I'm 20 years old and I feel like I can't go on...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lawliet180, Nov 18, 2009.

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  1. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    I'm new here so here is my story. I'll make it short.

    Freshman year of high school I started to get fat. By senior year I was a whale. I weighed 230 and I was crying every night. No friends, family sucks, all I had was video games and tv. So begining of senior year I started to diet and I did really good up till summer of 2008. I was 140, feelin ok. I finallly started having girls checking me out... But I didn't know what to do so they all rejected me... I was spiriling into depression. I started eating again.. I had friends now though so it wasnt all bad but I was still getting worse..

    I'm a hypo-condriac(spelling...) I had constant fear of having cancer in early 2009. Sometimes I had wished I really did have cancer and wanted for it to kill me. This went on for a few months more. I thought about killing myself at work.

    I don't feel that way anymore though, at least, not at all as much. I'm trying to get back on a diet and I'm having some success. I have so much self-confidence now even though I'm back up to 175. I even got a girl now which brings me to my point :(

    I really like this girl. Shes the first girl I've ever thought about telling I love. She makes me feel great when we cuddle but I can't take it! Everyday is a constant battle of self sabotage and worry and regret! I worry that she doesn't like me anymore when she sends me fewer texts. Or doesn't greet me with a "good morning". She hangs out with other guys and it frustrates me and I can't say or do anything because then I'd be an ass. I'm eating more and more each day and smoking like a chimney. I'm so depressed and if this relationship doesn't work out I don't know what i'll do. I put on the mask of a self-confident, funny happy person but when I get home it's completely different. It's me hovering over my cell phone just looking for a "hey" and being so angry at myself when I don't get a text from her.

    With me when girls don't work out I use it as motivation to better myself but this girl is different. If it doesn't work out I just can't do it anymore... I wont be able to go on... I have a shitty job and I live at home with my parents who suck and I show no sign of getting out of it. She is the one ray of sunshine on my shitty life and if that goes away I'll be alone in the dark, this time for good.

    Please help me, I don't know how but please... I can't go see a therapist because I have no money :(
  2. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    I can feel her slipping away, the feeling of rejection is there... I've sense it many times and I know it's coming soon... She's going to say we have to talk. If(it isn't even a question of if, it's more when) it happens I just don't know what I'll do...
  3. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  4. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    First of all -:hug:

    secondly-you're not alone! we're here for you!
    I for one, know how it feels like when someone is slipping away from you....when me and my bf broke up I was in the wost shape I've EVER been!...since then i'm feeling way better...we got together and broke up and got together and I WASNT feeling sooooo bad about breaking up with him the second time!..meaning-- even if you really feel SOOOO horrible - things like that just pass!
    I know you want to be with this girl - so I hope things will work out!! Im just saying even if they dont there are lots of other girls...and you CAN fall in love again!!

    I'm always here if you wanna talk- you can always send me a PM :)
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    welcome to SF glad your here as lots of supportive people here who truly care.
  6. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    You people really do seem to care :)

    That makes me feel better, most on the internet are heartless people who hide behind the annonymity of the computer so they think they can say whatever they want without consiquence.

    I know there are more "fish in the sea"...I've told myself that line too many times to count... I'm young, I'm not looking to get married or settle down or whatever... I just want a relationship that lasts longer than 2 months :( and I want to stop eating so much :(

    I felt good today, didn't have those thoughts at all today. That's good.
  7. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    I'm happy you had a good day! :)
    you should always have faith that you will find someone that's right for you.someone who feels the same as you about things....just like they tell us girls - "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your handsome prince." for you it'll be- your princess...but its still got the same meaning!...you will meet the right person! it might even happen today or tomorrow when you least expect it!
    and if you feel sad about it we're always here...i'm always here to talk about it!

    and yep!not all internet users are cold and mean! :p
  8. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    Thats it... I'm done... Women are the worst things ever. I cant take them anymore. Always with the head games and the cheating and lieing.

    Im done with everything. My crappy job, crappy life, crappy friends, everything. I just want to die peacefully.

    I dont care if there are "more fish in the sea" because they all probably suck just like every girl I've ever been with. All I wanted to do today was hang out. It's my one F'ING day off this week. I can't name all the crap she did rather than be with me. Then at 7 o clock I get a text and she says she'll be home soon and that I can come over, maybe sleep over... I get ready, go get a coffee, and wait... I f'ing wait untill 10 o'clock and then I get a text saying she JUST picked her friend up. I go ok and say "when you said soon I didn't think you meant 10 o'clock" and she replys with "what?" Then I go nevermind. Then a little later I send a text saying "you home yet?" and I get nothing...

    I just sick of this CRAP! She sees her friends 6 days out of the week and the one god damn day I wanna see her she f's me over. I just want to die. I just want to die... Not just over the girl but everything! Everything in my life BLOWS! I can't get out of it :'( All I do is work all day and I have no time to meet or hang out with anyone, meeting her was a miracle and now it just pushed me over the edge :(

    I can't even buy alchohol to numb the pain for at least a few hours because the f'ed up drinking age is ridiculous. I can buy a gun and die for my country but god forbid I have a beer! Now I'm hopped up on coffee and I can't stop thinking about it. I'll be up all night and I'm almost out of cigs and no money to buy more because money runs EVERYTHING!
  9. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    OMG I can't even vent on here! I can't even post a reply because it has to be approved :(

