Ive been dealing with depression for about 5 years now and have been diagnosed with chrons disease it has been about 2 years. I constantly feel like im useless and that i want to be dead insted of having to live 40 more years of this. All I feel is pain and if i dont take pills then i crash, and I hate depending on pills. Its like I have 2 monsters constantly following me and tearing me apart piece by piece. Im just waiting till i move out of my parents house so that I can hang myself or buy an anestetic that I am allergic to so that It will be quick and painless. I take pills, Ive seen therapist and im done yoga but I cannot find a way to be happy. I just keep falling back to the same spot. This is sort of my last attempt to bother trying to figure something out until I carry through with my idea when the time comes. Im not normal and I hate it.