I'm a chicken

Hello forum,
I've literally been depressed and considering suicide for more than 10 years now. I hate my life and feel like a failure in so many different ways. The problem is whenever I get to feeling like I'm really going to do it, I chicken out. In part this is because I don't want to die violently or painfully, like under a bus or with a gunshot. I wish I had some good poison that would kill me peacefully while I slept. I don't want to live and I can't quite kill myself either... has anyone else ever suffered through this sort of limbo day after day?

 

Hell yeah - have you spoken to anyone about these feelings?

 

Yes, I have.....do. I find it helps not to look too far forward - just concentrate on getting through the current day. And remind myself I don't *know* tomorrow and the future will be bad...that it is *possible* they could be better. And I try to hold on to the small moments of joy - a funny show on tv (where for a few minutes I forget/block out my worries), when I brush my pets, etc. Are there some things that give you a moment or two of peace in the midst of the rest of your life? The first cup of coffee in the morning, a daily cartoon in the newspaper?

 

A lot of people suffering from suicidal feelings feel the same way. To use a famous quote, they want to die, but they don't want to kill themselves.

 

i don't think you are a chicken. i think you are very brave for having these terrifying, overwhelming sucidal thoughts and not acting on them. that takes a lot of courage. well done.

 

Yeah, I've been in therapy and on various psych meds for years. Nothing seems to help and I've pretty much stopped believing that anything ever will.

 

i think everyone feels this way. its a very sobering experience when you try.