I'm A Burden

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scarymonsteridol, Aug 28, 2008.

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  1. Me
    I'm 17 and I feel like I'm an immature 20-something, not that I think 20-somethings are old I'm trying to say that I don't feel like a teenager and I don't think I ever had. I've been told that 'you're not a kid anymore' since I was like 7 so yeah. I just feel so bad when I watch light-hearted show with high school students and I see how they remind me about my classmates back then and how a wasted my childhood by trying to act adult. I'm also about to enter my third year in community college but I feel so unaccomplished. I'm taking nursing pre-requisite because my family and relatives are making me. I don't think I have any talent or skill so nursing it is for me.

    People think just because I'm Filipino I would take could care of their grandmother. In reality I would probably set grandma on fire when your not looking ( I like to tell this little joke to myself)

    I get bullied by people including my best friend. When I look in the mirror I wonder what's wrong with my face because I don't think I'm as hideous as people say but now I'm beginning to think that my mind is playing tricks on me, I see someone in the mirror someone who isn't that bad looking but what is real is that I am disgusting or something.

    I got molested by one of my mom's friends when I was little.

    Things would be so much easier for my parents if I was dead. My dad is always reminding me that why haven't I graduated and finished school yet because he wants to retire already. He also makes me feel old. He thinks I graduated high school in the 90s, I graduated in 2006. He thinks I'm 20-something.

    'I'm tired already. You should finish nursing now so that I can retire already'

    It also doesn't help much that he tells me he's dying. My dad greeted me an hour ago and when he to go to the bathroom or something cause I started crying. Just being around reminds me of how useless I am. When I couldn't apply to the nursing program because I had to translate my foreign transcripts or whatever my dad acted like it was the end of the world. He seem to think 'wow she might be in school longer than I thought...' If I was dead then my parents could rest and go back to the Philippines. I feel like such a burden. I don't even care what they do to my body so they don't have to worry on funeral expenses. Throw me in a river or something, why would I care I'd be dead already.

    My parents are really loving and aren't abusive but I know things will be easier for them if I'm gone. I could feel their energy and frustrations and I know it would be lifted when I'm not around.

    Best Friend
    She does not sympathize with me. She makes it sound like my feelings and problems are not a big deal but they are a big deal for me because they effect me so much emotionally that I want to kill myself. When I had a panic attack she immediately thought that it was because of something stupid and trivial like getting bad grades or something when it was obviously something much bigger. Then she said something like 'wow i didn't know you were that weak' (I hate that word-weak)when she didn't even know the reason behind the panic attack. It sucks when your best friend can't understand what your going through. I have fantasies where I kidnap her hold her hostage and torture her for weeks until she begs for death.

    She has problems too and I feel sorry for her but she's been treating me like shit since high school. She doesn't treat me like were equals, it's like she has a power problem or something. It's like when she became friends with me she's happy that she could throw her frustrations and make someone else feel worse than she does.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello scarey monster,
    Welcome to the forum!! It sounds like your parents are stuck in there own reality. It doesn't sound like they are very supportive of you. You are stronger than you think!!
    Maybe take them to your next doctor appt. and have your shrink talk to them about depression. Maybe that will give them a reality check. As far as your friend goes tell her if she can't think positive with you to take a walk!! when you get back in school you can make new friends.
    You should know that you will make friends here at the forum. We will back you up with advice and moral support. Most of us have had problems with friends. I have no friends outside of the forum!! That is by my own choice. I have been abused physcologicly and physically. I won't ever let anyone on the outside get in and screw me over again.
    As far as friends on the forum I am open to there advice and caring. I have made friends with a couple of people here. That and my puppy are all I need!! Take Care and Stay Safe!!!:chopper:!!!
  3. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    Last edited: Aug 28, 2008
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist? If not, please do for your own sake. Given your dysfunctional family, the childhood abuse, and your wish to die & kill someone you really need to have a professional to talk to. If you're in the US, go to the emergency room and tell them what's going on, and they should be able to steer you in the right direction. Or, you can go to the county department of mental health, and you WILL get help there.

    I agree with clam that you need to look around yourself and find new friends. The one you have is hurting you more than helping - obviously.

    I'm impressed that you're in the second year of community college at 17. Keep fighting for your life and sanity.

  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear things are bad for you. You can do much better then that so called best friend of yours. Ditch her, she isn't worth any energy of yours.

    As for your parents, isn't there anyone else in the family, like uncles, aunts, or cousins that would understand you.

    In reality your not a burden on anyone, your father makes you feel like you are but in the real world your not.
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