I'm 19, I don't know what I'm asking, one thing I know, I want to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Feb 2, 2009.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    First let me introduce myself, I'm a 19 year old boy. I go to college, graduated from high school about 9 months ago from a catholic school.

    Bellow I wrote a very long passage, mostly its my state of mind, for the past 20 minutes is kinda typical, I tell my suicidal causes, and almost a bio. If anyone reads it, I'll really appreciate it.

    I'm suicidal and depressed, tired, and sad. In my junior year I learned my dad was terminally ill. Before then I had problems though, this has just made me worse. I take care of him during the day, its not that hard really though. Just keep him lunch take his blood pressure and give me a pill if its really low. What has killed me is that his mind is gone. I can talk to him but he can't think anymore. He has a stupified look on his face. Writing abouit this is upsetting me so I'll stop.

    What really is killing me is I seem to attract fights. My brother has made fun of me for not going out and being alone all the time. (I think he wants me dead / hates me because when I was in 8th grade and even 9th and earlier I hung out with kids whose brothers made fun of my brother.) I always stuck up for him though, and almost got beat up on at least one occassion for sticking up for him. He's just a dork. But as early as 9th-10th grade when I stopped having friends he would make fun of me a lot.

    An example of countless times, he called me hermy (a hermit crab like) for a few days, but then I fought him and he stopped. (that was the only time I ever physically fought him, it was a big deal). Also an example of countless times he picks up the phone says hello, then when he brings it for me he looks at the phone smirks and says " a call for ****(I don't want anyone to know my name so I put the "****"). It was the facial expression that really got me made.

    Also my aunt had a funeral at the time of my graduation, he made comments at the funeral "she shouldn't be burried, this is waisting land, she should be creamated and made into ashes" This was on the drive to the funeral, he was only saying these things to upset me, while both my parents were in the car I told him to shut up eventually and my dad (can barley talk now) said yeah **** shut up.

    Also I was an alter server at the funeral and I was talking to my mom in the kitchen about it (serving) and was really worried I would screw up. My brother (again another example pof countless times) smiled and starting laughing and said " take some anxiety pills". He kept laughing. I was so sad about my aunt I couldn't bear a fight at the time.

    My life including now has consisted of constant fights and school. I never went out in high school, I never went to a dance, I didn't go to the prom, didn't really make any new friends. I was well liked though, I think I was, I'm kind of funny, and joking around with kids was the only thing I had that helped me cope, but I after my dad for some reason every time I laugh I would get nervious and my face would freeze, and then I would feel like crying. Anytime I would have a fake or real fight with a kid 11tth grade and later in school I would start to cry so I avoided talking to people a lot.

    I couldn't joke with kids or fight, this started to make me a lot worse. What makes me so suicidal is that I have fought with not just my brother but a few family members and including both my parents (even my sick dad). I talk to my mom about my relatives being nasty and at first she kinda tried to help, but it really depends on her mood. Then later though when shes in a bad mood she'll bring it up and say I need to see a doctor (yelling this is not constructive help)

    Anyway like I was tryign to say I fight with my enemies constantly, because of being made fun of constantly. And its after the fight now that I feel terrible and just want to die, I don't fear the pain of hanging myself. I realize I will never be able to see my family in the future once I leave. What I mean is if I live I have no one left. The hatred and cruelty that has been directed at me has crossed the line of decency. What I mean is no matter how bad things get theres certain things I won't do or say. (The one exception being suicide) I stuck up for my brother my entire childhood, but he never did for me, he even made fun of me with other kids.

    He makes his life look good though. Everything from making sure he has friends that seem to me the most normal to going to a dermatologist to look better. He competes with me with taking care of my father, making it look like hes ehlping mw while actually hurting me. After we learned my dad was dying my brother transfered from a college to another (to change his major) but he remained away from home. Now he comes home every other weekend because he says he wants to be with dad now that hes getting worse. I told him one time I wanted to get an apartment because I;m so sad. He told me I shouldn't do that because mom needs my help with dad and I should stay with him. But I told him how he stayed away at college when he could have went locally and he said well I'm with dad now that hes worse. (also hes going to law school over 300 miles away in 8 months and I don't think my dad will be alive then thoutgh.)

    But you see I have this constant pressure from him and my mom is even nasty a lot if I talk to her about him.

    You know I never really wrote all of these thoughts like this. The only thing stopping my intense rage is that I cannot stand all of it so I just repress all these memories and remain very sad, I feel like I'm in a state of extreme despair.

