Hello, I'm a 13 year old boy. I hate when I am around people, it makes my social anxiety go up the roof. I don't want to live my life, go to school, work, eat, and socialize. Lately I've been thinking about killing myself, but the thing that is stopping me is what might my parents may think if they find out that I attempted suicide either by getting a phone call or having somebody come to talk to them. I've been starting to go to counseling which has made my life a fucking nightmare than it already is, I want to have help but at the same time I don't. When I see people in the hallway of school I often think that they should go burn in hell & deserve to die because they're better looking than me. I think I'm hideous while others might disagree, and say I look like a normal 13 year old boy! Wrong. I have to shave everyday because it would be awkward going to school with facial hair on your neck and sideburns etc at the age of 13! Nobody else in my grade shaves except maybe 3 people that are advanced in puberty (but I'm more ahead) than the others. I have to shave my neck and my sideburns and my chin and above my mouth every single day because a stubble begins to form, which annoys the living shit out of me since nobody else in my damn grade has this fucking problem! I'm socially awkward and I don't know what to say to people, I really don't have any emotion. I don't like my parents that much but I don't want to tell them that since it would break their hearts. I'm tired of waking up every single day doing these things over and over and having these problems over and over. I'm severely depressed and I barely laugh at anything unless I'm with my friends, I think I may be bipolar. ( Some of this might be a little confusing to understand since I'm 13 but try to bare with me. My spelling is above a 12th graders. ) I always am sad one moment then really happy the next. It depresses me more to know that I'm never truly happy in my life. Like tonight my parents were told that I smoked before, and they were totally against it. I don't see why though. It made me feel maybe 90% better for the time being since I smoked for like maybe 9 hours after school. It made me furious that they wouldn't consider letting me smoke since it made me happy. My father gave me shit like "you shouldn't need substances to make you happy." I'm like, dad shut the hell up you don't even know what I'm going through since you've never been in the same situations that I've been with suicidal thoughts and actions. I feel as if I should be in a mental hospital since when I see a tree I think of hanging myself, or when I see a building I think of falling off the building. I think of killing people in my mind but I actually wouldn't do it. I don't really know where I'm going with this but I feel as if I just wanted to vent. Hopefully some of you will be kind enough to reply & leave some suggestions?