Ive come to realize that nothing in this life will ever change. Anxiety and depression is a immovable force in my life. Im severely ill. Suffering every single second. Im so tired. Worn down and stripped of everything. Life has beaten me into the dirt. Im not good at being a human being. Im just not cut out for it. Im the guy that wakes up asking myself why did I have to be me. Everything about me I hate. I cant escape this web of misery. Saturated with abuse and failure. A ugly life. A worthless existence. You know the most troubling things I feel right now is not that I want to die, but that im too much of a coward to do it. I want nothing more than to put a gun to my head and be a split second away from freedom. And to save myself from persecution. I dont think there is a person in this world that thinks about death and want to die as much as me. But im a coward. Its funny that I have an anxiety condition as well as depression. Anxiety is just pure fear straight from hell. I just fear so much about killing myself. I dont know if I can even at my worse and most darkest moments. I just dont know what to believe or think. What happens that moment the heart stops. Will I sleep forever. Will I end up somewhere worse. I dont know. Of course I think about my family. And I love them. But they have no idea. Suffering is not living. In so many ways me and people like me are already dead. Dead but breathing. Life is such a cruel joke. In so many different ways I feel attacked. Physically and emotionally. Being hurt and having nearly everything in your life go wrong as if there was a black cloud hovering over you constantly. How can so many things consistently go wrong in my life? Trauma after trauma. is it bad luck or just fate? I dont know any of you. I dont know how legitmate some of you are or your claims or your suffering. I tend not to judge but I read so many posts and sometimes I think the seriousness of this matter is in question. I dont know if people here really want to die or end their life or whether they are just reacting from something bad happening in their life. I dont understand why anyone would go online and post they are going to kill themselves in 10 minutes. I wouldnt do that whether I was serious or not because I dont want to affect people on this board or be leading. Its a serious matter. People should come here for support and to share their experiences and pain. And if they are genuinely suicidal, come here with a open mind and with hope and for people to help you, not holding the blades to your wrist and having people to tell you why you should live. This may seem self centered but I dont think anyone goes through the same things I go through. i cant imagine another person out there going through the same things I am. I feel like im trapped in a perfect storm of mental illnesses. I dont even have control of my thoughts or emotions so I really have no control over my life. If I cant have control then this life doesnt really belong to me. I dont want to kill myself, only whatever is inside me that has destroyed my life. I feel like I have no choice or free will. Just a couple of options. Suffer til you die a horrible death, or committ suicide. Whether I die now or later doesnt matter. It shouldnt. You know people say its selfish. That its the easy way out. I cant think of a more difficult personal decision anyone can ever make. Is it selfish to want to save yourself from illness and misery. What is selfish about deciding not to live that way, especially when its your life and your the one that has to live it, not anyone else. And there is nothing easy about suicide. I think it takes courage. A certain amount of courage to be able to make the most profound and permenant decision, to end ones life. Courage I dont know I have. Im trapped. Between a rock and a very hard place. The walls are closing in tight and everything has become dark in my life. Something has to give and soon. Ill probably lose my sanity or have a massive heart attack or stroke. I dont know. I feel like im in a sick mans torture room. Ive been trapped here for years. At some point you just want him to finish you. Thats how I feel about life. I just want it to be over. Im tired of everything haunting me. Im tired of the anxiety and the depression and physical pains. The dissapointments, failures, and constantly being hurt. I wish I didnt care. I wish I didnt have to wake up. Life is the real nightmare. Dying will be the greatest acheivement of my life. And the greastest moment.