    I'm upset with my dad, but try not to let him show it now that I understand he always avoided problems and its not that he beleives everyone is hurting me intentionally he just will avoid akward or confrontational fights that he doesn't want to fghit. He did that before he was sick so I don't see it as a result.

    Now My thoughts day- to day are in school work, (it keeps me busy and form thinking about suicide) Although taking care of my dad prevents me from supressing these painful thoughts as well as my brother reutrning, and other family members constantly hurtying me, while making it look like they are not.
    That's what makes it the worst, they hurt me with suttle remarks, dirty looks, constant little things, but constant hatred I cannot bear. Now I should say if I talk to my brother he says I don't mean to be your problem. Well the one time I was crying talkng to him about my dad. I told him It helps me to talk about it and how it brakes my heart about dad. But he just put on a look like distant smirk and said I don't know if I'm upsetting you and don't know wat will bothers you (he ment about talking about dad). I said no it helps me to talk about dad. Then he just changed the subject because it made him uncomfortable.

    Just so you know I don't normally cry, and I never cry in front of someone else esp my brother. For him to do that shows me hatred callousness that makes me want to kill him.

    I would do it if It wasn't wrong, but I would kill myself before I would kill anyone. *Note I'm not going to kill anyone*

    Now when I think of suicide I remember this kid from my school who commited suicide. I felt like I knew him (even though I didny) because my old best friend was friends with him form school, and my old neighborhood best friend's house, was this kids house - the one that commited suicide.

    I now spend most of my time thinking about when I was younger when I had friends and just about this kid and how if he could do it, same age as me, knew many of the same people, kinda had similair problems, mabye I could suceed to.

    The thing is if I try to kill myself I would do it, I wouldn't fail. Males like me are the reason boys have a higher sucess rate.

    I'm tired, need to go to bed, I don't know if I have a question, mabye I could be helped with answers or questions, I don't know. I was a social worker about all of this and she seemed like a jerk. She told me I couldn't control people that I could only change my reaction to the way people are to me. Thats not good advice, she didn't sincerely want to help me, I could tell she didn't seriously care about me, I was just another patient... I felt like I was talking to a wall, when I paused she barley said anything, just the sentence I wrote above. When I stopped talking for like 2 minutes of silence she said "are you finished?" I mean what kind of a jerk says that to someone like me after I've told her about what my life is like. She only made me feel worse because I could tell she just wanted to get me out. She was as callous as my family. Social workers should not go into the job if they don't want to help people....

    But it doesn't seem like theres anyone good out there. Once times get hard, I have not seen anyone act with principles. Without principles, there is no family, and without family and friends life isn't worth a damn.

    I don't know what I'm asking, but I can't "shop around for a person to talk to" I already had a bad experience. Don't have the energy. I really just want to die. My life has been going downward, and will continue even if life events stay the same because my body continues to take all this stress and has no relief, things just keep getting worse and worse.

    Again I don't know if I have a question. I just wanted to try this as a last thing before its over.

    Thank you
  2. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Hi, no there wasn't a specific question in there that seemed to call for an answer but I think I have some idea of where you're coming from. What you're going through right now is a very profound and difficult experience - for you and your brother and the rest of your family.

    Stress like this is going to bring out a lot of different things from people. It may be that it is bringing out the worst in your brother. From what I've read, I don't think he meant to be callous when you were discussing your father. In his way, I am sure that he is having an equally difficult time and perhaps isn't ready to deal with the issue as openly as you were - so he smirks and pretends he's emotionally tougher than you. Trust me, he's not. And he's not trying to hurt you either. He's probably just not ready to deal with the issue as directly as you are, maybe because he isn't around your father as much, hasn't had as much opportunity to digest things...

    At 19 there are all kinds of things going through people's heads. I really wish everyone would at least wait until AT LEAST their mid-20s to even begin thinking about the possibility that life can't be turned around for the better. Really, all kinds of things can happen that will make the teenage years seem like some stupid joke that you can't believe went that poorly.

    What you're going through with your father is going to make you think about all kinds of things, mortality included. Did you have these kinds of thoughts before your father became ill?

    You say your father doesn't seem to be able to understand you fully, but it still may be a good idea to talk to him about some of the things that are on your mind. And especially to say anything nice to him that you haven't been able to say. People tend to regret not having said the good things, rather than the bad ones. And it has been shown that potted plants will respond positively to kind words. Believe me, if a plant can benefit from positivity, the sickest human on their worst day will stand to gain far more from whatever another person has to offer.