    Im so done :(
  10. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    I think I may do it today...
  11. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    Don't be so discouraged!
    About this girl,okay..maybe she's not the best...maybe a lot of girls arent...its the same with guys...you are different, right?..you dont like these games!...so if there are guys like that - there are girls like that too! ( me being one of them..for example..) not everyone likes games....it might take time to get to that person but it will happen! and it'll be worth it!!!

    ummm money and alcohol are not everything in life...i know we all want to be happy and have all we dream about..but we cant just have everything ..can we? if we did life would be perfect and boring...what would we have to hope for?( well alcohol isnt something to hope for ! haha..)when you dont have a certain thing you realllly want..you arent craving a certain something,and try to get it..when you have everything...it all becomes kinda meaningless...
    you're young you'll get things ..one by one...happiness little by little!...(i'm young too..so im not just saying it as a lecture..)

    i dont know if i succeeded in making you feel better i sure hope i did!...in my head things sounded better..couldnt write it correctly i guess.... just know i care! dont feel sad :hug:
  12. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    I told her how I felt yesterday in a cool manner. I mostly said I don't want this to be a waste of time, I really like and just wanted to see if yoiur on the same page. She said shew as but guess what?

    SHe hasn't called or texted me at all today... What a surprise! Another game. I'm done, my phone is being shut off and I'm done with everyone.
  13. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    its just one more girl! I know she meant something to you...but its one person...other people shouldnt suffer because of her behavior! you shouldn't suffer because of that!!
    you should just continue your search for better people..not just decide they dont exist! they do exist! they are looking for you too!
    i know it may not be easy but you should at least try!
    I'm rooting for you !! :cheer:! believe in yourself! :)
  14. Space Villain

    Space Villain Member

    It sounds like she's into you but she just hopes whatever you're feeling right now will pass and you'll be able to have a healthy relationship.

    We need people to be happy, but you shouldn't depend entirely on one person for your happiness. How do you think it would make her feel to know that you rely solely on her to make life worth living? That's a lot of pressure, isn't it? You should speak to a doctor or therapist about this so you can have healthy relationships with people and not put them in positions like this :). You'll get better! You're on here, so you obviously know you need help... you can get it, and you can reach the point where you won't feel like this anymore.
  15. Dharma4815162342

    Dharma4815162342 Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with space villian! You need to be happy because of you! People will come and go in your life. Girlfriends, friends, everyone. I'll be honest with you, yea there are other fish and yea you might catch one, but you also may not. I know that sounds mean but thats just a fact of life. And the most important thing you can learn is to be happy with or without that special someone in your life. I don't know how it is you can do it, but you need to do it! If you are happy with who you are other people will be too and when other people are happy with who you are they will want to be around you and it will make it easier for them to love you. Obviously (since there are so many of us on here responding to you) you don't have to love yourself in order for other people to love you. You will always be loved. But until you love yourself you won't be able to accept the love from other people.

    Please, for your own sanity, STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS GIRL!!!!!! I know you really care about her, but take a step back. You really think a girl who would treat you this way is the best person for you? Find out who it is you are and learn to love that person and then start worrying about us crazy girls.

    :Leiaha: <-----makes me smile-hope you are doing ok!
  16. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    I didn't tell her that she is the only reason why I live... I asked her if she was happy being my girlfriend and I was wondering if she was on the same page. She said yes.

    Yesterday I went over her house unnanounced and she started making out with me. These were the first "real" kisses we've have. tounge and all. Then she gets a message from a friend about hooking her up with someone and rather than say she has a boyfriend she asks what his name was. I got pissed and walked away and her friend came over and asked what was wrong. I told them both what was wrong and things seemed to cool down. We made out a little more.

    While making out she asked to hang out tuesday(my day off) and she asked what I wanted to do tuesday and I said I dunno. She asked again and I said she knows what I want to do. She says "what?" with a smile while kissing me. I say something in bed, she asks what bed. I say her bed and she's into it. We then go see new moon(wasn't that bad) and she had head on my should and her hands on mine the entire time. I love her. I love her more than anything. But today she didn't text me at all today :(

    I'm so sad...I don't know how I feel because I took some pills for anxiety, maybe more than I should have... I just want to take the whole bottle :( I texted her a little bit ago and I said I was going to bed and that I wish it was her bed. She said she wishes that too with a smile face. I don't get her but I love her and I know I shouldn't have that feeling. I havnt told her I love her. I just hope we have sex tomorrow and after that I will tell her I love her but if we don't have sex i'll take the whole bottle...
  17. Kris.T

    Kris.T Well-Known Member

    Don't take the whole bottle just because you don't have sex. There is so much more to relationships then sex, and that will happen when it happens, don't rush that part of it because it often can ruin relationships.
  18. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    I also think you dont have to rush into having sex...(even though i dont even know how long you two have been dating..)...I told my bf I love him before we had sex...so having sex isnt the only reason to tell someone you love them! ((he actually *texted* it first!! lol)
  19. Lawliet180

    Lawliet180 Member

    Yeah well...she canceled today. she cancled today. The next time we could possibly see each other is MAYBE next sunday. but even then she probably doesn't want to see me...

  20. I need help

    I need help Well-Known Member

    did she tell you why she was cancelling?
    the fact she cancelled today doesnt mean she'll do it next time!! you HAVE to be more confident of yourself!..when you get more confident you wouldnt feel this way( or maybe just feel it less..)..cause you'd know there are other girls...i mean of course you'd wanna be with that special someone..but things dont ALWAYS work out..not that im saying this is not gonna work out!...im just saying that in general!

    and as usual i feel like the things im saying sounded better in my head than when i actually wrote them down!sorry for that...
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