.

  1. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    Tomorrow the 20th is the 6 month anniversary of my sister's suicide. I cant believe that I've dragged myself through a half of a year without her here by my side. I should have known it was going to happen. I should have been there to protect her from herself. She didn't deserve all of the pain she went through. I should have been able to take it all away, I could have saved her. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

    Life doesn't seem worth it without her around. A week before her death I was going to kill myself, I dont know why I didn't. I wish I would have, now I feel that I cant because I dont know if my family will be able to handle it. I dont think that's going to keep me here too much longer. Whenever I look at her picture I feel like she's telling me to join her, and as much as I want to, I tell her to wait until my unfinished business is done. I've stopped eating, stopped caring about my life. All I want to do is sleep, I can't concentrait on my schoolwork. I just feel like I'm dying.

    Someone stole the flowers off of her grave. Why the hell would someone do that? My heart sinks just thinking about it. It's just like a slap in the face.

    I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, my mind is so messed up at the moment. I just want her back.

    I miss you so much Rocky.. I just hope you're finally okay.. :sad:
     
  2. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    hi and welcome...
    i am really sorry to hear about your sister. and how much it is hurting you.. in one respect i wish people would read this and see that no one is better off when some su... regardless of how much you think the world and family will be better without you...

    as for you saving her... the only one who could have done that was her... unfortunetly she did not or could not find the help she needed and that is so sad.. she must have been a wonderful person.. it sounds like depression runs in your family.. are you seeing someone.. a therapist... please cling onto what ever keeps you here until you heal.. your sister can live through you... if you hang around and heal ... you can use her life and death to inspier others to seek help and not give up.. you can start a foundation in her honor and name.. there are a world of possibilities .. all you have to do to make them real is to live..... much support and a hug
     
  3. amylou

    amylou Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear of your sisters death but she can live on in you as its obvious that she lives in your hart allthough shes not here anymore she is always with you.
     
  4. life

    life Well-Known Member

    Tomorrow the 20th is the 6 month anniversary of my sister's suicide. I cant believe that I've dragged myself through a half of a year without her here by my side. I should have known it was going to happen. I should have been there to protect her from herself. She didn't deserve all of the pain she went through. I should have been able to take it all away, I could have saved her. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

    Life doesn't seem worth it without her around. A week before her death I was going to kill myself, I dont know why I didn't. I wish I would have, now I feel that I cant because I dont know if my family will be able to handle it. I dont think that's going to keep me here too much longer. Whenever I look at her picture I feel like she's telling me to join her, and as much as I want to, I tell her to wait until my unfinished business is done. I've stopped eating, stopped caring about my life. All I want to do is sleep, I can't concentrait on my schoolwork. I just feel like I'm dying.

    Someone stole the flowers off of her grave. Why the hell would someone do that? My heart sinks just thinking about it. It's just like a slap in the face.

    I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, my mind is so messed up at the moment. I just want her back.

    I miss you so much Rocky.. I just hope you're finally okay..

    hey do u wanna know the trueth ...dont blame ur self...its not ur fault....U wont saved her...people who commit suicide have a reason to do it so....I know its pain;u loved her u still do;u wont her around...it feels like something is missen in ur life..The pain will never end..it can better...u can get happy..but dont blame ur self...u have no fault....dont feel guilty...be strong......Since i have suicidal thoughts;and plan to die..i dont want my family to get upset;blame their selfs...be guilty...i wouldnt rest in peace if they thought that way...really...
     
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    im so sorry for ur loss hun. someone stealing the flowers off the grave is heartless. i don't get people sometimes. welcome to sf hun and i hope that it helps being here :hug:
     
  6. Robin

    Robin Guest

    My heart broke a little when I read your post, such a sad thing to lose one so close to the heart, such a struggle to live without. I have no words that could ease your pain but you have my utmost condolences.

    Please try not to blame yourself for her death, I'm sure the last thing she would have wanted was that, I'm sure she felt that everyone would be better off without her dragging them down but it just goes to show you how important people really are.

    You are important too and your loss would be felt as deeply as your sisters, I'm sure there are people that care about you a great deal, I know it's hard to live for others but try to draw strength from their love and treasure the memory of your sister.
     
  7. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    i'm so sorry.

    Yesterday was the 2 month 'anniversary' of my sister's death, i was planning my own suicide the day she died, even after...i still dream about it, sure. But right now, i have to live with my parents' grief, as well as my own.

    My sister didn't take her own life, but, not that i've said this to anyone, i almost thought she would. Really didn't prepare me for the words 'your sister's been found dead'. i'm sorry. i can't and won't tell you what to feel.
    i really feel your pain tonight.

    Take care.x
     
  8. Shyfear

    Shyfear Well-Known Member

    Hey everyone, thanks so much for the support. A couple of my friends kidnapped me so I wouldn't have to think about her all day, I thought it was nice of them.

    I've been spending the past few days investigating her death and have some evidence that says it may have been murder instead. I'm going crazy trying to figure it out. I feel like I cant tell anyone about my discoveries because they'd think I was making it up and to stop obsessing. I guess either way it wont bring her back..

    I was seeing a counsellor before she died. Right after I found out about her death I went to see her to halt my school assignments, she told me I was full of shit and just trying to get a free ticket out of university. I got her fired for it. But now I wont open up to anyone in fear they will tell me the same thing she did.

    I've already done many things to honour her, and plan on doing many other things. I'm studying to become a suicidologist. And found this forum to try to help people in suicidual states. Although I'm trying my hardest, I cant seem to help anyone. I dont think I'll ever be able to save anyone.

    Kindtosnails, I'm really sorry about your sister =[ it makes it so much harder to suicide when someone's just past (Although I really dont want you to do it, and hope you dont). I hope you are doing okay.. I think it'd be nice for us to talk, I've never met anyone else who's lost a sister. My friends dont seem to understand my pain.

    No one is ever better off when someone suicides, I wish people would understand that. I don't believe that most people would be better off without me, I know some love me, I just don't want to live. I cant cause them more pain. That's the only reason I'm still here.

    Thanks again guys, you really helped. :hug:
     
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry to hear about your sister as well. When someone suicides we feel angry at them for leaving us, guilty that we either didn't know or didn't stop them, and so empty without them. You should not feel responsible for her death. She chose to go and it is highly unlikely that there was anything you could have done to change her mind. Anniversaries are always difficult. I am glad you have such thoughtful friends. Hang in there. Your life is invaluable. :hug:
     
  10. faceshed

    faceshed Active Member

    having my friends and family go through this is what keeps me from doing it a good lot.
    if I was open about my suicide I would tell the ones that love me not to grieve if I did it, that it's better to piss on my grave then to honor my memery in any way if it makes them happyer & helps them move on.
    I hope this helps.