    It sounds like you crossed paths with an extremely insensitive social worker. Some people just end up in the wrong line of work. That said, her basic advice, that "you can't control people, only the way you react to them" is in some ways a fundamental human truth. That doesn't mean that you are the problem. It just means that if you want your brother to realize tomorrow that he's been in the wrong the whole time, it won't happen overnight, regardless of how strongly you try to get the message through. And the same sort of patterns will arise whenever you cross paths with people whose characteristics cause problems for you (a cheating girlfriend, a rude boss).

    Anyway, there are good people. There are people with principles when the chips are down. I've seen people pass this test with flying colors and also fail it miserably. But you'll find people on here with principles. You'll find people on here that are fighting against their innermost desires to not live, solely for the purpose of sparing others from pain.

    You sound like you're a good person and like you have principles. And also, at your core, like you have social skills. You're also very young. I believe that if you stick things out, you will find yourself in similar company.
  3. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    Tough position, I'll give you that.

    I've had my run in's with the mental health system once or twice. Sadly much like me and you, they are just people, it can be tough to find a good Social Worker who actually cares! Much like how it can be tough to find a good friend, or even a good person.

    I can't really respond to your whole post, partly because it is a story of pain. It's your pain, no one can take it from you, no one can "truly" understand, because its you and its happening to you. Sadly you're going to have to feel it, pain sucks, but it means you're still alive.

    With that in mind, the sun will rise once more. Things seem so bad now (and I'm not going to lie to you, they are) but pain fades, wounds heal, and life moves on.

    Just from reading your post, I see a very well to do, articulate, moral young man. I'm willing to bet my left nut that you have friends out there, people who see past any pesudo smile or fake laugh, and they want to help. You just got to let them in buddy. Think about it.

    Talk to your dad as much as humanly possible, if not for you, for him. Because he loves you darely, and believe me when I say, you won't regret spending as much time as you could with him.

    Your brother is just as scared, alone, and depressed as you are. Maybe worse because he's lashing out in such a negative manner. I think you need to live for the day he finally breaks down. I'm willing to bet, when it comes down to the wire, he needs you, he loves you, and one day you'll see that.

    Things are extremely difficult and tough, I won't lie to you, I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, but you think you're alone and thats myopic(short-sighted), it's easy to think and feel that way when you do spend your time alone, your head becomes your own worse enemy. MY gods honest advice (and this has worked for me), Volunteer your time, get a job in a social setting, hell pick up a hobby that requires you to meet, talk, and deal with people. Being alone is the last thing you need right now.

    I hope at lest "letting it out" made you feel a tiny bit better, keeping all those things in must of been ripping you a part. I hope you reconsider, the world needs more people like you, people who actually give a damn.

    It can be tough to grow in a new skin, to deal with tormentors while you're tormenting yourself. But stay strong, things can't be bad forever. Instead of asking yourself "why keep living?" ask yourself "Why not live?".

    But hey, I maybe just a guy on the internet, this may just be another forum. But I find this community to be very supportive and friendly. If you ever want to talk, or just want some one to listen. PM me.

    Hope you feel better soon,

    Your buddy
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I really do not have much else to add that hasn't already been said. I am sure your dad appreciates all you do for him even if he is unable to show it. I applaud your courage. It must be very difficult. :hug:
  5. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I appreciate the helpful responses. As the one person noted people can emphasize but never truly understand how someone is doing. My dad is very sick right now. There are nurses that come every other day, and today they stayed for a long time and had to call my mom home. He's dieing.
  6. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    It's 7 where I'm at now. My dad is fine right now. He was having trouble breathing. I hate almost my entire family. I feel sad because of the coldness and constant hate directed amoung themselves and at me. I know when I'm dead they will continue to hate me, not all of them, but I know a few will, even though I never intended them any harm.

    The only thing that keeps me going now, is whats been replaying in my mind for a while now. I am needed here to take care of my dad, but it only makes me worse each day helping him not better, I do this for him and my mom, again even though I hate her, I know its wrong to leave her like this.

    So I'm going to wait for my dad to die, then I'll kill myself. Should any family member of mine stumble onto this text you should know that my thoughts on here are incomplete. Even major beleifs I hold about the people I have spocken of are lacking major bits of info which would change your interpretation not completely probably, but drastically. I'm sorry. God have mercy on my soul.
  7. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are there for your father. But do you honestly think thats what he wants for you?

    Think about it, if not live for yourself, live to carry on good memories. Reconsider, please.
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