I never thought I'd come to this point. It started around 3 years ago. I hated the thought of drinking after growing up with an alcoholic father and a long list of alcoholic relatives. My mom always told me to be careful when you drink because you have alcohol in your blood. I went to my first party and experienced my first hangover when I was 18. For that year it was just a social thing, it helped me feel normal and able to talk to people. I was a funny drunk and enjoyed feeling wanted. I experienced a lot that summer which started my problem. I started drinking alone once and a while, drinking everynight. So obviously eventually my tolerance increased. I started to only hangout with people if we were going to be drinking. I started blacking out, having sex with random people, having unprotected sex. I drank and drove all the time. The last time I went out was in August. I had woken up in bed with a throbbing goosebumped head. A few days later I had bad headaches and realized I had suffered a concussion with no memory of what happened. So I stopped all together going out. I drank at home. I eventually attempted and was admitted to a psych where I detoxed. Clean for 3 weeks. I drank the minute I was released. My family started getting angrier and angrier at me. I started isolating myself in my room. Started developing a huge tolerance for my weight and height. At a certain time of the day my hands shake uncontrollably and I get anxious. I have to hold cups at that time of day with two hands. My mind is constantly focused on where or when I can have my next drink. It turned from always having a bottle to always having more than I may be able to drink. I sweat like crazy if I don't drink a certain amount before bed. I can truthfully say I blackout everynight. I've fractured my toe, broken bones just from going from the computer chair to my bed in the same room. I've been in the psych ward twice in 6 months and have been involved with police 3 times in 6 months. I want to stop but don't at the same time. I hate drinking. But I don't feel at my rock bottom because I love drinking. It's very exhausting. The hardest part is people telling me to just stop drinking, Its harder than you think and much more complicated.