I'm a complete worthless piece of sh*t

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blackbird33, Feb 9, 2012.

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  1. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Right now I'm slowly alienating myself from my family and the few friends I have. I've just come to the realization that I single-handlely destroyed whatever small chance I had to ever experience love. I'm just a complete f*ck-up and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't see any point of even living anymore and the reason I haven't killed myself because I'm such a f*cking coward who never follows through on anything.
     
  2. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Blackbird, you sound overwhelmed by feelings of self-blame.

    Please consider that in a relationship, both parties (and sometimes other people, too) share the responsibility for making or breaking the relationship. "Single-handedly destroyed" doesn't take into account how your ex treated you - and from your other posts, it seems she didn't do well by you. I don't believe you're a f*ck-up at all, much less a "complete f*uck-up." In all your threads/posts, you seem to me a very intelligent person. You care deeply about your mother (and that means you have empathy). Those are good things, and I'm sure there will be more as we get to know you.

    I think it's just going to take time to grieve and get through the feelings from this break up. She didn't deserve you, but that doesn't mean you'll stop caring about with a snap of the fingers. However, you don't have to blame yourself - not entirely...takes two to tango. In time though, I hope you come to realize that the break up has freed you to pursue relationships with people who truly value you. Please, don't let one relationship that didn't work out stop you from being all you are meant to be and from seeking all you can find in other relationships.

    Take care. :hug:
     
  4. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Acy,

    I appreciate your kind words and as much as I would like to blame her for everything I can't. Because she isn't the first to reject me and most of the time Im rejected before they even have a chance to cheat on me. I'm just one of those people who'll never experience a loving relationship. Foolishly I use to hope that one day I would settle down and have a family of my own but that'll never happen for me. I've had nothing but dysfunctional relationships and rejection my whole life. So when you're looking at your future and all you see is yourself as a person who dies and no one even notices because they have no family left, no friends, and never married that's my future.

    What's my contribution to this world just punching a clock at my job that's all I have.
     
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: I'm sorry you're so low. The depression really seems to be coloring how you think the future will be. We really can't "predict" it. There's a chance for good and bad. What we can do in the present is enjoy what we have now (even if it's not the end goal of our dreams), and then hope and plan to make the future as good as possible. Try to keep in mind that most people go through several rejections before they find someone to be with. Relationships really are trial and error, hun. You're young. I've noticed that lots of people don't settle down until they're in their 30s these days.

    Maybe until you feel a little less raw from this break up, just get involved in activities just because YOU like doing them...Not a search for love right away...When the dust has settled from the current situation, you will feel more like looking for romance again. Perhaps the universe made this relationship go wrong so you're free to meet someone else who is much better for you and you for her. Again, most people have a series of rejections before they find long-term partnership. Explore the world of people out there - with billions of people on the planet, I'm sure there are several good matches for you amongst them. :)
     
  6. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    "The idea of unworthiness torture millions of human beings.
    It is the people around you who make you feel unworthy,
    undeserving, useless, good-for-nothing;
    this is a secret conspiracy
    against the individual by the crowd.

    Perhaps you are not aware that
    the crowd is the enemy of the individual.
    The crowd does not like individuals;
    it likes only phony people imitating each other.
    Anybody who stands alone, in his own right,
    declaring his own freedom,
    doing his own thing without any fear of consequences,
    will be condemned by the crowd.

    The masses are easy to control;
    those people who are in power hate individuals.
    And this has been the story throughout human history.
    From the very childhood, the society in different ways –
    the parents, the teachers, the priests, the neighbors –
    from all directions the society starts
    encroaching upon the freedom of the individual.
    All their effort is to distract you from your own being;
    they want you to be somebody else,
    they don’t want you to be yourself.
    That is the cause of your feeling of being unworthy.

    The crowd cannot afford such rebels,
    because their very presence is dangerous –
    it may become a wildfire.
    Many others who are suffering in slavery
    may start revolting, seeing that it is possible
    to live your life , according to your own light,
    that it is possible to have your own style,
    your own religiousness, your own morality –
    you don’t have to belong to any crowd.
    you don’t have to become a spiritual slave.
    If this idea spreads, there will be millions of people
    who have not died completely –
    in whose beings there is still a spark of life –
    who may explode into rebellion against the masses.

    It is natural – you can never be somebody else;
    however perfect your pretension and your hypocrisy is,
    deep down you will feel you have betrayed yourself.
    Deep down you can never feel contentment, self-respect,
    a pride which is natural to every being,
    a dignity which existence showers
    upon you just by giving you life.
    If you are allowed to be yourself,
    you will never feel unworthy,
    because that will be your natural growth.

    If you are a rosebush, roses will blossom in you,
    If you are a marigold flower,
    then marigold flowers will come.
    Neither the marigold flower feels it is unworthy
    nor the roses feel that they are special, higher, or holier.
    Even the smallest grass blade feels
    as dignified as the biggest star in the universe.

    In existence, there is no inferiority complex anywhere,
    and as a corollary there is no superiority complex either.
    The marigold is happy being a marigold;
    even the idea is stupid: ”Why am I not a rose?”
    It will be a very poor existence where
    there are only roses and roses and roses,
    and no other flowers.
    Roses will lose all their beauty.

    The variety of millions of flowers
    makes existence rich beyond all our dreams.
    But the society wants you to be just a sheep.
    You may have the qualities of being a deer,
    or being a tiger, or being a lion, or being an eagle –
    all the varieties are possible in different individuals –
    but the society likes only one brand:
    everybody has to be a sheep.
    Now, if you force a lion to be a sheep,
    he is going to feel unworthy.
    You are imposing something upon him which is not natural.

    This feeling of unworthiness is because of
    an imposition of unnatural demands upon you,
    made by everybody around you.
    Nobody likes you as you are;
    everybody wants you to be this, to be that.

    Of course if you fulfill their demands
    you will be loved, respected, honored,
    but it is very dangerous and very costly;
    you will have to lose yourself.
    You will become just a hypocrite,
    and what will be the gain-
    their respect, their honor, or their rewards?
    They cannot balance the loss – you have lost your soul.
    They can give you Nobel Prizes,
    but even a thousand Nobel Prizes cannot make up for
    the loss that you have suffered in the transaction.
    You have lost your very space in existence,
    your very territory,
    your most significant essential being
    and consciousness."

    ~~Osho ♥
     
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