Me I'm 17 and I feel like I'm an immature 20-something, not that I think 20-somethings are old I'm trying to say that I don't feel like a teenager and I don't think I ever had. I've been told that 'you're not a kid anymore' since I was like 7 so yeah. I just feel so bad when I watch light-hearted show with high school students and I see how they remind me about my classmates back then and how a wasted my childhood by trying to act adult. I'm also about to enter my third year in community college but I feel so unaccomplished. I'm taking nursing pre-requisite because my family and relatives are making me. I don't think I have any talent or skill so nursing it is for me. People think just because I'm Filipino I would take could care of their grandmother. In reality I would probably set grandma on fire when your not looking ( I like to tell this little joke to myself) I get bullied by people including my best friend. When I look in the mirror I wonder what's wrong with my face because I don't think I'm as hideous as people say but now I'm beginning to think that my mind is playing tricks on me, I see someone in the mirror someone who isn't that bad looking but what is real is that I am disgusting or something. I got molested by one of my mom's friends when I was little. Parents Things would be so much easier for my parents if I was dead. My dad is always reminding me that why haven't I graduated and finished school yet because he wants to retire already. He also makes me feel old. He thinks I graduated high school in the 90s, I graduated in 2006. He thinks I'm 20-something. 'I'm tired already. You should finish nursing now so that I can retire already' It also doesn't help much that he tells me he's dying. My dad greeted me an hour ago and when he to go to the bathroom or something cause I started crying. Just being around reminds me of how useless I am. When I couldn't apply to the nursing program because I had to translate my foreign transcripts or whatever my dad acted like it was the end of the world. He seem to think 'wow she might be in school longer than I thought...' If I was dead then my parents could rest and go back to the Philippines. I feel like such a burden. I don't even care what they do to my body so they don't have to worry on funeral expenses. Throw me in a river or something, why would I care I'd be dead already. My parents are really loving and aren't abusive but I know things will be easier for them if I'm gone. I could feel their energy and frustrations and I know it would be lifted when I'm not around. Best Friend She does not sympathize with me. She makes it sound like my feelings and problems are not a big deal but they are a big deal for me because they effect me so much emotionally that I want to kill myself. When I had a panic attack she immediately thought that it was because of something stupid and trivial like getting bad grades or something when it was obviously something much bigger. Then she said something like 'wow i didn't know you were that weak' (I hate that word-weak)when she didn't even know the reason behind the panic attack. It sucks when your best friend can't understand what your going through. I have fantasies where I kidnap her hold her hostage and torture her for weeks until she begs for death. She has problems too and I feel sorry for her but she's been treating me like shit since high school. She doesn't treat me like were equals, it's like she has a power problem or something. It's like when she became friends with me she's happy that she could throw her frustrations and make someone else feel worse than she does.