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I'll probably sound stupid.. I have to talk to someone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OsherNosher, Jul 27, 2009.

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  1. OsherNosher

    OsherNosher Member

    intro: I live in Israel, 23, single, confused as hell

    I'm feeling fucking lost in this world of get rich or live miserable,

    I can imagine stupid people brag about their stuff: yea, I'm the man, I got this and that and all kind of bullshit, I wanna wake those bastards, make them feel terrified like I feel about life

    at this very moment I wanna end this period, this life period
    end up this life. period
    no regrate, no guilty feeling, just quit
    I just think of my sister, how will she react to my act, she gonna get lost and be out of everything or she gonna get used to it, maybe she even don't like me, maybe it will be great to everybody, I will give her my money so she could start her life good and I'll end this period, right now I'm thinking how did I got to this kind of thinking? being a suisidal?
    as I'm thinking about ending my life and what my perents and my sister will think, feel and their life after me, I'm starting to think if they will feel more comfort without me? if their life would be easier without all the mess I bring to them, I'm almost 23 with a heart of 5 years old boy who feels the children hate on him because he has curly hair, because he has freckles and because he's fucking awkward and clumsy or because they just loved to hate me for no reason, just cause life is cruel, what should I do? I'm the biggest joke ever, while other motherfuckers the same age as me going to travel around the world or having their best time with their friends and girlfriends or study the profession that they chosed to have in life, I'm sitting in my room and thinking about lose my life as the best option for me to be free, free from guilt of nonsuccess, free from the tag of the failure, free from body pain ect..

    you know, every Israeli need to join the army as he's 18 and I also did it, I thought I was going to fight, have some action, gaining respect and shit, after only mouth I broke up, had muscles problems and move to rear unit.
    I can't tell about my life a lot, it's too complicated, cause I had no certain direction and I moved from one path to another very fast, if I'm thinking about it now I always was lost since the day I was born, it's not like certain incident changed my life, my life seems to be fucked from day one

    now I cry and I don't feel anything, I'm kinda planing my death but I'm afraid to do so, do I have the right to live if I don't worth nothing and I can't serve the interests of other people, I don't wanna do thing people expect me to do, I actually don't know what am I going to do

    I have a lot of respect to athletes, musicians, special talents, that I think I'll never be, and one of the main reasons life being so hard to me is that I'm not a big talent or star, I don't have a lot of money and I have to make a lot of waiving, I can't use to the "ordinary livin" I so called judged to have, cause as a teenager I thought I would be a famous singer, people used to tell me they love me and I'm good performer.. but I see only snikes can make a livin out of making music in israel, the real artists are starving

    whatever, I mixed it all... I just wanted to put it out and maybe someone will come with idea, and not 'go see the shrink' idea
    I used to think that there are good friends, but its all interests and the only "friend" who "really" listen to you is some dude on a couch, taking your money

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    how come its so important to be "someone" else ?
    im not an athlete, or any of those others that you mentioned.
    what you might want to look into, is what YOU are good at.

    what happens when we commit suicide ?
    well, those that we thought didnt care, actually do. when i mentioned my second attempt, it pissed some ppl off. ppl that i never thought would even miss me. I WAS WRONG, YOU ARE WRONG in your feelings.

    there are many ppl like you and me that dont have displayable talents. but there is talent in EVERYONE, we just have to look inside ourself and find it. sometimes the least obvious thing ... is out talent.

    i never did well in english, or with proper writting skills ... or some spelling ...
    but, i found out a few years ago, i like to write. sometimes im just plaine blunt and to the point, but i dont like all the flower kind of talk.
    i believe in ... reality.

    you, my friend have a talent or many talents. its up to you to decide to enjoy what you are intrested in.
    sucess today is over rated.... in my opinion. the simple fact that we get up every moring and do the best we can with what we have .... makes us winners.

    we dont need the limeligt to justify our being.
    we dont need to be popular to justify our being.
    sometimes we require attention to make us feel anything at all.
    sometimes, pain and misery are the only things that make us FEEL anything at all.

    we are not used to and are sometimes afraid of stepping out of the boat because we are unsure of anything else that we are not used to.
    like, feeling good about yourself. if you cant feel crappy then your not alive.
    the problem is, that gets old and im time, we end up with thoughts such as yours.
    try to do or go some place out of your normal circle. see how you respond to it. try to experiance something that you would like to and DO IT.
    we should not be regulated by what WE THINK others think about us.
    its hard to accept sometimes, but thats what you call being humble and deciding to make something of yourself. something THAT YOU KNOW you are good at and are intrested in. not something to impress someone else or to FIT IN.
    fitting in a crowd is somewhat over rated. we are our own person and therfore we have and only control what WE DESIRE not what others may expect or think we should be doing,.

    good luck.
  3. OsherNosher

    OsherNosher Member

    thanks a lot,

    I know I can succeed as a singer in my country when it comes to talent. it's just that I'm afraid of losing money and don't want independent career, my dad has small independent business that always has deficits and he lost a lot of money and risk our whole future, I couln't do things every kid does like go to a summer camp or vacation etc.. my father financial instability is what made my and my sister's life quite stressed...
    I don't want to be like my father, if I'll ever have children, I want them to have a wage earner father.. not a self employed, so some part of me want to be a regular simple person and the other side of me knows I'm different as a person, more artistic than realistic..

    BTW- I'm sory if I made English mistakes, please feel free to fix me, it's not my mother tongue...

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    no problem,
    your are doing fine.

    alot of singers/ actors, have to start someplace. even if its at the bottom theres still the hope and faith that you need to have that will carry youthrough to your dream for the future.\

    i dont know about your culture, but theres no reason that yhou ahve to be like your dad.

    if you raise the bar on your expectations FOR YOU, then you are unlimited in what you can do. if something doesnt work out, get back up, dust your self off and try again,

    there are many ways to achive what we desire, but dont forget, it may take some time, so dont get discouraged

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